


You're Stuck With Me -Just Accept It

by Vanadis (VanadisV)



Series: Forty Eight Thousand Years [8]
Category: Stargate - All Media Types, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Backstory, Best Friends, Bonding, Competition, Confessions, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Long, Love Triangles, M/M, Male Slash, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Rodney, Pining, Pining John Sheppard, Requited Unrequited Love, Romance, Romantic Angst, Romantic Soulmates, Second Chances, Secrets, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Romance, Soulmates, Stargate, Tragic Romance, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-19 07:18:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 75,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11892753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanadisV/pseuds/Vanadis
Summary: .Tragically kept apart after years of unrequited love, John and Rodney are pushed to the brink as the fates of both galaxies hang in the balance. But even as the ends unravel, they find a new beginning.One that brings them back together at last, as they were always meant to be..





	1. 48,000 years

**Author's Note:**

> .  
>  _No Canon required_ :This series was written to be accessible to those unfamiliar with this fandom.  
>  _Conforming with existing Canon_ : Backstories fit perfectly into the plot lines & memorable dialogue in this re-envisioned story of the first 5 seasons. The second half of this series of stories takes place post-canon (after the end of the show).  
> .  
> .  
> Useful facts for those unfamiliar with this fandom:  
> John Sheppard and Rodney McKay are members of a team fighting the alien threats of the Wraith in the Pegasus galaxy. The other 2 members of their team, Ronon and Teyla, are not from Earth.  
> Dr. Jennifer Keller is head of medical, having recently replaced Dr. Carson Beckett.  
> Because the U.S. military is coordinating this large international expedition, those from Earth can often be referred to by either their first or last names.  
> Dr. Rodney McKay, the genius astrophysicist, can be referred to as either 'McKay' or 'Rodney'; likewise Colonel John Sheppard, the team leader, may be referred to as 'John' or 'Sheppard'.  
> John Sheppard is also second in command of their base of operations on the alien city-ship known as 'Atlantis'; he reports directly to the expedition leader, who at the beginning of the story, is Colonel Samantha 'Sam' Carter.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Even through 48,000 years, Rodney's followed John through time and never left him to face the future alone._  
> .

.  
.

 

It's been almost two hours since his lips were brushing against Rodney's in that alcove. Even if it was only for a moment, they'd been so close too... God. John can't wait any longer, he's got to get back now and make the rest of that kiss happen. Make everything between them happen.

 

Tired of waiting for the Genii contact that never bothered to show, John tells Lorne and the others to stay behind, just on the slight chance someone might still arrive. If there is any clue to be delivered about Teyla's whereabouts, they can handle it from here. He has to get back.  

 

As John steps through the gate, his heart surges with emotion. His heart that belongs to Rodney. He's got to tell him how much... how long he's loved him... And maybe one day, when he's earned it, Rodney will love him back.

 

Atlantis is strangely warm when he steps through to the other side. The quality of light has changed, as if there is a red cast to everything. The gate room is empty so John calls over the coms, but no one replies. Reaching to one of the closed door panels, he finds it unresponsive and has to heft his weight before the metal creaks and finally gives way to the view outside.

 

The ocean is gone.

 

No. How can the ocean be gone?

 

John blinks. The ocean is gone and instead Atlantis is resting on a desert plain with nothing but a barren wasteland of sand in every direction.

 

Looking back to the control panels, John hopes to God this is some kind of practical joke. Otherwise... otherwise he's in serious trouble.

 

Finally Rodney's voice answers his call over the com, "Sheppard is that you?"

 

"McKay." John sighs with relief; Rodney will probably already have a solution for whatever kind of disaster happened in the short time he was gone.

 

"I can't believe it worked!" Rodney's voice bubbles in his earpiece, "It actually worked!"

 

Dazed, John asks what the hell is going on. _'And for that matter where the hell did everybody go'_

 

"I imagine you're a little confused right now." Rodney admits before gushing again, "God, for you, like, what, five minutes has passed?"

 

"Rodney!" John uses his inflection to denote his impatience at being kept in the dark.

 

But Rodney still doesn't explain, instead he asks John where he is and what he's seeing right now. So John describes the empty control room, explaining the power's gone out and for some unknown reason the ocean is gone.

 

"Sorry, what?" Rodney sounds shocked.

 

"The big blue thing out the window! It's gone. It's a desert. And it's about 120 degrees in here."

 

As Rodney speculates about how the planet must have undergone some climate changes, John demands his answers.

 

"Okay, look," Rodney sounds sympathetic, "I understand this is hard for you. Just do me a favor and go to the Hologram Room."

 

John runs down the corridors until he reaches the place. Rodney says the room is connected to an independent power source. Upon reaching his destination, John immediately activates the console. Finally some lights come on.

 

"Hey there." John hears Rodney's voice in the room with him and spins around.

 

_"Rodney?"_ John gasps.

 

He looks like he's aged a couple decades. The face is familiar, but it's not _his_ Rodney. Not the face he almost kissed earlier today, but a shadowy ghost of some distant future McKay. _'What is this?'_

 

"God, it's good to see you again." McKay's wrinkled face smiles back at him.

 

"You're a hologram." John backs away from the unfamiliar form.

 

"No." McKay jokes in mock surprise, lifting his hands out of the simulated cardigan pockets to look at them, "Of course!"

 

Too stunned to speak, John lets McKay fill the silence with his chatter, "I'm tapped into the city's internal sensors, so I've got eyes and ears, so to speak. You look good."

 

"You look… different." As John moves his hand out to touch the image of this older McKay, it ripples to his touch.

 

"That's because you remember me the way I was." 

 

"What, you mean earlier today?" John can still feel Rodney's face leaning against his, the electric sensation of his breath against John's skin. He needs to find Rodney. Right now.

 

"It's funny, you know?" The hologram looks wistful, "I spent the last 25 years of my life trying to figure out how to make this work, and I never once thought what I was going to say to you when you got here."

 

"Start by telling me what the hell's going on here." John raises his voice in growing alarm.

 

"Right, right," McKay putters and goes on to explain that the disturbance of a solar flare through the wormhole caused John to travel forward in time.

 

About 48,000 years forward in time.

 

_'Well there is no way this is real'_  John's heart races, "This is a practical joke."

 

"I'm afraid not." McKay looks repentant, "Freak accident. Sorry."

 

John loses it completely. Any last bit of control he was holding onto. Furious that this could have happened, he yells at the hologram.

 

The projection pleads with him to calm down and suddenly John finds himself contemplating something even more horrible.

 

His mouth falls, "If I'm in the future... " He licks his lips nervously at the growing dread in the pit of his stomach, "that means you're…"

 

"Dead." McKay finishes the sentence pragmatically.

 

John's eyes cloud in grief. No. No, this isn't real. _'Rodney.'_

 

"Dead and buried and turned to dust a long, long time ago. Along with everyone you ever knew."

 

No, Rodney was right there next to him, just hours ago. John can't process this; he refuses to accept that Rodney could be gone, ripped away from him before he ever got the chance to... God. _'Rodney.'_

 

"There's no way of knowing what the state of human civilization is, whether it even still exists." The hologram continues, "I mean, we've obviously abandoned the city."

 

"Yeah, obviously." He's alone in this place; this is real, he's completely alone. _'Rodney'_

 

There isn't even enough power to gate back to Earth, and God knows what he'd find trying to gate somewhere nearby in Pegasus. But none of this is as terrifying as the thought that Rodney is actually... gone.

 

"It is entirely possible that you are the last human being alive." The hologram proposes.

 

"You're not doing a very good job of cheering me up here." John's eyes go wide in distress. _'Rodney where are you? Come back to me.'_

 

The hologram begins reassuring him that he has a plan.

 

Of course Rodney would have a plan. He always has a plan. In a small way John starts to feel like he has him back, like the real Rodney is answering him through this hologram as it explains in the same long-winded way he always does.

 

McKay says he created this advanced hologram technology along with a time capsule of supplies buried in the foundation of the city. The plan is to send John back in time, but in order to do so, they have to wait for the next solar flare.

 

The hologram has predicted when the next one will occur. About 700-1,000 years, so John will go into a stasis chamber in the meantime until they can-

 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." John interrupts as he and McKay walk through the halls, "That's your plan? I'm 48,000 years into the future, and you want to put me on ice for another thousand?"

 

"Tops. Well, we need to be precise. If I don't get you back within 2 months of the moment you left, then it'll be too late."

 

"Too late?" John is confused, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

 

"Things didn't exactly go well for us after your disappearance." McKay looks pained, "Once I figured out what happened to you, I realized there was nothing we could do." the holographic voice actually sounds shaky and emotional, "The Air Force pronounced you KIA, gave you, a very nice military funeral back on Earth. Obviously, the casket was empty, but you know, it's the thought that counts. From there… 

 

Well, from there, things went from bad to worse." McKay sighs.

 

He goes on to tell John about how they failed in their search for Teyla, finding her dead after she had given birth.

 

Blaming himself, John becomes distraught.

 

"It's not your fault!" McKay tries to calm him.

 

_'But it is his fault, he let Teyla down, lost Rodney...'_ "I should have been there."

 

"And you will be." McKay promises, "And knowing the address where we eventually found Teyla, you will be able to get there much quicker. You'll save Teyla, save the baby, change the fate of the galaxy".

 

"What do you mean?" _'Change the fate of the galaxy?'_

 

McKay elaborates, that was the turning point to everything. Once Michael had access to the unique genetics of Teyla's child, he was able to perfect his hybrid army and overrun the galaxy.

 

At first Atlantis was focused on trying to stop Michael from exposing more humans to the modified Hoffan virus. But by poisoning the Wraith's food supply, he decimated the Wraith and human populations alike. Most of the surviving humans were converted to join Michael's army of hybrids. And by then it was too late.

 

They stop walking suddenly. The hallway ahead is filled with overflowing sand, the way through completely blocked. When John asks what they should do, the hologram seems at a loss.

 

"I don't know." it answers in dismay.

 

"What do you mean you don't know?" John asks in annoyance. Rodney would know; Rodney always comes up with a plan.

 

"Well," McKay sounds defensive, "I wasn't programmed for this variable."

 

"You said you had 25 years to work on this plan!" _'Rodney please come back to me'_

 

"Well, McKay did, and he brilliantly anticipated a lot of potential problems." The hologram defends his creator, "It's just that… Well, this wasn't one of them."

 

Nothing is going to stop John from getting back to Rodney, he'll find his own damn way back, "All right." John sighs, thinking as he walks, "Go up 2 levels, turn right, there's an outer door. It's only a quarter of a mile across the plaza."

 

"You can't do that."

 

"Why not?" John turns and looks back.

 

"Not only is it extremely hot out there, but for the last half an hour, the barometric pressure has been dropping and the wind speeds have increased significantly."

 

"Storm's coming." John understands but he isn't going to let that stop him from getting home to Rodney.

 

"A sandstorm. You ever been in one of those?" The hologram challenges.

 

"As a matter of fact, I have." Obviously Rodney didn't program this hologram with the memories John shared with him about Afghanistan.

 

"Oh." The hologram sounds a bit humbled, "Oh, then you know what that means."

 

"It's not like we have a lot of options here." John turns to go, heading in the direction that will take him back home.

 

But as the two of them approach the section near the exterior where John plans to cross, the shrill gale of the howling wind gives him pause, "Sounds pretty nasty out there." he admits.

 

"The winds are gusting over 50 miles an hour and increasing. The visibility's basically zero. You can't go out there. We're just going to have to wait it out."

 

"For how long?" John is hesitant to wait any longer; it's already been 48,000 fucking years.

 

"Well I don't know. Maybe a couple of hours?" McKay offers.

 

"Are you hungry?" the hologram leans over John's sitting form in a protective manner, "Do you have any food?"

 

"No." he'd have made sure to bring a Powerbar if Rodney had been coming with him; even on a short mission, John always plans ahead for Rodney's dietary needs.

 

"Oh." McKay thinks, "Well, I suppose it doesn't really matter anyways. We'll just wait for the storm to blow over and have you out of here in no time at all… Well, you'll actually be here for 700 years, but you know what I mean."

 

John comforts himself with the knowledge that Rodney's put so much planning into finding a way to bring him back. Even when he'd been lost in time, Rodney spent his life working on a way to bring him home. He once promised Rodney he'd never leave him, he supposes this counts as a massive failure. But Rodney never gave up on him.

 

He'll make it all up when he gets back and keep that promise, he has to make it back. Rodney's absence is an ache of unbearable emptiness, a physical pain gnawing at his insides. He needs to be holding him now, taking that kiss he's been waiting so long for. This nightmare will end soon, like it never happened; he'll walk through that gate and no one will ever believe the story.

 

"What about everyone else?" John asks, "I mean, you told me about Teyla, but what about the rest of them? There's no way we would have rolled over and let Michael take over the whole galaxy."

 

"No." McKay gives John a sad smile.

 

"Well, what happened?" John looks up to the hologram wondering what else went wrong.

 

The hologram explains that the IOA and military weren't interested in committing the resources necessary to protect another galaxy. Sam fought on bravely as best she could but died heroically taking out three of Michael's Hive ships. Recounting the past seems to make the hologram sad, if a hologram can be sad. After that it disappears for a time to take sensor readings and analyze data for the solar flare.

 

.  
.

 

Determined not to wait any longer, John grabs his handkerchief and ties it around his face, "It's going to have to do for now. Open up the door."

 

"What about the storm?" McKay balks.

 

"It's been going on for seven hours. For all we know, it could go on for days." _His_ Rodney would understand. His Rodney is back in his quarters right now, waiting for John to finish what they started.

 

"It'll be dark soon," McKay complains.

 

"All the more reason to get going. All I got to do is walk in a straight line."

 

"That may not be as easy as you think!"

 

"I never said I thought it would be easy." John refuses to give up, "Look, I haven't eaten. I was hungry on my way to Atlantis. The longer we wait, the weaker I get."

 

"All right." McKay gives in, "Look, I can't go outside but I can stay in contact with you over the radio."

 

Placing his sunglasses on his face, John hopes between them and the handkerchief, they'll  provide some protection from the storm. A wall of suffocating heat hits him as he opens the door. To protect himself from the blinding effect of the sand, he puts his arms up and heads out into the gale.

 

Behind him, McKay shouts some words of encouragement, "Like you said! Keep walking in a straight line! You'll hit the building on the other side! Then feel your way to the door! I'll be waiting for you there!"

 

As he walks in halting steps against the wind, McKay's words hang in John's mind. _'The other side',_ that was the phrase Ronon once used to describe what it would be like for John to make his way past his fear, to let go and let himself be with Rodney.

 

_'I'll make it to the other side. I'm already there Rodney, I'm already there with you.'_  And John reassures himself that Rodney will be there too, waiting for him on 'the other side'. Even through 48,000 years.

 

"Sheppard. Sheppard can you hear me?"

 

"Yeah, I hear you!" John shouts into the wind to make his voice loud enough to be heard over the com.

 

"How you doing?" McKay's voice sounds worried.

 

_'Fucking great, it only feels like he's inside the sun.'_ John stumbles to the ground but pulls himself back up and manages to find enough air to answer, "Never better!"

 

Just a straight line. One very long, scorching straight line. John continues on his journey to 'the other side' but he can barely breathe now.

 

_'Just a little further, I'll find my way back to you Rodney.'_ His concentration is slipping andJohn can feel his strength failing.

 

"Rodney!" John needs to focus on something to keep himself from losing consciousness; if he doesn't keep going he'll die out here, sinking under the sand.  

 

"Yeah, I'm still here." the answer comes over the com.

 

Okay. Okay, good. Something to keep his mind from fading, "Tell me about Ronon", John squeezes the words through his choked airway.

 

"What, now?" McKay asks.

 

"Yes, now." John yells to be heard against the howl, "Talk to me, Rodney!"

 

Hearing how his friend meets his end wasn't what John was hoping for. It's unfair that Ronon himself didn't end up making it to 'the other side'.

 

But it'll be different once he gets back. Like Rodney, Ronon is still there expecting John to step through the gate. He'll return to them and change everything. What did the hologram say? _'The fate of the galaxy'_ That too.

  

Even though it isn't _his_ Ronon, John's proud that he fought on after leaving Atlantis. There wasn't much reason for him to stay after John and Teyla, his closest friends, died. But he didn't let the IOA stop him from taking the fight to Michael and the hybrid-wraith army, training a small army of warriors that managed to make a difference.

 

Ronon died in an explosion that took out one of Michael's key labs; sacrificing himself for the cause so his men could make it back with the key intel they went in for... Well, that's what _his_ Ronon would have done too. 

 

"I'm sorry," McKay sounds disheartened by the end of the tale, "I… I wish some of these stories had happier endings... Sheppard?"

 

"Sheppard! Are you still with me?... Sheppard!"

 

Beaten down into the fury and fire of sand around him, John collapses. He can't breathe anymore; all his strength is gone now.

 

As he fades away, the mournful thought that he's failed Rodney is the last thread of awareness that John's mind clings to... it lingers, like a wisp in the storm, before he is gone and disappears completely into oblivion.

 

Something kicks air back into his lungs.

 

Coughing out sand, John wonders how he is alive. 

 

Is he being lifted? He feels his body pulling up, away from the sand that has drifted over his half buried body.

 

Barely aware of his surroundings, John only feels protected and cool, he can breathe again. Blinking through the haze, he sees something... a glowing light.

 

"Not that much further now." McKay's voice urges him.

 

But the voice isn't coming from the com. It isn't the hologram, is it? It sounds like Rodney is here, outside with him.

 

"Where?..." John is on his feet moving forward with a strength that is not his own.

 

Is he hallucinating? He feels himself about to fall and again the cool light lifts him, propelling him forward.

 

"Don't give up. You're going to make it to the other side." This time the voice sounds like his own. He's definitely hearing things that aren't there.

 

Somehow John glides forward easily the next few yards. In the distance, he finally makes out the shape of a door. As he gets within reach, the vision of light around him begins to dim.

   

Just short of his destination, John's sinks to his knees. 

 

He's too tired, but he's almost there. If he can lift himself up one more time, just make it a little longer...

 

The door opens and John stumbles in. Battered and sandblasted, he falls forward to the ground.

 

"Your biosignature's barely registering! Sheppard! Oh, God!", John can barely hear McKay's panicked voice. 

 

He tries to hold on to the distant sound, to stay lucid, but everything slips away... 

 

Maybe he's still out there under the sand... John wonders if this is what it feels like to die.

 

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 4, episode 20 "The Last Man"  
> .


	2. I lost you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Thrown 48,000 years forward in time, John glimpses a future that changes everything._  
> .

.  
.

 

Slowly, John feels himself waking and tries to move. God. His whole body is sore... but he's not outside anymore, not buried under the sand at least... there's a floor... a very hard floor underneath him. Stirring as much as he dares, he labors with pained noises.

 

"There you go. You can do it." he hears McKay's voice there with him, encouraging him.

 

John twists himself and rolls over onto his back to see McKay hovering next to him.

 

Pulling the dusty handkerchief from his face he gasps weakly, "Rodney?"

 

"I'm still here." McKay bubbles nervously, "Look, I'd help you up, but I'm...I'm, uh…" he gestures his hands in futility to demonstrate the fact that he's only a hologram.

 

"How long was I out?" John groans and pushes himself against the wall, using it to gain enough leverage to sit.

 

"All night." McKay sounds relieved and worried at the same time, "Look, you don't look so good. Maybe we should get you to the stasis chamber as soon as possible."

 

"Agreed." John answers hoarsely with a dry and scorched throat.

 

When he's finally able to stand, the two of them make their way to the stasis chambers and McKay shows him a data crystal loaded with intel on _this_ future's dealings with Michael. It's everything they'll need to defeat him, save Teyla, change the fate of the galaxy, and all that. He smiles thinking of how excited Rodney will be to get his hands on this.

 

First he just needs to escape from this nightmare world... the one where Rodney is dead and gone. He needs to touch him, feel him close, real, alive.

 

Probably Rodney will scoff at the idea that he'd ever spend 25 years working on a way to bring John back. But somehow he'll find a way to convince him he was worth it.

 

And probably Rodney will interrogate him endlessly about his future self, wanting technical specifications on how he created an interactive hologram, as much as the trivial details. John realizes he doesn't actually know much about Rodney in this alternate future.

 

"You know, you never told me what happened to you. "John furrows his brows at how convoluted it is to accept how much time has gone by, "I mean, in the past."

 

"Oh, you don't want to hear about that." McKay is dismissive.

 

"Well, why not?" John is curious and Rodney will want to know everything; since he avoided a tragic death, his future couldn't have been too bad, "Obviously, you survived." he prompts.

 

"Only because I quit." McKay answers bitterly.

 

"Quit what?" John doesn't quite understand.

 

"Atlantis, Stargate Command, the whole thing."

 

"Well, that doesn't sound like you." John is genuinely surprised, Rodney's job is everything to him.

 

"Yeah. Well, we were under new management." McKay sounds resigned.

 

He tells John that after Sam died, that Mr. Woolsey from the IOA became the new commander of Atlantis. Woolsey was less than compassionate about dedicating resources to help with the new strain of Hoffan virus Michael engineered.

 

He scaled back Jennifer's medical department and turned Atlantis into nothing more that an observation outpost to collect Ancient artifacts. Only interested in defending Atlantis itself, Woolsey let Michael inflict terror on Pegasus unchallenged.

 

To justify his policy, Woolsey recited the list of the dead: Colonel Sheppard, Colonel Carter, Ronon, Teyla…

 

"I tried to tell him that technically you weren't dead, but… You know. He was right, everyone was gone and there was no reason to stay and watch the galaxy come apart. Jennifer was really torn up about not being allowed to continue working on a cure to the Hoffan virus. When she resigned, I realized that I felt the same way she did. Just standing by and letting others suffer was… unbearable, really.

 

We had three weeks on the Daedalus with nothing else to think about but everything that had happened. We went over it a thousand times, trying to imagine what we might have done differently. It was awful…

 

"Well," The hologram appears sentimental, "at least we had each other. By the time we got back to Earth, well, we weren't just colleagues anymore."

 

"Wait a minute." John's stomach flip flops; when Rodney had been speculating that Jennifer was flirting with him, he hadn't taken it seriously. "You and Keller?"

 

' _Shit. So this is who Rodney ends up with, he gets his white picket fence happy ending after all?'_

 

"Why do you find that so surprising?" McKay looks offended.

 

"I'm just saying... " John ventures uncertainly, "If you start monkeying around with this timeline here, there's no guarantee it's going to turn out the same for you two."

 

"That's what I'm counting on." McKay's expression is grim.

 

"Why is that?" John whispers sadly, "You survived, you got the girl. Doesn't sound so bad."

 

"No. No, at first, it was great." a bright smile flashes across McKay's face, "I got a high-paying job with an aerospace engineering firm, Jennifer started her own practice… Things were just starting to come together.

 

We should have known we wouldn't get off so easy." recounting his memories, the hologram seems to be feeling genuine pain, "Of course, no regular doctor could diagnose what was wrong with her. We wound up back at Stargate Command, less than a year after we'd left. Complications due to repeated exposure to the Hoffan drug. No cure. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I didn't know what to do.

 

After everything we'd been through, to have this happen? It was too much.

 

And that's when I had my idea. I told Jennifer that I had come up with a solution to change the timeline, to fix everything so that she wouldn't get sick. She tried to tell me that, what's done is done, that I couldn't change the past. But she didn't understand that I could, that I would, even if it took the rest of my life.

 

She was brave, telling me that she'd had a full life and didn't have any regrets. I looked at her beautiful face and told her that I did. I had a whole boatful of regrets that I wanted to do something about.

 

She made me promise not to spend the rest of my life chasing after something that was already gone. She wasn't gone yet… but I knew she didn't have long." The hologram's eyes flash with pain as if it only happened yesterday; as if all the sadness his creator felt has lost none of it's acuity from that day Jennifer died 48,000 years ago.

 

 _''This changes everything' ._ Somehow that phrase from the past echoes through John's mind. Back then it meant something else entirely, but now the ache in his chest has become a different kind of hurt. No longer just a temporary separation from the man he loves, but a chasm of permanent loss. His insides are caving in and he's falling; buried under the ruins of his own castle, crushed under those stone walls Rodney once said John kept fortified around his heart. 

 

Maybe this is how Rodney felt when he lost his future with Jennifer? To have spent 25 years working on a way to bring her back from the dead... He can't compete with what Rodney feels for her. Or _will_ feel for her. This timeline or his, he can't deny that they're drawn to each other, destined for each other. 

 

McKay looks to John with a pleading expression "I tried to tell myself that I would honor her wishes, but I couldn't let it go… She died three days later.

 

I quit the research firm, took a job teaching physics at a local community college. Not much money, but it gave me the free time I needed. I'll admit it wasn't much of a life.

 

Jeanie came by every once and a while to check up on me. When she realized she wasn't going to be able to convince me to stop, she decided to pitch in with the calculations. But eventually even she got fed up.

 

I never wavered.

 

Years went by. 25 years to be exact."

 

John lowers his head in grief, suffocating under his crumbling walls, too heavy with the burden, knowing Rodney doesn't... and won't ever love him. Bare and empty agony twists through his heart. How did he let himself think Rodney would go this far for him?

 

_'God. It was all to save Jennifer. She was... SHE is the love of Rodney's life, it was never him.'_

 

"And suddenly I had it." Rodney's expression brightens again, "There was only one problem. I needed to get back to Atlantis. I didn't have a lot of friends at Stargate Command. But I only needed one... General Lorne."

 

To keep the moisture in his eyes from spilling over, John quickly looks up.

 

It's like his Johnny Cash song. All he has to offer Rodney, it's as empty as a paper ring, a poor substitute for what he really wants and deserves... the marriage, the kids, the, the, all the other ways Jennifer can make him happy that John can't.

 

He'd just imagined that, no... deluded himself into seeing things as he wanted them to be, willfully ignoring the obvious clues _. 'God-_ _Angrily telling Rodney that Jennifer wasn't flirting with him.'_ He's been so selfish. He's still being selfish. He can't think of himself now. This is about everyone else and the fate of Pegasus galaxy.

 

"Maybe he felt sorry for me," McKay continues as if he still doesn't quite believe it himself, "maybe he figured it wasn't going to work anyway, but he let me through...The rest you know."

 

John's head hangs again for a moment, pushing past the selfishness of his own pain, "Well," his voice muted in sorrow, "I guess I've had a tough day, but you've had a tough 25 years."

 

He has to honor Rodney's dedication to Jennifer... To have spent his whole life alone, toiling, waiting to bring her back, obviously he's suffered more than John can begin to imagine.

 

"Okay, we're ready." Rodney changes the subject abruptly.

 

As John steps into the chamber, he feels like part of him has died here in this future world, still buried out there under all that sand. The life he thought he had, or could have with Rodney... it's gone now. No. Not that. It never actually existed. Because John's never been enough for something like that to be true.

 

What's true about everyone and everything in his life is that he's failed them when it mattered most. He won't do it now. He'll save Teyla and her baby, Ronon, everyone who will suffer and be lost if that future comes to pass. And he'll stop pushing Rodney away from Jennifer. He deserves the chance to be with the woman he loves.

 

That part will be harder, but John tells himself he can do it.

 

"Now if this works," McKay explains, "I'll be waiting right here when you come out. We don't have much time to get you through the gate, but I think we can manage it."

 

"And if it doesn't work?, John swallows hard and forces himself to go numb.

 

"Well, you won't feel a thing." McKay is pragmatic, "Basically, you just won't wake up."

 

"Right." That's the trick, just getting back to the place where he doesn't feel things; and if he doesn't wake up... well, the thought of dying really doesn't bother John much right now.

 

To lift the gloom that has settled around them, he tries to ask a few lighthearted questions about trivial things. It doesn't help. Not that hologram McKay would care if John suddenly broke down and started crying like a fucking baby.

 

The last thing he sees is the hologram sadly lifting his hand as if to say goodbye. John's always hated goodbyes...

 

.  
.

 

"Hey."

 

A blurred shape comes into focus, McKay's face smiling at him expectantly.

 

"You ready?" He speaks to John quickly, "We gotta catch this flare at just the right moment, pinpoint the time as close as possible to when you left, so, ah, we'd better get to the Gateroom now. I woke you up a little early to make sure we get it right, but better early than late, right?"

 

"Huh... It's over?"  John steps out of the pod again, "I don't feel any older."

 

"842 years." McKay chirps.

 

"42." John throws a half smile at him as they leave the stasis room, "I'll take that as a sign you'll pinpoint this thing right."

 

McKay throws him a quizzical look. "Why?" 

 

It's a reference he can't believe Rodney would miss, "Yeah, you know, just the answer to life, the universe, and everything."

 

"42?" McKay purses his lips dubiously.

 

Then John remembers how McKay didn't know about him being stationed in Afghanistan, questioning whether he'd even been in a sandstorm before. If he doesn't know that... he wouldn't know about Lyle, probably, a lot of other things too. He just seems so Rodney-like, so familiar, John's been interacting with him as if he's the real thing. 

 

"A Sci-fi book that... guess it wasn't important." A hard weight tightens in his empty gut, but right now McKay is the closest thing to Rodney he's got. "So what did Rodney tell, uh, program you to know about _me_?"

 

"Pretty much everything. You're one of the best friends I ever had. I might not recall your favorite flavor of Jello but I have his memories of you."

 

"But nothing about me being stationed in Afghanistan?" After 25 years John wonders how he was remembered, if what they shared together meant as much to Rodney as it did to him.

 

"Um, Afghanistan? I guess not. That was before you two started working together."

 

"Yeah." John tilts a look to McKay, "So then you remember how we met in Antartica?"

 

"On behalf of genius holograms everywhere I'm offended you'd think I'd fail to retain such a basic memory." McKay snorts. 

 

"Basic?" his heart drops, "The day we met seemed basic..."

 

"Well, no. Statistically, it was astounding you possessed the gene to operate the chair. But the amount of basic processing required to recall that is far less than, say, calculating how to send you traveling through time using the distortion of a solar flare through a wormhole."

 

 _'What did he expect?'_ It's not like Rodney would've copied every memory from his life. He'd have prioritized what was needed for the mission. At least he managed to make the hologram familiar enough with him to be a comforting presence. Except that part where he suggested John was possibly the last man alive. Still, even that was, very Rodney-like. 

 

"We used to play a lot of games together." John holds his breath for a beat, "Guess you um, wouldn't remember showing me the game room in Antartica or the things we did there on our time off?"

 

"No, I don't possess a complete record of every personal interaction from the Atlantis mission. There are limitations to data storage with an operating system as complex as mine." McKay smiles warmly at him, "But I remember our games, building those competing civilizations... At least before we realized how much trouble we were causing."

 

John points accusingly at him. "How much trouble YOU were causing by giving them technology far too advanced-" 

 

"For the last time," McKay interrupts with a laugh, "I wasn't cheating. Unlike you with those race cars... and I think you won just a little too often at chess for that to be a coincidence. But with video golf I'd say we were about even."

 

"How many times do I have to say it, Rodney, you can't cheat at chess." Somehow it feels like they're back in the cafeteria on Atlantis and nothing's changed, "But it was better when we were golfing with actual clubs." 

 

"Putting them into the water?" McKay's tone is slighly teasing, "I don't think so."

 

Reminiscing, John wistfully shakes his head, "Back on Earth."

 

"We played golf back on Earth?"

 

 _'So he doesn't remember any of it. Just Jennifer.'_ John snaps back to bleak reality. Everything has changed. He's never going to be able to go back to that place with Rodney that felt like home, the place he thought they could share together. He'd have opened every room of his fortress, every chamber of his soul. But the sharp twinge in his chest reminds him, Rodney doesn't want that.  

 

"I taught you some..." John mentally rewinds to an image of Rodney pressed up against him, gliding his hands over his arms to help position the swing, "You weren't much good, but I liked teaching you."  

 

"I don't remember everything but there's a sense of," The hologram pauses as if he's trying to understand, "an empty place. I never quite got over losing you." McKay regards him tenderly, "Many of my happiest memories in life are the ones I got to share with you. I wish I had all of them."

 

"Thanks, that... helps." Swallowing at the lump in his throat, John can't believe how much it means to know that. "My happiest, um... I mean, it was you... you were the best part of _my_ life." he shutters to suppress a dry sob, "The times I got to share with you... "

 

 _'Focus John.'_ He's perilously close to losing it completely.

 

"And we're going to have a lot more of them." McKay stops walking, as a flash of conflicting expressions run across his features all at once, the complexity of them so like Rodney it's unnerving, "Well, at least you and Rodney will. I'll never have existed."  

 

Lifting a finger the hologram considers with a twisted smile, "My success shall be my undoing. Ah well, a sad irony that nothing will be left of my monumental achievements. Someone should have written a paper about them... You know, if there was anyone left to read it." he jokes with just a drift of sadness in the wrinkles around his eyes.

 

 _'Advances in holo-technolgy? A simulation programmed designed to mimic Rodney's responses?'_ That's how the hologram explained his existence when he first appeared. But the emotional reactions about Jennifer, reflecting on it's own mortality, somehow the term 'artificial intelligence' seems more fitting.

 

As McKay simulates walking again, John sidles just close enough to keep from disrupting his EM field, "I've never forgotten anything about you. I'll write one."

 

"You? An academic paper?" The smile McKay gives him is different from the typical taunting smirk Rodney would have thrown at him; it's well-worn, gentle, unguarded.

 

Maybe that's how Rodney looked once he was really happy, maybe how he used to smile with Jennifer. 

 

Thankful for the banter to lighten his mood, John replies playfully, "I was thinking a nice thank you note... But hey, I'll get Rodney to write one. Believe me, he'll want to. He's gonna want to know everything about you, pester me constantly for more details about everything in his future."

 

"I bet he will. If I'd only given myself a way to transfer more information to another data crystal, there's a lot more I think I could contribute. After the solar conditions triggered my system back up today, I was multitasking and running diagnostics," McKay's brows lift eagerly, "and it occurred to me that I may have figured out a way to solve the exotic particle problem with the inter-dimensional bridge."

 

"You mean like the ones that blew up a whole solar system?" John makes a face. 

 

"I think it would work, I'd have to test some- " McKay shrugs, "Well, if I had another lifetime."

 

"You will." John bobs his head sincerely, "I'll make sure of that, only this time it'll be a happy one."

 

"Think so?" McKay's voice gets soft, his eyes gleam watery with sentiment as real-looking as the man who made him, blinking just the way Rodney always did when trying to compose himself, "I mean, that's the plan, right?"

 

"That's the plan. Save Teyla and the baby, save the galaxy... Jennifer included," John adds, "Happy ending for everyone." 

 

 _'Just not for me.'_   As much as it aches, John's reconciled himself with this fact. He'd sacrifice his life for any member of his team. With Rodney it goes much deeper; he'd do anything. Sacrificing his own happiness is a small price to pay if it means reuniting Rodney with the love of his life. 

 

At the mention of Jennifer's name, McKay's expression has saddened, becoming pensive and silent. For a time they drift down the halls, through the heat, passing sun-seared windows streaking bands of red-gold light across the hallway floors. It's as if the hologram carries all the burden his creator felt from 25 years toiling alone. John wonders why Rodney would want him to. Maybe it couldn't be helped, maybe the memories needed to complete the mission and it's purpose are too entwined. 

 

He decides not to bring Jennifer up again, unless McKay does first. But he can't stop thinking about her. His jealousy is somewhat tempered knowing at least she's a woman worthy of Rodney. Remembering a conversation with Ronon about her background and personality, it seems so obvious now, with the commonalities and contrasts they share. She's almost like a matching stone cut from the same bedrock; beautiful, kind, brilliant... and she can build a family with him like he's always wanted. 

 

John's family, it's all of _them_ , Rodney and the others lost 48,000 years ago. Without them to protect, not even his fortress of self and it's ruined remains can exist. Without them, the remains sink into a vacuum of all consuming loss. This time John won't fail them, he'll guard them more carefully. This plan has to work. It will, he'll bring them  _all_  back. As long as he doesn't lose them, there's happiness enough in that.

 

It was idiotic imagining Rodney would want a relationship with him. He'd long ago given up thinking he was the kind of guy capable of having one. It's just, Rodney's always had an effect that makes him want to hope. 

 

Hope is dangerous. A ripple of emotion courses suddenly through him that he fights to suppress.  _'Focus John'_.

 

Reaching the Gateroom, he leans over McKay's shoulder, watching the visuals on the console screen the way he used to with Rodney.

 

"I don't really need this, my operating system and sensors are integrated into the city," McKay gestures with a sweeping motion, "but the great Dr. McKay built in redundancies. So now I've just got to pinpoint the exact..." he trails off,  "Yes, okay good, not quite yet. Between 3.89 and 42.56 minutes our window will open. When conditions are right, I will alert you.

 

John-" he turns abruptly, his arm refracting momentarily as it slides through the edge of John's shoulder. "Upon waking 842 years ago and again today," McKay makes a series of rapid blinks, "I didn't quite anticipate being so influenced by memories of my personal life."

 

Nodding John wonders what Rodney intended to create with his hologram.

 

"I'm speaking beyond my designed parameters to ask this of you, but I feel... I feel it's what he would have wanted and, well, I was wondering... if things, if things don't work out...  

 

Can you make sure nothing happens to her, not again, I mean? If my grand plan to save the galaxy fails, you're the only one that can make sure she doesn't..." McKay's voice constricts, "Promise me you'll save her?"

 

"You aren't going to lose her this time," John vows solemnly, "I promise." 

 

"Well, there's no guarantees that, like you said. We can't possibly know if..." McKay ducks his chin, "I remember always thinking it seemed too good to be true. Maybe I just got lucky, because the misfortune of our circumstances brought us together... you seemed pretty shocked by the idea." 

  

"No, no don't think that." John shuffles uncomfortably; wanting to lift away some of the weight from the specter of his aged friend. "I was shocked for a different reason, it, it doesn't matter now. Actually," he widens his wavering smile, "she's said things to me about you."

 

McKay's countenance brightens so much, John forces himself to say more, "She finds you intriguing, no, 'fascinating', that was it." recounting the conversation, he keeps a smile plastered over his inner despair, "She wanted to know more about you 'cause she was discovering, like, that there were different sides to you and she was interested..."

 

God, his chest has that caving in feeling again as he exhales, "Listen buddy, she digs you okay? I see that now, it all fits. Why else would she be secretly following you down to the stasis chambers to try to overhear when you're talking to Carson? I'm sure your going to get the girl."

 

"Well, _I_ won't, I'm not him, only his brain patterning..." Still McKay looks pleased as he peers at John curiously, "Sure you're not just saying this just to make me feel better about fading into nonexistence, or whatever?"  

 

"No. Well, maybe I'm trying to make you feel better, but it's true. She's the lucky one, getting to be with you." John feels himself grimace unintentionally. 

 

McKay skims his eyes over the controls, then suspiciously back up to John, "With _that_ face? You're not being all that convincing."

 

"I'm just tired, you know?" John heaves a heavier sigh than he means to, "And I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything I thought I knew that's different now. I mean, now that we know what the future holds and what I need to do to change it."

 

"I seem to recall you having a better poker face than that. Listen, I appreciate the effort. You're a good friend for trying to make it a better -I know-I know-not goodbye, but a better send off. Honestly it's good,

 

McKay smiles appreciatively, "Just knowing if things don't go right you'll make sure she doesn't get sick. Even if I, if he, doesn't get to be with her, I need to know she's going to be safe and find happiness with someone. She deserves that.

 

"I know the feeling." John's voice comes out hoarse and thin. 

 

"But hey, since she's already asking you about me, you could always help out by talking me up, maybe play up the hero angle?" McKay grins mischievously, "You could let it slip, about us being together - Only, make sure it sounds like she thought all this was a great idea. Like, she really wanted me to do it. It could have even been her last request. Yeah, a dying wish, that sounds romantic, right?"

 

"Rodney." John can't hide the sorrow in his voice as he pitches his face into his hands; this is too much, "I can't, I just can't." 

 

"What's wrong?" McKay gets anxious, "What aren't you telling me?"  

 

John presses the butts of his palms into his eyes to push back the emotions. Lifting his head, he searches the lined and aged face of the hologram, trying to find his Rodney. But it isn't him. Their past together has been erased, like it never was. McKay can't tell him who he was to Rodney, he doesn't know the ache it leaves in him cold, empty, alone. The future is gone too, hollowed out like the marrow of the crumbling fortress caving in and suffocating him. 

 

McKay can't know any of these things but he sees the devastation on John's face, "Oh God. Whatever happened that you're not telling me, it's bad isn't it?" He flicks his glance side to side like he's trying to calculate what horror he's failed to imagine, what missing variable. 

 

"What happened..." The words whisper out a thready wheeze; John winces, the skin under his eyes bunching enough that the damp collecting there spills over the rims and leaves wet marks under his eyes, "I lost you." 

 

 _'Probably a long time ago. If I could ever say I had you at all.'_  But here, in this moment, there's a visceral sensation that Rodney has been physically ripped away from him. 

 

Shaking his head at the vast ceiling above, John searches for an anchor. But there's only McKay. He's what's left of Rodney's hopes and dreams, everything he spent a lifetime working for. 

 

John stares back at McKay with determination, "It's okay." Sounding steady, the two words punctuate the air and hang between them until he speaks again, "You and Jennifer are going to be okay."

 

"Okay." McKay worries his brow.

 

"You don't know... Just, I wish you did because," There's a long stuttered inhale before John can speak solidly again, "you're all of him I have left."

 

"Wait, I thought you said 'okay'. What happens to me, uh, him?"

 

"Rodney," The sure soldier's voice has fallen away to a soft rasp.

 

He can't tell  _his_  Rodney the truth, not without risking the future. McKay is the only fragment left to reach for, and he reaches for him desperately, "When I walked through that wormhole I thought, I thought I was coming home to you. That we were going to be together again."  

 

"Again?"

 

"The things we've shared, I know they meant  _something_. Even if he erased them, they had to mean something." His tone pleading at the end, John stops himself. 

 

"Are you saying that you and I were, that we were-" McKay is shocked stiff like one of the city's lightening rods hit too many times.

 

"We were. We were... _something_. And I've always loved you so much, I always will." John wipes away the dewy moisture under his eyes, "I needed to say it before I go, cause I can't tell him now."

 

He sighs, "This future isn't gonna happen, I'm going back to save Teyla and everyone else. But if anything goes wrong, you can know that no matter what, I'll make sure Jennifer stays safe. And I won't, I won't do anything to stand in the way of your happiness with her but," John deflates as his lungs empty.

 

"I just can't... Please don't ask me to try to _make_  it happen-" John's voice cracks, "because I'd do anything else for you, Rodney. But don't ask me to..." his torso contracts as he chokes back the part of him that wants to sob and scream, "to actually push you to be with someone else.”

 

"John!" McKay looks stricken and reaches out his hand, holding it short and staring at it's helpless inability to make physical contact. "I didn't know- I wouldn't ask-... I don't understand, what's 'something'?" his eyes widen with distress, "What, what was between us, who were we to each other?" 

 

"To me? You were everything.” John's voice goes small, "Don't think I'll ever know what I was to him. Just, I thought I had another chance to be with you, that maybe in time you'd feel..." he clears his throat, "Doesn't matter, Jennifer's everything I'm not. I get it. She can give you what I can't. So, I’ll step aside and keep my distance. I can do that. I can wait."

  

"Wait?" McKay's expression is tremulous.

 

"I'm sorry," John screws his face up, "I promise I won't get in the way of what's between you two. I only meant if enough time goes by and if for some reason it's different. Like if you don't choose her or you don't want... of course you want her but-God " Pacing in frustration, the words tear out of him.

 

"I've waited so long for a second chance, to lose you again is... But I can't stop it can I? It was going to happen anyway. Just how the HELL am I'm supposed to pretend to be okay that you're in love with someone else? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'd do anything to make you happy. I'd probably even end up fucking helping you in the end. But I can't change the way I feel, I don't know how to give up wanting you. I can't. I've waited this long, I'll keep-" John bites his lip.  _'Dammit he should know better. Hope is a dangerous thing.'_

 

McKay blinks with a bewildered and vulnerable expression, "I can't imagine someone waiting for  _me._ I've been alone so long..." His frown sags to one side,"I wish... there's so much emptiness here, in this mind. Empty spaces like the one where you once were. I wish... I had the ability to comfort you, to touch you somehow."

 

John reaches into the hologram, his hand overlaid into McKay's current. It's agony wanting for something he can't ever really reach; McKay, Rodney, the same ephemeral eternity of being held apart.

 

"If I.. If he...," Wide-eyed, McKay's wondering face stares into the bright field where his matrix has been displaced, he cautiously lowers his other hand into the space and the field sparks wider. "You'll find someone else." 

 

A bitterness wrinkles up to John's nose, "You're so much more than anyone else could ever... you're the bright, big, everything of my life and you always will be because," he squeezes back the emotion to speak clear and calm, _'Focus, John.'_

No one could ever reach me but you and I wouldn't want them to." he drinks in McKay's soulful expression, wondering if it's the last time he'll ever see Rodney's face looking at him this way, whatever age. "If this is as close as I ever get to be to you again," John nods to the place where their hands intersect, "Thanks, for this."

 

"No." McKay wisps breathlessly, "Closer" He moves into the space around John, his holo-image refracting, distorted by the interference, "I thought I knew you, our past. Compared to now, it's all so hazy. My existence is..." the confused voice makes a slight hum vibrating through him. 

 

"My mind is full of memories where I'm alone, but my only real experiences are with you. Us, here, in this place." McKay's voice shakes uncertainly. "I feel... I wish I could keep existing... like this... like I belong somewhere, not alone." the pitch drops low and heavy, "But I'm going to blink away, erased from existence, without ever knowing what everything means or what happens to you." 

 

"I don't know either. Only that this was the day I lost you." John sighs into the spools of light around him, "I wouldn't have let you be alone all that time, you never should've had to be. I would have been with you and taken it all away if I could. I'd hold you until I filled up all the empty years in between." 

 

The wispy fields of light softly move around him, "It feels like you could."

 

"You're _not_ blinking out of existence." John clenches his jaw in defiance, "Your my McKay, my Rodney, I'm not gonna let you stay lost in time, I'm gonna bring you back where you belong."

 

"You're the one lost in time." The reply rumbles back with a slight banter.

 

"No, no." John won't accept this anymore than Rodney did, "you fell out of time to this place that shouldn't exist. We're gonna go back and change it. And you’ll end up where you’re supposed to be. This mind," he stripes his fingers through the threads of light, "your beautiful mind, will be filled with new memories where you've been loved and never left alone. I promise you. I'm going to save Teyla, Ronon, everyone... but most of all you. 

 

And if things don't work out with Jennifer... Even if they do, there's got to be a crack in time again somewhere. And wherever that is, I'll find you. Maybe it takes as long as you growing this old, after you've lived a full and happy life with her. Maybe there's a chance she's gone and you need me again. I'll know your face, these pockets on your old man cardigan. Whatever I get, whatever's leftover, I'll take it and I'll love you till my last breath. 

 

I have to believe that. And you have to believe this isn't your end. Believe I'm going to find you, because I will. I know I run away when I should be running to you, and it's my fault I've lost you. But," the air in John's lungs catches, punching out his chest with ache, "I'll find you again, I'll come back for you."

 

A beeping sound from the console erupts and McKay's figure quickly reconstitutes next to the screen "No-no-no, not now! John-"

 

"It's going to be okay, Rodney." John projects a calm strength as he steps next to him, "How much time we got?"

 

McKay's hand reaches over to John, spindling through. He shakes his head with a crumpled expression. 

 

"McKay!" 

 

"12 seconds." He whimpers, "Then run for the gate." 

 

"Remember what I said, I'm not leaving you here alone." John gestures toward the rippling horizon, "I'll come back for you, I just have to go through the other side to find you."

 

McKay nods, his glistening eyes locked with John as his hand moves to an internal countdown, "Now!", he points, "You have to go now!"

 

Spinning on his heal, John sprints the short distance to the open wormhole. Racing forward is the only way to keep his promise, to reach back through time and save them all. He won't fail them again. Especially not Rodney. 

.

. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during Season 4, episode 20 "The Last Man  
> .


	3. Been a pleasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Ronon stays by John's side amid the literal and emotional ruins of the crumbling fortress._  
> .

.  
.

Rodney is in the gate room when Sheppard's IDC comes through. His heart leaps.

 

_'John!'_

 

He's been so frantic ever since he went missing, so afraid that...

 

Pulse racing, he runs down the stairs with Sam. God, oh God, let it be him. It's got to be.

 

Watching the event horizon anxiously, suddenly John is there.

 

Dusty and disheveled but alive and in one piece. Rodney feels faint with relief. He'd thought this time he might have lost John for good.

 

But he's here now and Rodney is making sure he never loses him again. As soon as John has finished with his debrief, Rodney is going to take him back to his quarters and finish that long overdue 'talk' of theirs.

 

"It worked." John is saying to him, "Rodney, you're a genius."

 

"Okay." He squeaks out in confusion "What worked?"

 

He wants to run up to John, grab him and kiss him; then scream at him for being gone so long and scaring him like that. But he's frozen in place as John walks toward him.

 

"John," Sam asks,"What happened?"

 

"How much time has gone by?" John asks her intensely.

 

"You've been missing for 12 days." She answers the obvious.

 

Rodney blinks in confusion. How can John not know how long he's been missing? What the hell happened to him?

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

"12 days. 12 days." John frantically thinks through Rodney's plan and the timeline of events to come, "Okay. She wouldn't have had her baby yet. Look, I know this sounds kind of weird, but we're on the clock."

 

"John what are you talking about?" Sam looks perplexed.

 

"I know where Teyla is." he tells her intently; he desperately needs Sam to believe him and they need to hurry.

 

But instead she sends him to be medically cleared before considering anything else he has to say.

 

Frustrated, John feels the building pressure to make sure things don't go wrong again. It's why Rodney brought him back in the first place.

 

There are more discussions and more tests. It's driving him crazy that he can't convince her to take action now.

 

At last, Rodney verifies the solar flare activity that interfered with his wormhole and Sam lets John put his mission together.

 

Since being released from the isolation room, Rodney has been trying to talk with him privately. John has refused to let himself be alone with him and the urgency of the mission is a good excuse. He tells Rodney everything has to wait until they get Teyla back safely, evading as much conversation as he can and avoiding even Rodney's most innocent questions.

 

John just can't bear the sight of Rodney right now, every time he looks at him, he sees his future with Jennifer. And every time  John's heart breaks again, he's suffocating under the ruins. He needs to figure out how to stop, stop feeling this. He just... can't.

  

As they're headed for the gate, Rodney catches him off guard, turning to John in a low voice, "Look, I know you've already been debriefed about the future events, all the things we're hoping to avoid, but there's just one more thing I need to know."

 

Even out here in the open, John feels cornered and acts annoyed, "What?"

 

Looking nervously, as if he doesn't want Ronon to overhear, Rodney asks, "Do I still have hair?"

 

 _'Is he fucking serious?'_ He can't let himself think about anything but the mission, McKay's mission.

 

He lies, acting disinterested, "No." It's painful thinking about the hologram of McKay, his sweet, sad face; the last thing that matters is telling Rodney he looked pretty good for his age.

 

Before Rodney can ask him anything else he turns and shouts to the rest of the team, "Let's go!"

 

.

.

 

The location where Teyla is supposed to be is empty. So John splits the teams up to comb the building for clues.

 

Leaving Rodney to hack into a data terminal in one of the labs, he and Ronon make their way to a room that looks like a maternity ward from a horror movie. Over the com, John tells Rodney he thinks they've found the place where Michael's going to bring her to have the baby.

 

Only it looks like they're here a bit early. Rodney is making progress on his end, saying something about cracking into Micheal's records.

 

Then the transmission cuts out as a giant rumble shakes the structure.

 

John barely has time to register what's happening before the whole building starts coming down around them.

 

.

.

 

Coughing and sputtering John tries to remember where he is. His mind swims as he struggles to regain consciousness. Is he dreaming? He was with Teyla but she isn't here. He's failed McKay's mission. Ford, Ford was here too, reminding him of that; how he failed him, like he fails everyone. The weight of the ruined castle feels so heavy, so real.

 

"Sheppard!" He hears Ronon yelling, "Hey, buddy."

 

The crushing sensation...  He really is pinned under the rubble of a broken building.

 

John's eyes start to regain focus, "What happened?"

 

Ronon is leaning over him in a cramped cave-in, "Michael's compound, it collapsed on us."

 

Trying to move, John gasps in agony under the fallen support beams.

 

"Hey." Ronon reaches his hand onto John's shoulder to stop him.

 

"I think I… I…" He can barely catch any air, the pain is making it hard to think straight. 

 

 _'What did Rodney say about a castle?'_ Fortifications he said John built around his heart. It crashed in on him when he when forward in time, when McKay told him about Jennifer and he couldn't breathe. He still can't breathe.  

 

"Yeah," Ronon climbs in further to reach him, "hold on, let me take a look."

 

The scraping sensation of something metal being pulled through his insides causes John to bite back a scream, "What the hell was that?" he chokes.

 

"Just a little scrape, no big deal." Ronon is putting together some kind of makeshift bandage, trying to reach as best he can with John twisted inside all this metal.

 

 _'Rodney'_ He was closer to the exit, he would have made it out. And John would feel it if he were gone.

 

Over the radio, there's only static. He can't know Rodney's okay, but he does. Wouldn't he feel it if Rodney was missing? Part of John would be missing too. God. His eyes swim with pain that pulls him to the brink of passing out.

 

Ronon does his best to keep John conscious by talking to him. He even tries to lift away some of the metal beams, but they don't budge.

 

John shakes his head and speaks in a thin voice, "This thing ain't moving… I wonder what happened to the others." His suffering feels a deserving punishment for this botched rescue; so many could be hurt or dead because of him.

 

"I don't know," Ronon answers, "it happened pretty quick. I doubt many people made it out."

 

No, but, but somehow John knows Rodney did, he can just feel it. But it won't be enough. Not for Teyla, not enough to change the fate of the galaxy. He's failed his mission.

 

"So stupid…" He gasps, "Of course the building was booby-trapped. I should have seen that coming."

 

"Yeah, well, none of us did." Ronon assures him.

 

"Yeah, but I'm the guy. You know? Like, 'the guy'. It was stupid rushing in here all guns blazing, I should have been more careful." There's no way to explain the burden of all his failures; John won't ever forgive himself.

 

"Everyone knew what we were getting into." Ronon argues, "We all knew how dangerous it was, so don't beat yourself up about it."

 

Clenching his teeth through the white hot shards of pain running through him, John  decides he has save to Ronon, gotta convince him to go, "You need to start thinking about how to crawl your way out of here."

 

"No way." Ronon sounds settled in for the long haul.

 

"I'm serious." John uses his stern commander's voice, "You just keep moving up, keep moving the debris. Work your way up."

 

"I'm not leaving you behind, Sheppard." Ronon answers like a soldier but disobeys his order; still struggling to move another bar and from the sound of it, having little success.

 

"I'm not trying to be a hero here." John tries another tactic, "It's a, it's a selfish thing. I need you to dig a hole so that the rescuers can come down and get me." He has to convince Ronon to go, he can't let him die down here too.

 

Disregarding him completely, Ronon starts pulling at some pipes coming through the floor, "That's the wrong way, chief." John argues.

 

"We get this beam off you, we get you free, we dig ourselves out together. Deal?"

 

John pants against the blinding pain, "You ain't going to listen to me one way or the other, are you?"

 

"Great. Deal." Ronon seems to take that as acceptance, continuing to grunt and huff, as he pries at the various hunks of metal enclosing them.

 

The noises blur together and John leans his face forward against the large beam twisted about him. The one squeezing the life out of him. He'll just rest for a bit. Close his eyes and…

 

.

.

 

"John?!" Rodney is pulling him out from the heat and sand, "I almost thought I lost you there."

 

"I, I thought", Confused, John struggles for breath and pulls the dusty handkerchief from around his face, "for a minute I thought I died out there."

 

He grasps onto Rodney's solid hand; he's not a hologram anymore; It's really him, alive, the age he's supposed to be, "Where are we?"

 

"We have to hurry." Rodney looks around the hot, empty hallway, "We have to get back in time to save Teyla, her baby, the fate of the galaxy-"

 

"Jennifer." John interrupts with the memory of the mission facing him.

 

Rodney squeezes his hand in urgency, "Please don't let anything happen to her, not again." his voice chokes, "You're my only hope to save her -promise me."

 

"I promise." John slides Rodney's hand gently in his, "I'll do anything..." he twines their fingers together, "to make you happy, anything..."

 

It has a calming effect and Rodney's eyes, so open and blue beam at him; they wash through him with an ache knowing the look isn't meant for him, "Ugh", John winces in pain.

 

"You're bleeding!" Rodney runs his hands over John's chest in concern and lifts his shirt.

 

"I am." John looks down at the gaping wound and tries to remember what happened, "I think... the castle collapsed on me."

 

"The castle?" Rodney wraps a cloth around John's waist, pulling it tight to stop the blood flow.

 

"Fortifications... the ones you said I, I use to keep people away. I think they crashed in on me."

 

"Why?" Leaning over him, Rodney cups his jaw tenderly, "What happened?"

 

John presses his lips together in a grimace, he shouldn't have said that. He's not supposed to get in the way of Rodney's life with Jennifer. Just, the pain is making his mind fuzzy.

 

.

.

 

A jolt of searing agony wakes John suddenly. He can't tell how long he's been out this time.

 

"Hey." Ronon is talking to him, "Come on, one more try."

 

"Mmm." John tries to stay conscious, "I'm feeling pretty weak, buddy."

 

"You're not quitting on me yet, are you?" Ronon has managed to free a pipe from the floor.

 

"No… Uh. Well, I was thinking about it." he admits.

 

"That wasn't part of our deal." Ronon gruffly reminds him of this supposed deal they made.

 

Too weary to argue much, John complains, "You keep adding things to this deal of ours."

 

"All right." Ronon gets the pipe in position, "Ready?"

 

He's too weak to answer and Ronon begins counting by himself, "1, 2, 3…" he throws his weight into lifting the heavy beam; It barely moves but he doesn't stop, grunting and straining with the effort.

 

Finally, he sags to the floor in defeat.

 

"Ronon."

 

He looks back at John with fierce loyalty in his eyes.

 

"You need to get out of here." John pleads with him.

 

"Would you leave me if I was stuck under there?" he challenges.

 

"Yes." John lies like he would never have given it a second thought.

 

"You hear that?" Ronon lifts his head to the ceiling.

 

"What?"

 

"It sounds like digging." Ronon turns his head listening.

 

"Yeah," John croaks, I hear it… I hear it."

 

"Hey! Hey we're down here!" Ronon shouts.

 

A man's voice answers, "We're coming for you! Just stay calm!"

 

"And you were gonna quit." Ronon grunts and smiles at John.

 

As the voices get closer, John jokes gratefully with their rescuers and promises never to make fun of combat engineers again.

 

But Ronon notices something is wrong, there responses are off.

 

Asking a few more questions they realize whoever's coming for them isn't human.

 

"Michael's hybrids?..." Ronon guesses, climbing across the beam closer to John, "I bet he was tipped off when the building blew."

 

"I told you you should have gotten out of here." John wheezes.

 

"Yeah, whatever." Ronon sits protectively behind him.

 

"Uh," John struggles. "I can't reach my gun."

 

Ronon finds it; he cocks the trigger and places it in John's hand for him, "Here... All right, how do you want to play this?"

 

He thinks for a bit; there's no move here that ends with them alive, "Shoot till we can't shoot anymore."

 

"All right." Ronon looks up at the small opening above.

 

It's fitting. To die under the ruins of a fortification. Like the one that came crashing down on him before this explosion. Sometime not too long before all this, about 48,000 years from now in the future.

 

He was supposed to save them, to complete McKay's mission. He's failed him utterly. All he can hope for now is that something in this timeline has changed enough... Maybe with the information on the data crystal they'll still find Teyla and save her child.

 

Rodney made it out, he'll get to have his happy ending with Jennifer. John can't bear the thought of it otherwise. He can't bear the thought of McKay suffering alone and adrift in time, reaching for the futile hope that John will set it right. _'I'm so sorry'_

 

But Ronon. Ronon's going to die here too because he wouldn't leave John alone like he deserved. 

 

Just like he wouldn't leave John alone when he'd heard about his father's funeral. And when he'd learned the truth about his feelings for Rodney, he'd still stood by John's side. For some reason he always has, and just refused to ever leave. 

 

It's a loyalty John feels unworthy of but returns as deeply. A series of memories of the times they've shared together flicker through his mind in a rush of love and gratitude for Ronon's friendship. He doesn't know what he can say to express how much it means to him. 

 

But he has to say something before it's too late, they don't have much time left.  _'Dammit. he's never been able to do goodbyes'_

 

His voice husky with emotion, John manages only a few words, "Been a pleasure."

 

There is no answer and John wishes he wasn't pinned to the ground so he could see his friend's expression.

 

Ronon finally replies, "Same." By the tone of his voice, John knows he understands what he's trying to say and returns the sentiment.

 

Just above them, the hybrids begin to make their way down.

 

Okay. This is it. Their last stand.

 

Reaching up with their weapons, they aim to fire.

 

A flash of light envelopes them. _'Are they being beamed out?'_  And then suddenly they are  in the infirmary aboard the Daedalus.

 

Ronon is slapping at a medical intern approaching him, "Don't touch me." he growls.

 

Blinking up, John sees Jennifer looming over him with concern, "We thought we'd lost you there." She hooks him up to an IV with a bag of blood; right he needs more of that now. 

 

"Yeah, well, for a second, _I_ thought we'd lost me." He answers in a daze; but he is lost, he's still lost all of them, failed his mission.

 

As she touches his side, he winces in pain beyond just the physical wound, "It's going to be okay, though, right?"

 

"Yeah." Jennifer sighs, "You need some serious work, but you should, you know, live to fight another day and all that."

 

Trying to catch his breath, John needs to grasp what can still be salvaged, how he can still save Teyla, "So, what's going on? I guess Michael showed up before the Daedalus."

 

"Yeah," Jennifer grabs a new bandage, "we had to lower the shields to beam you up here."

 

"Sorry about that." he pants heavily against the pain. _'Focus John'_

 

She peers at him with big brown eyes as she tends to his injury, "Well, I'm sure McKay and Colonel Carter will be able to fix it."

 

His heart leaps, he hasn't even allowed himself to imagine Rodney could be gone; eyes full of emotion he can't hold back, he searches Jennifer's face, "McKay's alive?"

 

"Yeah." Jennifer bobs her head with a happy twinkle in her eyes; then ducks a bit self-conscious, as if she's revealed too much in her expression.

 

Before all this John wouldn't have noticed the subtle change in her at the mention of Rodney. He'd been blind to even the most obvious signs. As she tells him McKay and Lorne were the only other ones to make it out of the compound alive, John reels at the scope of his failure. 

 

"Patch me up," he leans forward, trying to sit, "I need to get back out there." She can't possibly know how important this is.

 

"What?!" Jennifer exclaims, "No, no, no. Look you will be fine, but you're far from it now. You've lost a lot of blood. You need surgery and a transfusion. I mean this can't wait."

 

"Look, Doc, Michael's here. That means Teyla's probably on the ship. I'm too close to sit here and do nothing." He has to find a way to explain to her that he can't fail, not again.

 

"You're not gonna be sitting around doing nothing." Jennifer seems exasperated, "You're gonna be laying here in surgery."

 

"Okay, there's got to be, like… There's got to be a quick fix." John begs. Ronon and Rodney are safe but he has to get to Teyla, he has to save her.

 

Jennifer gets something off of her tray, "No-"

 

He interrupts, "I need a few hours." _'The entire course of history had shifted because of Rodney's love for Jennifer and SHE doesn't want to let him finish the mission that could save her own life?'_

 

"I'm sorry. I can't." Jennifer looks at him in compassion, seeing how his body is wracked with pain.

 

"Look!" John grabs her arm in desperation, probably a bit too hard, "I have had the chance to rescue a teammate before, and it slipped through my hands."

 

 _'I have to rescue ALL of you. Especially you. For Rodney.'_ He can't fail again, not again. In his mind he sees McKay's old face. 

 

His lower lip trembles as he looks up at her, pleading, "I am not letting that happen again." 

 

Though she can't possibly know just how important this is, she seems moved by the intensity of his feelings and agrees to do what she can.

 

When Jennifer finishes her 'quick fix' job, John walks to the bridge, trying to hold himself strong and tall despite the shooting pain in his side.

 

Sam is speaking, "We need to take out the cruiser's main weapons."

 

"With what?" Rodney asks her.

 

"We could launch a 302 attack." Sam suggests.

 

John joins in, "That's what I was thinking. We have to get Teyla off that cruiser before it is a capable of escaping back into hyperspace."

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney spins around in his chair. John was supposed to be in surgery, but here he is standing in the doorway with Ronon, looking sexy and battle ready.

 

"Colonel, Dr. Keller said you were out of commission." Sam sounds surprised.

 

"She revised her diagnosis." John answers playfully, then he lowers his voice, "Look, we may have an idea."

 

John wants Caldwell to launch some 302's as a diversion. Then when the Hive ship lowers its shields to launch it's attack Darts, he can use the opening to take a cloaked Jumper with a small stealth team inside.

 

As they prepare the Jumper for takeoff, Rodney notices that John does not seem as battle ready as he first appeared. "You know, Ronon and I could probably handle this. Maybe you should stay with the Jumper." Rodney looks to him with open concern.

 

Turning to glare darkly at Rodney, John holds the look long enough to make a solid impression.

 

"Or not." Rodney backpedals.

 

Releasing Rodney from the glare, John tells the Daedalus they're in position.

 

The 302's give them the window they need and they make it into Michael's Hive.

 

Before they all head out into the interior of the ship, Ronon gives John a concerned pat on the shoulder. He seems worried about John's condition too.  

 

But they need to hurry. Rodney's readings show that Michael is very close to getting his hyperdrive back online. 

 

Thankfully they find Teyla alone, but she's about to deliver her baby, having been in contractions for some time.

 

With the hyperdrive about to fire up any moment, John and Ronon go to take it out while he stays behind to attend to Teyla.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John heads with Ronon in the direction of the hyperdrive, easily eliminating the hybrids they find stationed there. With a little luck, no one else was close enough to hear the gunfire.

 

Ronon looks up at the glowing cylinder reaching down from the ceiling. "Its almost powered up."

 

"Give me your C4" John says quickly.

 

Taking it from Ronon, he tries to reach up and attach it, but buckles from his wound, crying out in pain.

 

"Here. Give it to me." Ronon strides over to the center cylinders.

 

"I got it." John braces himself with his hands on his knees.

 

"Give it to me." Ronon grabs the C4 from him, his voice booming loud, "You don't have to do _everything_."

 

With Ronon's height, he effortlessly attaches the explosive, "All right. You ready? Let's go."

 

The two of them dash out of the room, shooting at the hybrids as they make their way down the corridor.

 

Tucking into an alcove, John pulls out the detonator. The explosion rocks the ship but they are unharmed by the blast.

 

They make it back to the room where Rodney is waiting with Teyla to find her holding her baby in her arms.

 

"Ronon, you're going to need to help me." she says weakly. 

 

Easily lifting her up, Ronon takes her in his arms as they head back to the Jumper.

 

Only when they get there, the Jumper has disappeared. Shit. They're gonna need to find another way off the ship.

 

"I told you, you should have stayed here." Rodney gestures to John in frustration.

 

Leading them back into the corridors, John tries to keep them out of sight from any hostile hybrids. 

 

"How the hell are we supposed to get off this ship now?" Ronon asks.

 

Rodney snipes in reply, "I just delivered a baby. That's not enough for today?"

 

Keenly aware that his 'quick fix' job is starting to fall apart, John has to get them out of here before he loses what's left of his stamina.

 

And then they encounter a figure that Teyla tells them not to shoot. She says it's Kanaan, the father of her child. Though he has been altered, he freed her earlier and she trusts him.

 

With Kanaan's assistance, they take a Dart safely back to the Daedalus before it fires into Michael's cruiser and destroys it.

 

.  
.

 

John finds himself back in the infirmary chatting with Teyla while waiting for his surgery. She tells him that she can't believe he attempted to mount a rescue in his condition.

 

"'Attempt'?" John takes issue with her description, "The last time I checked, I succeeded."

 

Asking about the child in her arms, she glows with happiness about how perfect he is. Looking up from her infant, she tells John, "I want to thank you."

 

"There's no need."

 

Teyla continues, "I never gave up hope. Because I knew... I knew that you would come for me, John."

 

"You would have done the same for me." 

 

"Yes." Teyla smiles.

 

Jennifer walks into the room, "All right. You ready Colonel?"

 

"Ready?" John quips, "From my understanding, I'm not doing anything."

 

"No, that's right." Jennifer says pleasantly, "You just have to lay still…" she shakes her hands in a silly way, "let me play with your insides."

 

John stares back at her without humor. He wants to hate her for taking Rodney from him. He really does.

 

The smile on Jennifer's face drops when she sees the way John is looking at her. "Sorry. Um, let's go." She gestures to her assistants.

 

As they wheel the gurney out, John asks Teyla, "What are you going to name the kid?"

 

"Well," Teyla answers from her bed nearby, "if it's all right with you, I was thinking of Torren John, after my father and after you."

 

"Really?" John is touched, "Wow."

 

"McKay's going to hate that." Jennifer tells Teyla.

 

As the gurney exits the room, John lifts himself up to look back at her, "I would be very honored."

 

"Very well." Teyla replies with a smile before he is out of earshot.

 

.

.

 

Like the drips in his IV, time leaks by at a torturous pace. A week. Another week of being stuck in the infirmary recovering from surgery is more than John has the patience to endure.

 

Since returning from the future, he hasn't had to be alone with his thoughts and they're haunting him now. He tries to blot out the voices of those dead and lost from a future that never was. _'What more do they want of him? He's set things right.'_

 

McKay's old eyes are still there, glittering back at John with emotion, a ghost still begging to be rescued from his fate. God, he's gotta figure a way out of here. He can't just lay here like this.

 

As John tries to get out of his gurney Rodney parts the flimsy curtain, "Hey! You're going to tear your stitches if you're not careful." He sets a sandwich down on the bedside table, "If you need something, I'll get it for you."

 

The pain in his side makes John grunt in futility and flop back down, "'Okay, just for a minute."

 

Rodney pulls a chair up to his bedside, "Everything's been so crazy since you got back, we haven't really had the chance to-"

 

"Yeah" John mumbles and looks away in discomfort, "Sorry I, ah..."

 

"Okay, I'll start." Rodney lifts his head in a determined way, "So you said you'd be gone an hour, I waited for two before I went back to the control room and realized you'd disappeared-"

 

"Rodney," John cuts him short, "I can't. I mean, there are things I know about the future that I can't... explain." This hurts more than the ghosts in his mind, worse than anything else. But there's no escaping it.

 

With an edge of vulnerability, Rodney's eyes beseech him. It cracks John's heart open again, raw and exposed. With no fortress left to protect himself, he edges his gaze away. He can't let Rodney see how broken he is. He wishes to God he didn't know what he did, if he hadn't promised to protect Rodney's future...

 

"I'm not-" Rodney huffs in annoyance, "asking about that." He reaches for John's hand and squeezes it, "There were other things we were going to talk about."

 

The feel of Rodney's hand on his makes John ache, he wishes he could reach out and beg for another chance without betraying his word, without betraying everything Rodney wants with Jennifer.

 

Blinking up, he can't hide the pain. Maybe... Maybe this timeline could be different. If Jennifer stops noticing the things about Rodney that make him so special. _'No, hope is a dangerous thing.'_  She will. And they'll be happy together. It's what Rodney wants. He can't be selfish enough to try to take that away from him. 

 

"Talk." John repeats the word dully, Rodney's asking the impossible.

 

He can't say anything to interfere. Not unless he can be sure he isn't destroying Rodney's future. He's stuck, waiting, hoping there might be a time again when he could chance to tell him how much he feels.

 

"Or at least eat?" With a stubborn expression, Rodney lets go of his hand and offers the sandwich he's prepared.

 

"Eat." John stuffs his sadness down and accepts Rodney's gift; taking a bite of the delicious treat and mumbling, "I'm sorry I can't-"

 

"I have ways of making people talk, Colonel", Rodney eyes John with a mixture of humor and frustration, "Whatever it is you're hiding, I'll get to the bottom of it."

 

At that John a chokes a bit on the food in his mouth and laughs, "Is this you trying to act the part of one of your comic book villains?"

 

"Ah-ah, Colonel, nothing is what it appears," Rodney narrows his eyes and dramatically waves his hand, "the first sandwich is free, but I assure you, things will go much easier for you if you don't try to resist."

 

Smiling John swallows, "That so, Dr. McKay?, So then am I to assume this is more than just finding out what your future hairline will look like?"

 

Unguarded and overly sincere, Rodney leans in, "This is about what you needed to tell me the day you left. This is about you pushing me against the wall and us almost-"

 

"Hey!" Ronon walks in, "How's the recovery going?"

 

"He's eating." Rodney stands up and gestures for Ronon to take his seat, rolling his eyes at John, "We're not finished here... _Colonel_."

 

"What was that about?" Ronon asks once Rodney has left.

 

His appetite suddenly gone, John sets down the sandwich, "Before I went through the gate and got lost, I tried to, actually I was about to tell him everything."

 

"And?"

 

John breaks down and admits it all to Ronon. How close he was, his lips brushing against Rodney's… then being thrown into the future and finding out the truth, how Rodney and Jennifer are destined to be together.

 

Ronon scoffs when he hears John's reason for backing away; he doesn't seem to understand why John is taking this all so seriously. "They were only together 'cause you and me were dead. Doesn't mean anything."

 

Part of him wishes Ronon was right, that Jennifer isn't the key to Rodney's happiness. But he wasn't there, he didn't meet Rodney's future hologram. He couldn't possibly understand what the experience was like, what he owes to McKay for saving them all.

 

He has to be sure not to do the wrong thing. Only McKay knew Rodney's hopes and dreams. And he trusted John to protect them.

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes from Season 4, episode 20 "The Last Man" through/after Season 5, episode 1 "Search and Rescue"


	4. I'm not taking a bath with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _With John stuck in the infirmary, Rodney refuses to let him evade things any longer._  
> .

 

.  
.

 

At first, Rodney hoped John was just being distant because of his recent ordeal. But there's more to it than that, he's pulled away again. Rodney should have known better than to think something had changed. John always pulls away when they get too close.

 

Why did he let himself think this time would be any different? John hardly knows  what he wants himself. And he's definitely confused when it comes to his feelings about men. Maybe he just thought Rodney would be easy again and… No, it was more than that. 

 

He'd made it sound like there was something he'd been needing to say for a long time...

 

But now John's acting like nothing even happened between them. And Rodney's just so pissed off and hurt that he's pulled away. Nothing he's tried seems to be able to break through John's impenetrable fortress again.

 

When he didn't come back from that mission, Rodney had been so frantic he barely slept the whole 12 days John was gone. Drinking coffee, scouring data from the gate buffers for clues, he couldn't figure out what went wrong or where he was. 

 

Then John just came running back through the gate, taking them all on an emergency mission to rescue Teyla. And now... It's like nothing happened before he left, no explanation for almost kissing him. 

 

Rodney thought once everyone was safe, John would come back to him. He's tried not pressuring him, he's tried forcing him to talk. He's told himself in time, they'll inevitably get closer, the way they always have before. But over the weeks John only seems further away. Nothing seems to work.

 

Lately, the way John acts, it's like Rodney's mere presence is an intrusion and he doesn't want him around at all.

 

Confused and defeated, Rodney decides to spend more of his free time keeping Carson company. He knows Carson can't really hear him inside the stasis pod, but he doesn't want him to be lonely. He'd rather not admit that he's the lonely one and these little one-sided conversations are more for his benefit than Carson's.

 

When the Daedalus arrives with Mr. Woolsey, it brings with it Rodney's long awaited luxury mattress. Just, the timing is a little off. John doesn't come by his room anymore. Still, the bed is really comfortable and Rodney tries to forget why he got it in the first place. 

 

But he can't stop thinking about John and what almost happened between them. He's so desperate, desperate for John to feel something, anything for him. He's given him every opportunity to 'talk' and it's clear John doesn't want to. It would probably be healthier if he could just let go once and for all and find someone else.

 

Maybe Jennifer.

 

She'd asked him out for that drink, after all. Still, the last time Rodney tried to distract himself from his unrequited feelings for John, the whole dating Katie thing hadn't worked out so well.

 

But it's been years. If John was ever going to feel something more for him, he would have by now.

 

And of course, Rodney doesn't want to press the issue any further than he already has. He doesn't want John to get angry like he did before. After all, he was told in no uncertain terms, NEVER to go there again.

 

And he hasn't. It's just, it really seemed like John was about to go there.

 

He almost kissed him for Christ's sake.

 

How the hell is Rodney supposed to interpret those kinds of mixed messages?

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

John still can't believe Sam has been replaced. One minute she was headed to Earth for a debriefing… And, well that was it. She never came back and now they're stuck with Woolsey, that IOA puppet.

 

He steps into the Control Room to welcome Woolsey as he arrives on Atlantis. As second in command he's going to have to learn to live with this. 

 

As Woolsey beams in from the Daedalus, John extends a hand, "Mr. Woolsey, welcome back."

 

"Thank you, Colonel." Woolsey releases John's grip and clears his throat, "Well, then…"

 

Everyone in the control room waits in silence to hear from their new commander-in-chief.

 

"I think I'll start by going over copies of all your latest reports." Woolsey tells him then looks over to Rodney, "Yours as well, Doctor."

 

"What?" Rodney asks, "Right now?"

 

"I've been out of touch on the Daedalus for 3 weeks, I'd like to be brought up to speed as quickly as possible. We can have a full briefing in the morning."

 

As Woolsey unceremoniously walks out of the Gateroom, he tells someone on the way out, "Please have the rest of my things sent directly to my quarters."

 

"Nice speech," John murmurs his discontent to Rodney, "real inspiring."

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Ronon walks into the briefing room, ready for their first official meeting with Woolsey.

 

Noticing Jennifer and Rodney, he thinks about everything John told him.

 

Rodney seems nervous as he sidles up to Jennifer, "Did you get any sleep last night?

 

"Do I really look that bad?" Jennifer pours herself a cup of coffee.

 

"Ah, no, no, of course not. That's not what I meant. Ah, it's really… It's a lovely…"

 

"Thanks." Jennifer replies a bit sarcastically, as she walks over to the table.

 

 _'Yeah. Okay. That is how Rodney sounds when he's trying to flirt.'_ Still, it doesn't  mean anything as far as he and Jennifer are concerned. She isn't interested in Rodney at all, she's into him. And since Ronon has no plans on dying any time soon, he couldn't be less worried about any competition. Especially not from someone like McKay.

 

"Wow." John walks in, "New table, huh?"

 

Teyla explains, "Woolsey brought it with him. He said he wanted a little piece of home."

 

"12 foot long mahogany conference table." John assesses the thing.

 

"I don't get it," Ronon wonders out loud, "I thought Colonel Carter was doing a good job."

 

John explains that sometimes success is a curse. With the threat level down, the IOA is jumping at the chance to put a civilian back in command.

 

"Well, it's not just that." Rodney adds, "Sam didn't exactly stick to protocol."

 

"Neither did Weir." Ronon reminds him.

 

Rodney nods, "Right so for 4 years, they've been waiting to get someone in there who'll finally do things their way."

 

"Well, I still don't get it." Ronon is sullen; after he got to know Sam, she was someone he could respect, but this Woolsey guy-

 

"Colonel," Jennifer asks John, "when you were in the future and you learned all those things that were going to happen, wasn't this one of them, Woolsey taking over?"

 

"Well circumstances were…" John looks uncomfortable, "a little different."

 

"Still," Jennifer reflects, "it is a little unsettling. I mean, maybe it's harder to change the course of events than we thought."

 

"Well, I wouldn't worry about it." Rodney twitters. "I mean, ah, the fact that Sheppard's here makes all the difference, right?"

 

Giving Ronon a knowing look, John remarks, "Woolsey wasn't the weirdest thing about that timeline." 

 

"What do you mean?" Teyla asks.

 

"Never mind." John's voice gets oddly cheerful, but his expression settles darkly on Ronon as he shakes his head.

 

Rodney looks to Ronon in confusion. But before any other questions can be asked, Woolsey enters the room.

 

Mr. Woolsey crisply congratulates them all on taking down Michael and his organization. When they try to point out that intel suggests Michael made it off his ship in their stolen Jumper, Woolsey quickly shoots them down.

 

Refusing to dedicate the resources of Atlantis to pursuing 'a single individual', he methodically runs down a list of issues, proclaiming his stance on each one.

 

Pulling out one of his last files, Woolsey asks Jennifer about the situation with Carson Beckett, noting that she has devoted a lot of time and attention to him lately.

 

Jennifer explains that once Rodney recovered the data from the wreckage of Michael's compound, she thought it would be a priority to find a solution. She's found a serum and is developing a treatment, but wants to be sure it will work before taking any action.

 

With little sentiment, Woolsey decides that she's reached the limits of what her research can tell her. He orders Jennifer to take action one way or another and move on; either revive Carson and see what happens or leave him in stasis so she can get to work on more important things.

 

As Woolsey makes his proclamation, Ronon can't fail to see the contempt on Rodney's face.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

John watches with apprehension as Carson wakes up in the infirmary. Given an ultimatum, Jennifer's opted to attempt reviving Carson with the serum she developed. They just have no way of knowing whether it will work yet.

 

"Hey, there. How are you doing?" Rodney asks.

 

"Fine." Carson answers weakly, "What happened?"

 

"Well, what do you think?" Rodney waves his hand happily, "We thawed you out."

 

As Teyla and Ronon both warmly welcome Carson back, he blinks, "How long was I in there?"

 

"About 2 months give or take." John answers.

 

"Did I miss anything?" he asks John.

 

He calmly sways his low slung hands on his hips like there's nothing for Carson to worry about. _'Yeah, just we're all living in an altered timeline because everyone died horribly, that and we have no idea if this serum is going to actually keep you alive.'_ Out loud, he drawls, "You know, just the usual." 

 

Jennifer steps into the room to give the verdict. The treatment has actually stopped the cellular degradation and Carson's going to be okay. John is flooded with relief.

 

After telling them, she looks up shyly at the rest of the team and excuses herself, "I'll let them tell you about it." she awkwardly steps back out to let them all talk with Carson.

 

Feeling guilty about how cold he's been to her lately, John follows her out, "Hey, Doc, nice work."

 

"Well," Jennifer's voice is gently humble, "it's not a permanent solution."

 

Knowing she could use some reassurance, John tries to make amends for his recent behavior, "It's good enough for now." He levels his eyes until she sees his confidence in her.

 

He knows she's been working long hours to get this done and tells her she should let herself rest. Looking tired, she smiles appreciatively as she leaves.

 

Watching her go, his face falls into a sad ache; he doesn't know how to feel around her any more. It's a confusing jumble. He's jealous and wants to hate her for taking Rodney away from him. But he can't. Rodney was never his to begin with and she's too kind to dislike. In many ways she'd not so different from Rodney at heart... except without that external trademark bubble of McKay hostility. 

 

And it's impossible to hate someone so important to Rodney. Even if she isn't yet, she will be. He spent a lifetime working on a way to bring her back, the very least John can do is keep his promise by extending his protection and loyalty to her the way he promised McKay he would.

 

.  
.

 

Groggily waking, John remembers where he is. Shit. The infirmary again.

 

Reaching down to where yet another hole has been punched through his gut, it's not the physical pain that hurts the most, it's the pain that's been with him since he came back in time. 

 

Events from the last couple days come rushing back in flashes. After reviving Carson, Jennifer was infected with some kind of Wraith pathogen. Well, they all were, probably exposed to something from Michael's compound. She was just the first one to develop symptoms.

 

Growing out of her body, and feeding off the power grid, it expanded rapidly through the city with huge snaky vines as she began to transform into a massive Wraith ship-like creature.

 

Woolsey made one wrong call after another. He could barely even be convinced to let Carson help since he hadn't been 'officially cleared for duty.'

 

Even after Carson developed a cure, Woolsey thought firing drones into the infected part of the city a preferable alternative to trying the antidote; reasoning it would be too difficult to reach Jennifer at that point.

 

But John couldn't let Jennifer die. He'd sworn to McKay that he'd protect her.

 

To bring her the antidote, John took a Jumper without permission, crashing it into the side of the building. The whole vessel came apart around him as he smashed through the window, flying it forward as far as it could go...

 

_'Wait. Had he almost killed Jennifer?'_

 

He'd made his way through those dense, fleshy vines hanging from the ceiling and twisted over the floor... It'd been like a jungle reaching the isolation room to inject what he could into the small amount of her skin still showing.

 

But the tendrils started whipping around, attacking like angry snakes. He'd tried to get back out but one of those things went right through his middle. All the air went out of him in a wheezing gasp as he fell to his knees.

 

He thought he wasn't going to make it and used the last of his strength to point his gun at her. If the vaccine wasn't working, he was the only one left to stop the thing from growing. Woolsey firing into it would only feed it more energy. Ronon was trapped in there with him and he would've been the first to die.

 

Pointing his gun at Jennifer, he'd hesitated. Conflicted through the haze of pain, his finger stayed on the trigger. He'd promised. He'd promised to protect her. How could he kill the woman Rodney loves?

 

But he almost had. If she hadn't lost consciousness and stopped attacking him, he was about to.

 

What happened after that? He was calling for backup on his com... Ronon had been somewhere in that mess too, that mutation squeezing the life out of him...

 

Woolsey walks into the room and John is eager for news, "How's Ronon?" 

 

"He has a bruised larynx. Apparently, he won't be able to speak for several days."

 

Relieved, John quips. "I wonder if anybody will notice the difference."

 

Carson walks in with Jennifer and she appears completely normal; She smiles at him happily, "Colonel Sheppard, look who's finally out of isolation." 

 

"Oh." John wonders just how long he's been out of it; as warmly and sincerely as he can, he tells her, "It's good to see you, Doc."

 

"How you feeling?" she asks.

 

"I only hurt when I breathe." John jokes. _'Only every fucking day since I came back.'_

 

"I feel really bad." Jennifer looks guilty, "It looks like my recovery's going to be a lot easier than yours."

 

"That's all right." John gestures to Carson, "I've got two doctors looking after me now."

 

"Well, no," Carson corrects him, "I'm afraid not. I'm scheduled to leave this afternoon. That is, unless of course there's a major crisis in the next hour or so."

 

"It wouldn't surprise me." He knows Carson wants to stay in Pegasus but it looks like Woolsey the IOA are still insisting he go to get checked out on Earth.

 

"Well, listen," Carson reaches out a hand, "You keep yourself out of trouble and I'll see you real soon."

 

John clasps his hand affectionately, happy to have him back even if he won't be returning right away "Good luck, Carson." 

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

Rodney lightly strokes John's sleeping face, his hand falling to his cheek and cupping it the way John had his, that day they almost kissed in the alcove. That day John had seemed to offer him the chance to be something more than friends.

 

"I want more." Rodney whispers, "Please tell me that you do too."

 

John's long lashes flutter as if he's dreaming.

 

"What were you going to tell me?" Rodney leans forward staring at John's kissable lips, "I'm tired of waiting, wondering if on the next mission I'm going to lose you and it'll be too late."

 

Sighing, Rodney pulls back and sits down next to the gurney, folding his hand over John's as they lay limply on his chest, "Okay, I'll wait. But I want my answers when you wake up."

 

He wishes the bed was big enough for him to curl up into it with John's tall form. He's not so tall that they don't fit together perfectly, but just tall enough that when he stands above Rodney it's sexy.

 

"Rodney?" John wakes with a start.

 

Keeping his grasp on John's hands, Rodney assures him, "I'm right here, I'm not leaving."

 

"I'm glad Jennifer's okay." There is a flat, somewhat despondent tone to his voice.

 

Yeah-yeah, she's fine." Rodney moves his fingers over John's palm, "It's you I've been worried about."

 

"'M fine." John mumbles sleepily, looking down at Rodney's hand moving over his.

 

"I was so scared when you went into convulsions. After you took the antidote you flat lined there for a while, you know? Carson had to revive you. But I knew you weren't going to die." Rodney inhales sharply, "I kept reminding myself that you always come back, that, and, uh, you promised you'd never leave me."

 

Threading his fingers through John's, Rodney squeezes their hands together, "I kept telling myself, you'd come back. That's what you do, you know? You leave and then you come back."

 

"I do?" John looks up at him, appearing almost vulnerable.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

To come back... it's what he told McKay he'd do someday. John hopes to have that chance again, after keeping his other promises. Maybe one day he'll get to.

 

"Sort of. You come back but you... you still keep yourself away." Licking his lips Rodney blinks in confusion, "You told me once that you didn't want to hold back anymore... And sometimes I get the feeling that you're about to stop, stop holding back so much with me, and I... I don't know. I just know you said you'd never leave me and I'm going to hold you to that promise."

 

 _'Too many promises to keep.'_  John winces his eyes shut and painfully grips into Rodney's hand, ""Rodney, There's so much I wish I could tell you but I can't, I'm sorry I can't."

  

When John opens his eyes the smile is gone from Rodney's face, "You can't? Or won't?"

 

"I'm trying to protect you." Even if Rodney easily sees through it, John needs to find his mask of good humor and steer this conversation away with his usual banter.

 

But Rodney keeps trying to get him to open up by doing things like holding his hand, nudging past John's stilted smiles and superficial small talk. It aches to feel the warmth of his skin. 

 

"From what?!" Rodney demands.

 

"I can't explain now, but please trust me." 

 

"Then, you have something to explain too me at some point?" 

 

John presses his lips together. He's said too much, that knowledge has to stay locked away inside his mind. He can never be what Rodney needs and shouldn't let himself think that's going to change. Too many times when Rodney's visiting him, he's almost given in and confessed everything. 

 

At least when he wasn't trapped in this hospital bed, he could distract himself from this heartache. Heartache of a future he's promised to protect for the man he loves. He'll protect McKay's wishes, he'll do anything for Rodney. Even if it means breaking himself apart to do it.

 

And he _is_ slowly breaking apart. These weeks spent in the medical lab have been soul-crushing. With Rodney visiting every day, trying to get him to 'stop holding back', there have been too many moments where he's had to repress the urge to admit how much he loves him. Too many times he's almost interfered with the timeline.

 

"Well?" Rodney lifts his brows expectantly at John's silence.

 

"I, I..." If Rodney keeps pressing him the whole truth is going to come spilling out and ruin everything; John's chest hurts keeping it in, "I was hoping in time, maybe..."

 

There is a sound of someone approaching and Rodney fumbles to hide the fact that he's been holding John's hand.

 

Jennifer steps into the room to change the IV; She doesn't seem to think anything of Rodney's nervous demeanor. 

 

But John notices the way Rodney changes when she's nearby. He might not have the confidence to pursue it yet, but he can tell Rodney feels something for her already.

 

"Rodney, I can't believe you're still here." Jennifer's eyes sparkle the way the always do when she looks at him.

 

He hates the way she looks at him, her feelings are obvious; the way she sees him, even if she doesn't know him as well as John, she reads him in a way others don't. It's different than it was with Katie. Jennifer isn't just a sweet empty-headed girl. She has the intelligence, humor, and emotional complexity to understand him.

 

Her presence makes it impossible for John to forget who she is to Rodney; even if _he_ doesn't know yet. He'll fall in love with her, she's the one who can make him happy. 

 

"Yeah." Rodney shrugs, "Well, I left for a bit but ran out of things to do at the lab..." 

 

"Since when do you run out of things to do at the lab?" Jennifer teases.

 

"Maybe you're right." Rodney flushes, "Uh, John, if you need anything else, just um," he stumbles into the chair as he tries to exit, "just um, call me on the com. I'll be up for a while so if there's anything you need, you know, like what we were talking about earlier..." 

 

He brushes against Jennifer on his way out and swallows at her with big eyes, "Sorry, I didn't mean to-"

 

"-It's okay. No damage done." She quivers a shy smile at him.

 

"Okay." He squeeks, "Um, night."

 

"Night." Jennifer tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear; when she turns back to John, a secretive smile is fading from her face, replaced with a more professional demeanor, "So, I just wanted to give you something for the pain and help make it easier for you to sleep."

 

"Super." John frowns.

 

"Believe me, I know how much you hate being in here, Colonel." Jennifer sighs, "I feel responsible for everything-"

 

"Not your fault." John's jaw clenches to keep his expression impassive.

 

Leaning back, he folds one hand under the thin pillow, watching the drip, drip, drip of the liquid in the plastic tube. Slipping away like Rodney, where John will lose him forever. 

 

Jennifer looks repentant as she checks his vitals, "Still, I keep thinking there's something I could've done to stop this all from happening. If I'd just said something about my symptoms sooner, maybe things would have gone differently."  

 

John feels himself going numb from the drug, "Different... What could be different..." But there is still that small hope he nurses that this reality could be different. 

 

"Well, you not getting hurt for one." Jennifer's voice seems floaty and far away.

 

Looking up at her, she really is beautiful. But if it could be different... If for some reason it doesn't work out with them...

 

He knows he's not... in too many ways he's not enough. Rodney deserves, well, a lot better than John. But even though he can't offer what Jennifer can, he would have tried his best to give him everything he deserves. Obviously not the marriage or kids part...

 

But John would have given everything of himself to make Rodney happy. He supposes that's what he's trying to do now.

 

His lids slide drowsily into darkness. Maybe somehow, someway, he'll find that crack of time to be with him once more... a place in time where Rodney might come to care for him again...

 

He'll wait and see if things could be different. If they could only be different... 

 

.

.

 

Recovered and back on active duty, John has been sitting in the cafeteria mulling over the facts for hours. The problem is there haven't been enough of them to come up with a way to rescue Ronon. Not with his subcutaneous transmitter disabled.

 

They have next to nothing to go on, other than Teyla recognizing his abductor. Tyre. One of Ronon's fellow Satedan soldiers who they'd all assumed was dead.

 

The only planet that's turned up any intel so far was the one where they'd met a drunk Satedan who claimed to know of Tyre. He said he'd shoot him on sight for being a Wraith-worshipper if he knew where to find him. 

 

John begged the guy to tell them first if he heard anything more. If they have any chance of rescuing Ronon, they need to capture Tyre alive.

 

"Hey." Rodney's voice calls out to him from across the room. "You're up early."

 

"It's 10am." John frowns.

 

"It is?" Rodney looks at his watch as he pulls up a chair, "Oh, God, I didn't sleep at all. I was up all night thinking about this Ronon situation."

 

Hopeful, John asks, "You got anything?"

 

"Nothing. I tried everything, pacing, snacks, bathing."

 

"Bathing." John sneers, he'd forgotten that Rodney has started to upgrade the features in his quarters with a huge bed and luxury tub.

 

"Yeah." Rodney sighs, "Like Archimedes."

 

"You mean that Greek scientist who had a crush on Teyla?" he puzzles.

 

"No, like the Greek mathematician who came up with the Archimedes Principle, the physical laws of buoyancy. According to legend, the idea came to him when he was sitting in the bath, so… Look, the point is that the revelation occurred while he was, you know, relaxing, not thinking about the problem. The solution as it turns out, was right in front of him all along."

 

"You think we've overlooked something?" John wonders how often Rodney uses bathing as a problem-solving technique.

 

"I don't know. Maybe. Look, all I know is I was up all night going over it and I'm drawing a blank, so I could use a fresh perspective."

 

"I'm not taking a bath with you." John jokes but he can't help but imagine Rodney naked.  _'Mmm. Things he could do with Rodney in a tub.'_

 

Unruffled by the teasing Rodney continues, "Let's just go over what we know."

 

Part of his mind still drifting over thoughts of Rodney bathing, John recites the facts as they speculate about the futility of narrowing down statistical probabilities of where Ronon might have been taken. 

 

Yeah. They've got nothing. John needs another way to get Ronon back. If he can manage that, maybe he'll allow himself a fantasy about Rodney in that tub later.

 

Unbidden, his mind flashes to the image of their last night in the shower. So long ago, holding Rodney tight as he moved inside him with slow, deliberate passion. They'd felt so close... at least it seemed that way to him then.

 

He'd never experienced anything like that, never had someone compel him so completely. And that was before he even knew how amazing Rodney actually was. Their last night together, lustful and tender, it left John wanting with so much more he wanted to express. He'd thought he had the courage to try...

 

If only he'd reached out for Rodney when he was in pain instead of pulling away out of fear. It's too late to wish things were different now, whatever was between them in the past is gone. He's lucky enough to still have his friendship. 

 

Rodney, Ronon, Teyla... The three of them are the closest thing he's ever had to family. Right now Ronon is in danger and it's killing him that he's helpless to do anything about it. Other than dialing planets at random, that is.

  

Lorne interrupts John's thoughts and suddenly announces they have a lead. Ronon may be on a planet called Sarif Sur.

 

"Thank you Archimedes" Rodney chirps happily.

 

.

.

 

On Sarif Sur they find Ronon's old comrade, Tyre, alone and near death. Retrieving him, he barely survives a grueling withdrawal from the Wraith enzyme in his system. 

 

When Tyre is lucid, he seems to understand the implications of what he's done. A remorseful and broken man explains to John how the Wraith drain and restore life from their victims to break them physically and induce a level of euphoria impossible to resist. This is how they turned the captured Satedans into slaves and Wraith worshippers. At least the ones that survived the process.

 

He's sure that's what the Wraith are doing to Ronon now, and it's all his fault for helping them capture him. He begs John to let him make it right.

 

Woolsey is less than enthusiastic about attempting a rescue mission but John's gut tells him this isn't a trap, that Tyre is a man desperate to save the lost friend he betrayed.

 

"And how can you be so certain of that, Colonel?" Woolsey questions.

 

"Because I've been there." Something about the look in Tyre's eyes reminded John of how desperate he's been to save members of his own team in the past, how desperate he is to save Ronon now.

 

"Now, we have a chance to get Ronon, and I'm gonna take it, and you're going to need to trust me on this." John's going after him whether Woolsey likes it or not. 

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 5, before/ during/ after episode 2 "The Seed" & during episode 3 "Broken Ties"  
> .


	5. He'll always love his repressed soldier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney obsesses about what happened between them before John disappeared and struggles with his unrequited feelings for him._  
> .

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The battle getting Ronon back from the Wraith was hard enough. Getting his mind and body back is going to be worse.

 

In the isolation room above, John narrows his eyes, watching Ronon struggle against the restraints binding him to the gurney.

 

_'If they'd only found him sooner.'_

 

Jennifer is talking with Woolsey again about her prognosis and when she expects Ronon to recover.

 

_'She'd said when...not if.'_

 

Tyre almost died going through his withdrawal; he would have if they hadn't found him. But Jennifer said she thinks she can use the same cocktail of drugs to  keep Ronon's vitals stable enough to survive.

 

_'Impossible to predict._ ' But she'd said that too.

 

It would have taken a lot to break Ronon like this; to bring him to the point of swearing vengeance against them all and promising to destroy Atlantis. Ronon had so much of the Wraith enzyme running through him when they got him, his body could barely process it. 

 

_"When it eventually does, that's when he'll come down, and he'll come down hard."_ Jennifer explained.

 

John wonders just how bad it's going to get. Even if Ronon thinks he's the enemy right now, he has to talk to him.

 

Stepping into the room, Ronon's sunken, red eyes gleam back at John with a crazed look.

 

"Hey buddy." The way Ronon says it, it's obvious he'd still try to kill John if he wasn't restrained.

 

"Buddy." John replies sadly.

 

"So, how long you planning on keeping me prisoner?" Ronon cranes his neck to look up at the observation window where the others are watching. 

 

"As long as it takes to clear your head." Ronon has never left John's side and he won't leave his; John needs to be here with him when... -not if, he comes out of this.   

 

Ronon insists his head is clear; John tries to explain what's happening to him and promises to see him through this.

 

"Whatever you've got planned, it's not gonna work. You've got a choice. You either kill me or let me go" Ronon shifts his eyes, "And if you let me go, I promise I won't come after you or Atlantis... You can tell Tyre I won't come after him either."

 

"Tyre's dead. He sacrificed himself taking out the Wraith lab." 

 

Unaffected, Ronon dismisses him, "Yeah, well he was a traitor."

 

"No, he was a good friend." In the end, Tyre was the only reason they were able to get Ronon back alive, "We all are. You're gonna realize that pretty soon." John says it to convince himself more than Ronon. 

 

"Yeah, well. You just kill me or set me free." Ronon jerks against his restraints in desperation as he sees John heading for the door, "Sheppard! You kill me or set me free!"

 

John pauses at the door with a grimace, he has to get some things if he's going to spend the night watching over him.

 

"Sheppard!!" 

 

Returning prepared, John talks to Jennifer about Ronon's medications and what he's going to need to get through the night.

 

But she couldn't really prepare him for the hell Ronon descends into as he starts to deteriorate. John spends the long and anguished hours tending to him until early morning when Teyla comes to take his place. He tells Ronon he won't be alone long and goes to meet Teyla back up in the observation room.

 

She shakes her head, mournfully looking down, "Is this what he's been like all night?"

 

"Kill me please!!" Ronon screams himself hoarse, "Please kill me! NO!!"

 

"Actually," John leans onto the bars with exhaustion, "He's calmer now that he's tired himself out a bit. Jennifer had to, had to help with a seizure in the middle of the night. And she said it's gonna get worse."

 

"He will get better." Teyla answers in quiet resolve, "Get some sleep, John, I'll look after him."

 

After a short nap, John returns to his side. He takes longer shifts than the rest of them. As the enzyme levels lower, Ronon's suffering and madness intensify. Strapped by his waist and hands, he writhes and slams his torso up and down against the bed, howling in pain.

 

Talking him through it, John hopes some of his words reach Ronon's fractured mind. When he has the capacity to respond, he rages and froths, vowing to kill John or begging him to do the same and end his agony.

 

As the days go by, the seizures lessen in intensity but he seems far beyond where any words can reach him. Never quite able to rest, there are times when he's barely conscious, his whole body trembling violently. At least then it's easier to administer the medicines and treatments Jennifer's prescribed. 

 

Just as John is getting ready for another of his all night shifts, he gets a call from Rodney over the coms, saying Ronon actually passed out for a while, and when he woke, he was asking for John and saying he was hungry. 

 

Rushing down, John grabs a few MRE's on the way and bursts into the isolation room.

 

Ronon's out of his restraints and Jennifer is placing a blood sample next to the table by his IV drip.

 

"Hey... Buddy." John slows his step as he approaches.

 

"Buddy." Ronon leans up wearily, "You got something for me eat there?"

 

"Nothing good. Just grabbed some of these." John wags the silver ration packs at him.

 

"Careful not to eat too much," Jennifer warns, "Your system is still recovering. I'm just going to run analysis on these blood samples to see how much of the enzyme is still in your system." She gives Ronon a tender look on the way out.

 

"Thanks." Ronon takes the packs John hands him, "For everything. Oh and uh, for not killing me when I asked you to."

 

"Yeah," John quirks a smile of relief as he sits down, "I might have thought about giving you a smack or two.

 

"Guess you could say I deserved it." The sunken look about Ronon's face gives his expression a darker cast, "Sorry about taking you down like that."

 

"Yeah." John squints, "You didn't really hold back on that punch at all."

 

Ronon stares hollow, his eyes fixed on nothing. "And I killed Tyre."

 

"No." John sighs, "You hurt him, but he chose to stay behind to detonate those charges. It was the only way to get us out, he knew that and I think he felt it was his way to redeem himself."

 

"I didn't realize what they'd done to him. I wish I could tell him..." Ronon shakes his head heavily, "It's my fault-"

 

"Hey," John interrupts, "you don't have to take responsibility for everything. At least, I seem to remember you telling me something like that not too long ago."

 

"Since when do you listen to anything I say?" Ronon grumbles wearily.

 

"I listen sometimes." John makes a face. 

 

"Oh yeah? How things going with McKay?"

 

"I told you, I'm-" John shoots a startled glance to the observation room above; it's empty and they aren't talking loud enough for anyone to overhear.

 

He lowers his voice anyway, "Look, I'm not interfering with the plan he worked on for 25 years. It's not about what I want, it's what Rodney wants-"

 

"Whatever." Ronon tries to move on his bed and winces with the effort, "Uh, I feel like shit. Just seems like an excuse not to take the chance."   

 

"It's not..." John pauses, "If I really thought-"

 

"You always have a reason why it can't work but it sounded like he wanted the same thing before you left. It's been too long with you sitting back and pining over him."

 

"I'm not-" John bunches his lips together in frustration, "You know what? Tell me when you and Jennifer are dating, then I'll start listening to what you have to say."

 

"We ARE!" Ronon growls back at him, "We hang out all the time. It's obvious how we feel about each other. " 

 

"Is it?" John lifts a brow.

 

"Totally." Ronon looks at John like he's stupid, "Way before all this happened. But since I've been in here you should see how she's been with me. She pets my head and kisses it when..."

 

Ronon grins, "Never mind... it's a... what do you guys call the kind of romance where you take the time to... like, take it slow and have a deep connection first?"

 

"I dunno, guess however you just said it. Well, I'm happy for you then." he looks down at the cold lines on the floor, boxing themselves in, "Maybe if I can be sure I'm not interfering with the timeline, then maybe it'll be different for us too." 

 

"Maybe?" Ronon coughs and lets himself sink back flat onto the gurney, "Can't imagine what it would take for you to be sure."

 

John bites into his lip wondering what it _would_ take for him to be sure he wasn't being selfish or getting in the way of Rodney's chances for happiness. He can't forget everything the future McKay told him about his life with Jennifer, or everything Rodney's told him about wanting a normal married life with a wife and kids.

 

And he _really_ can't forget that Rodney specifically said he doesn't want to be with men anymore because of how painful his past relationships with them have been. Probably in no small part due to John himself. His head is starting to hurt thinking of all the ways he's fucked things up between them. He doesn't deserve him, he never did.

 

Reality is too painful and John changes the subject, "So, about that sucker punch... I was thinking maybe tomorrow might be a good day for me to take my revenge. I mean, you look pretty much recovered and ready to spar."

 

"Right," Ronon blinks at him, tired but amused, "then you might actually stand a chance of winning."

 

John stands, "Look, I can see you need rest but I have something I've been waiting to give you. Something Tyre wanted you to have."

 

"Sure." Ronon's gaunt face looks haunted by guilt and grief at the mention of his friend but John hopes this might help with some of that.

 

"I'll be right back" 

 

His task is interrupted when Woolsey insists on calling a late night meeting with all the senior staff to discuss Ronon's condition. Like the blood results couldn't wait until morning. If Woolsey just talked to Ronon he could see plainly enough for himself. 

 

John tries not to let his irritation show as Woolsey questions Jennifer. She reassures him that Ronon's bloodwork is returning to normal and there's no need to be worried about the brainwashing being permanent.

 

Imagining Woolsey staying up to write yet another report before he goes to bed, John finally heads back to his quarters to collect Tyre's sword.

 

Still awake when John returns, Ronon takes the offering, grave and wordless; he once risked his life to save Tyre long ago, and now Tyre has given his own in return.

 

John knows they were close, soldiers in combat for many years before Sateda was destroyed and Tyre taken captive by the Wraith. And he knows that kind of bond means something; how much it hurt Ronon to be betrayed, and now understanding why, the importance of having something to remember his lost friend by.

 

It's not a feeling easily expressed with words but John knows it well enough himself to recognize it on Ronon's face.

 

He nods in silent understanding and leaves him to get some much needed rest.

 

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* * *

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After drinking some coffee at their late night staff meeting about Ronon, Rodney takes a bath to unwind. But even in the sudsy water his mind is jittery, spinning out in too many directions at once. And too many of those threads lead back to John. He forces himself to stay with the thought trails that lead him back to some of his favorite after hours research projects.

 

A sudden stroke of brilliance hits him. Maybe it could just be the combination of caffeine exhaustion over the last days spent with Ronon, but he might be onto something. Pulling a tablet into the tub with him, Rodney is careful not to get it wet as he begins adding new calculations. Woolsey is so short-sighted, he just doesn't understand why some of Rodney's personal projects are worth dedicating the time and effort to pursue, at least officially. 

 

Leaving the bath more relaxed, Rodney is still wide awake as he stretches out across his big, luxurious bed in the darkness. The bed he'd hoped to lure John into.

 

He can't help but wish John was here now, curled up with him, feeling the way their bodies fit together in that perfect way they do. He imagines raking his fingers through John's hair, pulling him in... kissing him. 

 

_'Fuck. He can't stop obsessing over that kiss that almost happened.'_

 

John promised an hour. An hour and he'd meet Rodney back in his room to finish what they started. Rodney paced there for over two before heading back to the control room to see what was taking so long.

 

That's when he'd realized John wasn't still on the planet. He wasn't anywhere. He was just... gone. Like he stepped through the Gate and dematerialized into nothing, even though it wasn't possible.

 

Rodney combed through data for weeks, desperate, barely sleeping... and so terrified that he'd really lost John this time.

 

Then as suddenly as he'd disappeared, John was back. Rodney had his explanation for why the wormhole malfunctioned. But he never got one for why John almost kissed him, or why the intimacy growing between them disappeared as well, like none of it ever happened.

 

But it _did_ almost happen.

 

They'd been so close. So infuriatingly close, that Rodney can't possibly rationalize it away. And it infuriates him that John is acting like it means nothing. Like all of the stuff that's been going on between them for years isn't real. 

 

He gets chills thinking back to the way John made him feel that day. Like he wanted him, longed for him, maybe even... Rodney sighs and tosses to the other side of his spacious bed. 

 

The way John said his name... He'd never looked at Rodney that way before, never with so much emotion. The expression on his face so tender and open, his eyes shining like... Like Rodney could almost hope he felt the same way. Maybe not love, but almost something like it.

 

The effect left him shaky and weak, barely able to stand as John possessively pulled him from the lab and led him to that private alcove.

 

Okay-okay- so John doesn't love him back. But it was obvious he at least wanted him. And Rodney had been waiting so long for John to want him again. After how close they'd been getting, how could this all just evaporate into nothing?

 

In that moment Rodney hoped for everything. Everything he'd told himself so many times not to be stupid and imagine. But in his heart it felt so real when John pressed him into that wall, softly whispering his name, trailing his lips across Rodney's neck.

 

Blood rushed to his face, pulse racing impossibly fast. He can still feel John's chest warm against him, his breath on his neck. Rodney moans quietly like he did that day he let himself hope.

 

John's lips had moved up his neck, pressed lightly into his cheek as he whispered, "Rodney… I have to talk to you… I've needed to tell you for some time…"

 

It seemed like John really felt something for him too; he'd even heard his breath hitch.

 

Afraid to break the spell, he simply murmured, "John…"

 

And that's when John cupped his face, staring at Rodney with such plain desire there was no mistaking it. The way he'd said it: "Oh God, Rodney.'"It was like John was lost in it, lost in wanting him, needing him. 

 

_'Please-please-please let this be real.'_  It was all Rodney could think. He's been in love with John for so long, wishing for the chance to be with him again.

 

He'd been confused when John started talking about Carson, "I, uh… Well, now that Carson's back…" But then he went on to say, "Well, if I'm not your best friend anymore, maybe… Maybe I could be something else?" 

 

_'Oh, God, yes. Please. Something more than friendship.'_ Rodney could barely catch his breath, wide-eyed and trembling, "Yeah. Okay."

 

Tenderly holding his face, John looked to Rodney's waiting mouth, leaning down. Those pouty lips had just started to brush against his when that Goddamn loud fucking intercom startled John back.

 

"COLONEL SHEPPARD, PLEASE REPORT TO THE GATE ROOM."

 

_'Oh, no. No-no-no. Not now!'_  But it was like John could see his fear and knew exactly how to reassure him.

 

He lovingly stroked the side of Rodney's face. "I forgot I'm supposed to be checking this lead on Teyla. It might be nothing, but if I miss the meet, we'll never know. It won't take long, I promise I'll be gone an hour, 2 tops. And when I get back," John licked his lips like he was mentally undressing him, "I promise, we're going to talk."

 

It wasn't so much the words, but the way John said them. There was no mask, nothing hidden; all the raw emotions radiating out. And Rodney knew, at least he thought he knew, it was really going to be okay. This time John was right there with him too.

 

Limbs gone all rubbery, he'd leaned back onto the wall wanting more, more words to erase any lingering uncertainty, "Talk?"

 

"Maybe _more_ than talk?" John's eyes promised everything he needed to know and his smile...

 

God. That smile was dangerous and sexy. It promised everything; that Rodney only had to wait a little longer before John would be his. They'd be having the kind of sex that... Well, Rodney didn't know what kind of sex exactly. But he knew it was going to be better than anything they'd ever done before.

 

He'd let himself believe it all. Flushed with excitement imagining what it would be like, he nodded eagerly with the shock that John was going to give him everything he'd been wanting all these years. Not just the sex, but his heart.

 

And then that damn intercom blared again, "COLONEL SHEPPARD, REPORT TO THE GATE ROOM."

 

"I'm..." John looked almost pained, "I'm gonna miss the rendezvous if I don't go now. But I'm going to be in your quarters in about an hour, okay?"

 

Rodney just kept nodding, even after John was gone. Too intoxicated with happiness, it took a few minutes to sink in that this wasn't a dream or fantasy. This was really happening between them. It was going to happen. 

 

Coming up with an excuse not to return to the lab for the rest of the day, he'd raced to his quarters to shower and prepare everything he could possibly think of. There was still too much time to fill. He couldn't stand the waiting but he had... He'd waited and waited. But John never came back for him.

 

Even when he finally returned, something had changed -no, everything changed. It wasn't the same John that left him in that alcove. 

 

Or maybe it was. Maybe the John that almost kissed him that day was the real stranger. A figment, a fleeting shadow from an alternate universe he'll never see again.

 

It doesn't matter that Rodney's repressed soldier can never return his feelings, he's hopelessly in love with him. Even if John won't ever be his, Rodney's heart will always belong to him. 

 

_'Rodney… I have to talk to you… I've needed to tell you for some time…'_

 

Before the fleeting glimpse vanished forever, what would that John have told him? 

 

Stroking himself hard, Rodney fantasizes about what it was. About what he's always wanted it to be like between them. 

 

He dreams of telling John how much he loves him, no longer having to deny the truth of what he feels; a truth that's never faded, no matter how much Rodney's tried to hide it away. 

 

He doesn't have to in his fantasy. In his fantasy, John loves him too. 

 

Yeah. It's his fantasy so John loves him.

 

John comes back for him the way he promised. He's confessing his undying love for him.

 

He comes back to Rodney's room and fucks him the way he used to.

 

No wait, not like that, different...

 

It's close and tender, like how John was with him in the alcove before he left.

 

Imagining what their first kiss would be like, Rodney strokes harder, faster. There's no holding back, John shows him everything that is in his heart. He opens his fortress and lets him in completely. At last, Rodney is home.  

 

Oh God... John loves him so much he can't fucking live without him… he has to have Rodney... he can't bear being apart anymore.

 

Fuck. Yes... John is taking him so deep now. Rodney gasps as he pumps into his hand for release.

 

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* * *

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Content with the knowledge that Ronon is going to be okay, John is in bed letting himself indulge in his new bathtub fantasy about Rodney.  

 

He can't get the images of him in that tub out of his mind... And the things they are doing together...

 

_'Rodney.'_

 

Eyes half closed, he strokes his cock imagining what it would be like finally telling Rodney how much he loves him.

 

Because Rodney loves him back. It's his fantasy, and in his fantasy Rodney loves him, not Jennifer. 

 

Rodney shudders in pleasure hearing John say it, just the way his duplicate did when Shep told him.

 

He whispers the words back to John. He's been wanting this just as long, missed him just as much. 

 

God, John's missed him, to feel him again and touch him like this... 

 

He pulls Rodney from the tub and pins him playfully to the bed. Rodney needs him, needs him the same way.

 

As their bodies wind around each other, John gently opens him and pushes inside. Holding him close, so close he won't ever lose him again, he'll never let go. 

 

The look on Rodney's face is wide-eyed and overwhelmed. John kisses away his fluster as he moves inside him passionately, purposefully. 

 

With every thrust, the emotion bursts through his chest, giving Rodney everything in his heart. It's not just sex, he's making Rodney feel how much he loves him, how much he's always loved him.

 

Sighing into each other's mouths, Rodney pants in pleasure under him and moans John's name, pulling him into another kiss. 

 

He surrenders to John completely, telling him over and over how much he loves him, that it's only ever been him. Only him. 

 

Yeah, he's never wanted anyone but John and they'll never be apart again...

 

Rodney is his. Completely his.

 

The heat quickens and he can't hold back anymore.

 

Gushing into his hand, John cums, "Rodney... oh God. ...God!"

 

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Ever since the incident, Rodney won't stop complaining about how Teyla won't trust him with her baby, saying she's been 'hiding' him by always having an excuse to keep Rodney away. It's just too funny hearing him rationalize that he didn't really 'drop' the infant but that Torren actually 'jumped' out of his arms. 

 

John hasn't been able to resist teasing and asking Rodney to explain the physics involved to prove it. To which, Rodney usually goes on at length to describe the mathematics of Torren's mass, weight, and how a well timed kick could create a tipping point.

 

As they make their way to the control room Rodney is at it again. Only this time he's admitting it wasn't so much of a 'jump' as 'wiggling' out of his arms.

 

"Look I said I was sorry." Rodney fusses, "Besides how much damage could I have possibly done? He fell, like, maybe two feet. Stuff like that happens all the time. I mean, I was dropped, like a dozen times when I was a kid."

 

"Well that explains a lot." John quips.

 

It's thoroughly amusing how insistent Rodney is that everyone believe his version of events. Maybe his ego just can't handle the idea of not being great at everything. But honestly, he's never been much good with kids. Up until he became so dead set on this idea of settling down and having a family, he barely seemed to tolerate them.

 

"Why do you even care?" John can't help himself from reminding him, "You don't even like kids." 

 

"It's the principle of the thing!" Rodney gestures in frustration, "Everyone else gets to hold him, why shouldn't I?"

 

John's lip curls in a slight smile that Rodney doesn't dispute his known distaste for dealing with children. It's actually been a little while since he's said anything about wanting kids of his own... Who knows, maybe he's starting to change his mind.

 

"Colonel," a voice from one of the technicians interrupts Rodney's complaining,"we've got a new contact. Looks like a ship."

 

Seeing it in orbit on the screen, John wonders why they didn't detect it earlier. 

 

"I don't know." the tech answers, "We didn't even detect a hyperspace window. It just appeared out of nowhere." 

 

"Hang on a second," Rodney pipes up from a nearby console, "We're getting IFF..." He looks up to John in confusion, "It's the Daedalus."

 

But it can't be. Last they heard Daedalus was weeks away, heading back to Earth.

 

When there is no response to their hails, Rodney explains. No one is aboard the vessel. No one alive anyway since no life signs are registering. Stranger still, SGC confirms that the Daedalus is in fact in the Milky Way, on course and on schedule.

 

As John takes the team in for closer look on a Jumper, the exterior of the abandoned ship looks like it's been through a few battles too many. Everything looks dead, except for a strange energy reading Rodney is picking up.

 

Gaining access and entering the hanger bay, all the F-302's are missing. Just one lone Puddlejumper remains.  

 

The interior is cold and creepy. The ship is operating on emergency power with most of its systems depleted. But there is still that strange energy reading coming from an interior lab.

 

As they make their way cautiously in, the dark setting reminds John of one of those bad horror flicks from the 80's where something is about to go terribly wrong.

 

Sending Rodney and Ronon to check out the systems, he heads to the bridge with Teyla. It's eerily quiet and empty.

 

The lights suddenly come on.

 

"McKay is that you?" John speaks into his com suspiciously.

 

"Of course it was me. Who else would it be?" Comes the snarky reply. 

 

_'Just whatever creepy thing is waiting for us'_ John shakes his head at himself.

 

"You think we've got a ghost on board or something?" Rodney taunts; then there is a sound of loud clatter on the other end and Rodney's voice goes shrill with a startled panic as he sputters at Ronon, "Will you please not touch anything?!"

 

John smirks and tells him to finish restoring basic power and then go check out the source of that energy reading. He and Teyla watch the last video log entry on the bridge. It's the Daedalus alright, but the captain is someone he's never seen before. She and her crew abandoned ship for a planet that they thought seemed survivable.

 

Why? That's what John wants to know.

 

Rodney calls him on the com again. "Something's happening."

 

_'Perfect line for when everything starts to go wrong in a horror movie.'_  

 

He says those weird energy readings are spiking; okay, "Do something. Turn it off." John instructs.

 

"I don't know how." Rodney's voice has a sharp edge, "Look, it's not coming from any of the main systems."

 

Major Lorne radios from the control room in Atlantis, saying they are picking up an energy surge and want to know if they should send another Jumper to assist.

 

"Stand by" John doesn't want anyone else coming aboard, not until they-

 

The ship rumbles and shakes; John's gut feeling about this place kicks in, "All right, that's our cue to leave. Everyone back in the Jumper."

 

Just a few seconds later a blinding light makes him bend his arm over his eyes. When the flash disappears, the shaking has stopped. Rodney says everything has gone back to the way it was. 

 

Everything except Atlantis is no longer on the planet below.

 

They find their answers on deck 9. An experimental drive taking them not through space, but to a parallel universe.

 

And bodies. The four of them, John Teyla, Ronon, and Rodney from another reality. Probably came in on that Jumper they saw in the hanger. The cold has preserved them and John wonders just how long it's been since this ghost ship set sail.

  

The tablet they find on the alternate McKay's body shows he spent considerable time trying to fix the drive. Rodney starts to panic.

 

"Mystery solved," John keeps his tone firm and calm, "let's move on." 

 

"No, don't you realize what this means?" Rodney flounders. "They were _us_  and they failed!"

 

However creepy this all is, at least he knows what their up against now, "Well, they're not us." John stays outwardly unflappable for the team, "We're still alive. Let's go." 

 

Powering up the systems in the nearby control center, Rodney checks out the alternate reality drive. Given that the thing clearly didn't work the way it was supposed to, John manages not to roll his eyes when Rodney compliments himself for being the genius who created it.

 

"I'm sure that's what the crew was saying when they abandoned ship." He quips.

 

"Well, admittedly there are problems, but it is still a monumental achievement." Rodney gloats.

 

Whatever, they just need to get this thing back into reverse or something. 

 

Rodney chafes at John's simplistic suggestion but admits that not only is the navigation not working, there is another problem. The drive is actually pulling energy directly from subspace. 

 

Thinking back to their monumental failures trying to do this without the build up of exotic particles, John would've thought even a Rodney from a parallel reality would have known better... after blowing up a solar system and then nearly destroying their entire universe when he and his sister tried to build that energy 'bridge'.

 

Great, so the drive is stuck, skipping randomly. And with an unlimited power source, it automatically recharges, building up until it fires again to take the ship to the next reality. And there seems to be no way to stop it.

 

 

_'Pure genius,'_  "That seems like a pretty serious design flaw, don't you think?" John hopes Rodney can make more progress with the thing than his alternate self did.

 

"Exactly, which leads me to believe they were tampering with it in a vain attempt to generate more power. As they got further and further away from their own reality, I guess they figured they'd need it to get back." Then the console beeps and Rodney warns him that the drive is fully charged.

 

The ship rumbles and a searing white blinds them again.

 

This time Atlantis is back on the surface of the planet but they are being attacked by an alien ship unlike anything they've seen. The city shields below are failing.

 

Figuring their chances are better fighting with Atlantis, John instructs Rodney to use what's left of their Asgard beam to take out main weapons on the alien ship. He and Ronon use the rail guns to deflect the fleet of small fighters it launches at them. But they are sitting ducks and the attack is taking too much of a toll. 

 

Rodney says he can change the drive protocols and speed up the timing of the jumps, "But if I do this, I can't undo it. I mean, we'll just start jumping faster and faster!"

 

They've already had one hull breach, John squints against the smoking sparks on the bridge "Do it." 

 

Their escape leads them to a red haze just outside the view screen. They are nearly immersed in the coronasphere of a sun. At first it doesn't make sense. The engines are off-line and the dimensional drive isn't supposed to move their position in relative space.

 

But Rodney recalls that when John was thrown into the future, the Eidolon sun was an expanding red giant. He speculates that the ship hasn't actually moved in space, but rather in this reality, the sun expanded sooner than it would have in theirs.

 

John feels like he's back there with the scorch and heat of that sun, stranded on that barren desert. 

 

Like he has skipped back to the day when he was going to confess to Rodney that he was the love of his life. When he'd been deluded enough to imagine   Rodney could have come to feel the same way.

 

The heat on the bridge swells just like that day he was walking through those hot hallways. A path that was supposed to lead back home to Rodney... before everything went empty. 

 

Now the knowledge of the future is seared through, like a burn that won't heal, indelibly marking the truth that Jennifer is the one Rodney loves. It was never him. And Rodney was never his. But he can't get over the pain of that feeling, that day he lost him.

 

He hates that fucking sun.

 

They try to scrape together enough power to bolster the shields, enough to ride it out until the next jump.

 

And then something else bad happens. But it jolts John out of his searing emotion. Shooting and fighting for your life is good for that. There are weird aliens that look like bio-men attacking. Must have come through one of those hull breaches.

 

_'Of course there would be creepy aliens if this was a horror movie.'_

 

He and Ronon fight them off but can't get the last of them. When Rodney announces over the coms that they're about to jump, they use the flash of light for cover and finish them off.

 

This time they are sitting in the quiet debris field of a planet destroyed millions of years ago. It would feel more peaceful if Rodney hadn't just warned them that the drive is overtaxed. They only have a handful of jumps left. If they haven't found their way back by then, they'll be stranded forever.

 

But Rodney comes up with something. He always does. John listens as he explains in his longwinded way how it was a mistake to focus his efforts on the navigation.

 

"So what then?" Ronon asks impatiently.

 

"So, in a spectacular feat of multi-dimensional mathematics, I have discovered a  way to send the ship back along the path it's previously traveled, bypassing the navigation system altogether."

 

"Wait a minute." John makes a face, "You're talking about putting this thing in reverse?"

 

"Exactly." Rodney snaps his fingers gleefully.

 

"I just suggested that two hours ago." John gestures in frustration.

 

"And naturally I dismissed it out of hand," Rodney agrees, "but then I realized that including the original designer, not one, but two versions of myself have failed to make this thing work. I had to think not like me. In fact, I had to think like the opposite of me," he gestures a bit dismissively to John, "and it doesn't get much more opposite than you."

 

"I'll take that as a compliment." John narrows his eyes.

 

But there's a slight hitch. They barely got out of those other realities alive. They use the maneuvering thrusters to burn a trajectory far enough to establish a higher, more stable orbit around the sun; then they repair the sublight engines enough to try to outrun the alien ship that's likely still ready to attack them.

 

When they flash away from the red haze of the sun this time, John heaves a heavy sigh of relief. He never wants to see that sun again. Somehow it feels worse than those alien fighter ships gaining on them now. Their sublight engines have them limping at a pitiful pace. And then they go out completely.

 

The rail guns do little damage to the attacking ships. They aren't going to make it but- John squints at an explosion in the view screen... and another.  F-302's, a swarm of them, from Atlantis.

 

"What's happening" Rodney nervously calls the bridge over the coms.

 

"Looks like we're getting some help from some friends." John answers, "Looks like we bet on the right side after all."

 

And then John hears his own voice, "Daedalus this is Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, do you read?"

 

He and Ronon exchange a wary look as John's own voice continues to hail them.

 

"Yeah, Daedalus." He answers hesitantly, "This is Daedalus. Come in."

 

"Who... Who is this?"

 

"It's a long story." John offers.

 

"Well, whoever you are you saved our asses when you took out their main weapons. Figured the least we could do is return the favor."

 

The version of himself flying outside leads his fleet to take out the rest of the alien fighters but says he has more questions since _their_ Daedalus was destroyed in a battle with the Replicators two years ago.

 

He tries to offer a brief explanation but falls back on, "Like I said, it's a long story."

 

Then he thanks himself, maybe a little more than is necessary, but it's amusing telling this other Sheppard that he's, "obviously a man of great integrity and a dedicated commander ...and a very skilled pilot." 

 

Rodney gives him a patronizing look as he finishes his compliment.

 

"Well, that's funny." his double answers." I was going to say the same to you." 

 

John quirks a half smile, but then seeing the looks from his teammates, falls into a more serious expression. 

 

A flash of light takes them back to the empty planet they first jumped to. They quickly move to make their escape. Almost there. Almost back to _their_ Atlantis.

 

Rodney opens one of the last doors leading them to the hanger bay. He's glancing abstractly at his pad when a flash of green weapons fire hits him in the arm.

 

I got shot!" Rodney squawks, ducking behind the bulkhead.

 

It's one of those alien bio-men that breached the ship. John and Ronon quickly take him down. 

 

"Think there's any more of them?" Ronon asks.

 

"I'm not waiting around to find out." John nods for them to continue but stops at a ticking sound; there's something in it's hand, a detonator of some kind.

 

They barely get away from the blast and seal the door in time . Their passage through to the hanger is gone now. Not just the passage, but the whole hanger has been depressurized. They've lost the Jumpers.

 

Rodney reminds them that Atlantis will never be able to rescue them in time. In order to escape that sun's deadly radiation, they changed the trajectory of the ship. Now when they jump back to their reality, they won't be anywhere close enough for Atlantis to detect them; eventually they'd pick something up, but not before the ship jumps again.

 

But at least he comes up with another idea. They get into spacesuits and hope they can last long enough. Floating in the vacuum of space, defenseless, and with dwindling oxygen; at least they're back in their own reality.

 

John closes his eyes against the darkness of space around them. Somehow in his mind the blinding bright sun is still there behind it all, waiting for him. Radiating like a reminder of a pain that burns too bright, a love that's consumed everything and left him as barren as that desert world.

 

Feeling the effects of the low 02, John is dizzy as a bright light flashes red under his closed lids. Opening his eyes, he expects to see a mirage of a coronasphere. But the flash was just the drive of the ghost ship firing up as the Daedalus skipped forward into another reality.

 

Guess Rodney was right, Atlantis wouldn't have picked up the readings in time. Not all the way out here.

 

Their coms are on an open channel, but John wants to say something, not even sure what it would be, "Rodney..." Only his name comes out.

 

"I know." His voice crackles a reply in John's ear, "We almost made it, right?"

 

Ronon's gruff voice interjects, "Talking wastes oxygen."

 

"Still," Teyla speaks softly, "If we are to die out here, I would just like you all to know-"

 

Another voice interrupts, "Colonel Sheppard, is that you?"

 

_'Lorne.'_  Twisting his neck, John makes out the shape of an approaching PuddleJumper and grins, "Major, nice of you to stop by. Kind of hard to get a cab in this neighborhood." 

 

.

. 

 

After getting Rodney treated for the laser shot to his shoulder, John keeps him company in the infirmary. 

 

Propping himself up on the adjacent gurney, they playing a round of video golf on their tablets. "How many jumps do you think that drive has left in it before it burns out?" John wonders.

 

"Half a dozen, tops." Rodney answers absently, "Then it'll be completely burnt, inert."

 

"Good, I'd hate to think of somebody else getting trapped inside like we did."

 

"Actually, you know, I've been thinking about that. Now, true, the navigation system was flawed to start with, but, um, the basic principles of the drive are fundamentally sound-"

 

"Forget it, Rodney." John shakes his head without looking up from the game. 

 

"I've saved the relevant data. Minor adjustments, and I should be able to have this thing up and running."

 

John raises his voice slightly but keeps his eyes glued to the screen, "Like I said, forget it."

 

Teyla walks in holding her son and John finally looks up, "Hey, look who's here."

 

"How's your shoulder, Rodney?" She asks.

 

"It's pretty bad, but you know, better, thanks."

 

She smiles, "Is it well enough to hold him?"

 

John looks to Rodney a little confused, considering how much he'd been complaining earlier that she'd never trust him to hold the baby again after his fumble.

 

"Really?" Rodney looks so pleased.

 

"Don't drop him." John teases as Teyla hands the infant over. 

 

"Hey there, little guy." Rodney's face lights up as he speaks to Torren; it's surprising how naturally affectionate he is as he cradles the boy, "I think he likes me."

 

"It suits you." Teyla sounds as surprised as John is.

 

"You think so?" Rodney asks hopefully.

 

Teyla nods, "I think you'll make an excellent father one day."

 

Making a sneering face, John stands up to go, "I've seen a lot of scary things in my time, but, ah, that thought scares me the most."

 

As he walks away, John hopes that sounded joking enough. He doesn't want to seem demeaning about Rodney's dream of fatherhood or let his bitterness show through. But it really guts him to think of Rodney doing the whole white picket fence thing. Marriage and babies. It's the life Rodney wants and it has nothing to do with him.

 

Waiting and watching Rodney and Jennifer has been torturous to endure. He's tried not to dwell on it since none of it has happened yet, but his stomach sinks in dread. 

 

Everyday he feels like he's unraveling a bit more until there will be nothing left. Time is unwinding... it won't be long now before Rodney gets up the nerve to ask Jennifer out. She'll say yes, he's seen the way she looks at him.

 

But he's also seen her look at Ronon the same way. Maybe there's still a chance  this timeline might unfold differently. If Rodney keeps being so slow about making a move, John _could_  interpret that as a sign that he wouldn't be interfering too much...

 

No. He wishes he could be selfish and try to take Rodney for himself, but it's a bit delusional to think Rodney would even want him. Or if he would, even just a little bit, that would mean putting his own happiness first without really giving Rodney the chance to find his.

 

John couldn't live with himself if he broke that promise. He wants everything for Rodney, everything Rodney waited 25 years to bring back. He can wait. And hope just a little bit. Even if that hope is the thing that makes all of this so painful.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Angry and distracted, Rodney leaves the lab early, telling Zelenka to keep an eye on things. He can't believe Woolsey still won't agree to let him pursue the research he recovered from the ghost-ship Daedalus. It's not like they haven't explored this potentially limitless energy source before. So it's gone wrong a few times... Whatever.

 

At least he copied the research to another tablet and hid it with his stash of personal projects that could prove useful later. Things he pursues on his own time. 

 

Stalking down the dark hallways of the lower levels, Rodney glowers. He needs challenging work to keep his mind off other things. Like John.

 

It's beyond pathetic how many times he's gotten his hopes up. He used to think John did this purposely, just to mess with him. But he knows it isn't intentional. John's just… very confused ...and very repressed.

 

And Rodney should know so much better by now. He really should. He's angry at himself for falling down this rabbit-hole again. It's so pointless. Pointless to get tangled up in John's emotional mess, he'll never give Rodney what he wants.

 

No matter how much he wishes it could be different, it won't be. He just needs to accept that once and for all. Yeah. Get some self control back, stop obsessing over John, and redirect his focus. Maybe ask Jennifer out.

 

Right, sounds like a reasonable agenda. He could do that. He could do that if he could just get over feeling so crushed and fucking devastated. If he could just blot it all out and forget everything. 

 

Reaching his cache of items deemed worthy for further research, he retrieves the tablet containing the data copied from the Daedalus. Then Rodney's eye falls to something else. Casks of berry wine procured from Asakia. He'd kept two of them -purely for research purposes. 

 

Not that he's ever gotten up the courage to ask Jennifer to test them. He can't even work up the courage to ask her to have another drink with him or whatever else it is she likes to do. And given how much trouble he'd gotten into after keeping some of Lucius's potion, Rodney thought better of advertising the fact that he'd held onto some of the wine. 

 

After that mission where they'd suffered aftereffects from eating the Asakian food, Jennifer tested their blood to find out what happened. They hadn't ingested anything harmful... _'What had she said?'_

 

They'd eaten a plant common enough in this galaxy, one with a mild disinhibiting effect on the formation of short term memories; at least for those native to Pegasus. But it's something they've been careful to avoid and test for since, given it's physiological effects are so much stronger on those of them from the Milky Way. 

 

But the other ingredients were what really concerned Elizabeth at the time. The combination of several compounds that artificially lowered inhibitions in a number of ways. Together they acted as a powerful truth serum, leaving the mind susceptible to autonomic response.

 

Obviously they couldn't risk exposing Atlantis or it's location and there has been no further contact with the Asakians. But hey, a truth serum could be useful one day. Well, if the wine is even dosed with the same stuff. 

 

Spotting something else, Rodney picks up a golf ball with the words "cinderella story" written on it in black felt marker. The letters are a bit dinged but still legible.

 

It's something he's kept from the time when he and John were on Earth, back when they visited each other every weekend playing games and golfing. Back when they always stayed up late watching movies and sleeping together on his fold-out couch.

 

That day on the green, they kept laughing and acting out a scene in Caddyshack they'd watched the night before. John wrote this on Rodney's ball and he wrote something on John's... What was it? "young upstart''.

 

That had been a good day. A really good day.

 

Each moment sparkles so clear and sharp he can almost feel John's arms around him, positioning his swing. A soft laugh bubbles up as Rodney recalls the way that game devolved into a theatrical chase of purposeful ineptitude, how they kept falling into each other in hysterics.   

 

So long ago... so different from the way things are between them now, he can't  imagine John ever sleeping in a bed with him again.

 

Rodney squeezes the ball so tight his nails dig into his palm.

  

The memories sparkle too clear, too sharp. They cut him with a loss that can't be replaced. He sadly sets his memento from that era back into its hiding place and reaches for the casks instead. 

 

Right now he'd give anything to escape feeling this, this ugh... just everything with John. If there's a chance this wine has any of the same stuff, whatever effects memory, maybe if he drank enough he could forget this horrible feeling.

 

At least for the rest of today.

 

And even if it's nothing but wine, it's still alcohol. He might not be able to blot everything out but he can get drunk enough that he _almost_ forgets.

 

Yeah. Fuck it. He'll just take these casks and his tablet somewhere private. And as much as he can, he'll try to make it all disappear. 

 

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 5, during/ after episode 3 "Broken Ties" & before/ during/ after episode 4 "Daedalus Variations"  
> .


	6. A forbidden night together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney's plans to drink his sorrows away have unintended consequences_  
> .

.

.

 

Technically, all personnel have been forbidden entry from the old 'game' room, ever since he and John almost caused that war or whatever. Maybe Rodney was feeling too nostalgic, maybe he thought he could test himself against his own resolve. Something brought him back to this room where he and John once spent so much time together. Something made him choose this place to hide out with the Asakian wine and see just how much he could forget; to see if he could erase everything he doesn't want to feel anymore.

 

After turning off his com, Rodney started keeping periodic notes of the wine's effects, you know, for research purposes. That and he did a little work on his subspace equations, at least before John showed up saying Zelenka needed him back in the lab. Stupid internal city sensors.

 

The last thing Rodney expected, after explaining his perfectly valid scientific project, was for John to help himself to one of the casks and join in the drinking. Part of him wanted to scream at him to go away and part of him found his presence too comforting to reject.

 

"Can't believe we've been drinking all night," John reclines in his old chair, "usually I can't even get you to crack a beer."

 

Rodney sniffs arrogantly, "A. This is wine, not beer. B. the point was to drink enough to determine if there were useful additives to synthesize... So, as you can see, I'm working here and you can tell Zelenka I'm not coming back to the lab."

 

"Think it was a little late for that a few hours ago, Zelenka's probably in bed." John wags his head a the consoles, "Hey, before I got here, you weren't, you know, playing around with the old interface...?"

 

'No!" Rodney lifts the cask with a giddy smile, "I vow never to build an empire in my own image again. No, I'm simply here to drown away my memories, wash away my multitude of regret and unhappiness," He peers at the bottle, "permitting there's more in this wine... than just, you know, wine."

 

"Unhappiness?" John frowns in confusion, taking a slow draw on his cask, "You were just telling me how optimistic and excited you were about asking Jennifer out."

 

"Was I? Oh right, I was. I mean, I am. To liquid courage then." Rodney tips his bottle up in a half hearted toast; it isn't half bad tasting, a rather sweet flavor with a pleasant buzz that's helped take the edge off things.

 

"I still can't believe you're drinking like this." John shakes his head in amusement, "especially with this stuff."

 

"I'm living dangerously." Rodney retorts irreverently. "And researching the properties of..." he lifts up his tablet and squints at what he's written so far, "You know whatever may or may not be in here. I've taken notes in case I end up forgetting anything."

 

"And what have we discovered so far?"

 

 _"We?"_ Rodney scoffs, "I take full credit for any discoveries." He gives John his best serious face and then they both dissolve into drunken laughter .

 

Composing himself, Rodney lifts up his tablet, "Full bodied berry with notes of hazel" He skims over some of the equations about the dimensional drive. "Significant effects of intoxication noted after consuming less than half a pint, resulting in reduced efficiency in mathematical formulation of..."

 

He decides not to mention what he's working on, "Various ideas." Rodney points to a place on his screen, "About here, a notation is made that one Colonel Sheppard interrupted my important research to relay a message from Zelenka."

 

"I had no idea you were working so hard." John smirks, "I hope at least you mentioned that I informed Zelenka you were busy once I realized how important this project was."

 

Rodney clears his throat as he reads, "Colonel Sheppard opted to stay and participate in the experiment, thus far he has contributed nothing noteworthy to this scientific endeavor."

 

"You seriously wrote that?" John laughs.

 

"Mmm." Rodney nods, "But I did make mention, that moving forward, I've immensely enjoyed your impressions of Woolsey. And I'm anticipating a victorious resolution to our debate about whose country really won."

 

"Oh, yeah... How'd we get off that topic?" John wags a finger with one eye squinting, "Oh, I remember now. You definitely admitted I won. And I think you were saying something about making me a trophy."

 

Typing on his pad, Rodney dictates, "Refuses to accept defeat in light of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. At approximately 2300 hours the effects of intoxicant have significantly diminished Sheppard's capacity for critical reasoning."

 

John bursts out in laughter, sliding his elbow along the console until his face falls into the crook.

 

"He appears to be showing marked impairments to his fine motor skills as well." Rodney blinks at his screen and continues punching into the pad, as he speaks, "Typing is getting hard. I no longer want to do it. Will report any further significant developments... at later time."

 

"Think you should count yourself as impaired too."

 

"Think so." Rodney leans his head back, "But it's a, a different kinda feeling than regular drinking, I like the, the floaty-ness."

 

"It is more floaty," John agrees, "But I still can't believe you're down here getting wasted, you know, without panicking about the possible long term effects on your memory or something."

 

"If only. I'd like to forget the last months..." Rodney screws up his face. "More. Maybe I'll forget everything and then..." He sighs and waves his hand in apathy.

 

"Yeah, there are more than a few things I wish I could forget too." John's eyes go dark for a moment.

 

"Really?" Some of Rodney's simmering resentment can't help but seep out a little, "You seem to do just fine with that on your own,"

 

"What the hell's that's supposed to mean?" John snaps his head back, "Thought we were just having a friendly drink here."

 

"More like drunk." Rodney ignores John's question, "Anyway Jennifer said the additives to the Asakian food were safe. Just some of the stuff effected memory and lowered our inhibitions so we were more susceptible to things, like telling the truth. But I don't think I'm feeling any of those side effects."

 

"Right." John goes still for moment, "I forgot about the truth serum part."

 

"Yeah, well that's actually the part that could be useful if it could be synthesized." Rodney sneers, "How could you forget about that?"

 

"No, I guess I just wasn't thinking about it, you kept talking so much about the effects on memory," John flits his eyes nervously, "I didn't drink the wine on the planet, but whatever I ate, well I didn't actually remember being suggestible or what I told them... but I think all I said was that we weren't a threat." he shifts uncomfortably in his chair, "Okay, so how would you even know if you were experiencing, um, that effect?"

 

"Dunno, I was drinking for a while before you got here. Think I'd have noticed it by now."

 

"Were you asking yourself any challenging questions?" John's expression is mildly mocking as he stands up, "Maybe it hasn't hit you yet... Look, um, I think I might call it a night."

 

"Not so fast, you willingly joined this experiment, I wanna try it out." Rodney gives him a snarky pout, "So why won't you talk with me about what happened before you got thrown forward in time?"

 

"We've talked plenty." John goes still and gives him one of those empty smiles, "We're talking now."

 

"Just not about anything that matters." Rodney drums his fingers on the console. "'Okay -kay drunk truth test number two... So after you almost kissed me, you, you said you wanted us to be something more than best friends. What more did you want, I mean, before you changed your mind?"

 

John chokes a cough, looking to the door like he wants to bolt; then he clears his throat, "Wha- Well, I was trying to say, um that since Carson's your best friend and he was back... I wanted us to still be close, you know. If I was being a little too... uh, I didn't mean to-"

 

"You didn't mean to? That's your answer? Fine, okay." Rodney rolls his eyes in annoyance, "Just another one for the 'don't talk about file'. At least I know there's nothing in the wine making you honest."

 

"You're really mad at me." Looking concerned, John sinks back to his chair.

 

"No." Rodney lies easily, of course he is; at first he was just hurt but now he wants to scream. _"Honestly..._ "

 

He lets that word hang in the air sarcastically for a beat, "I haven't given it much thought. Just came to me it'd make a good test question."

 

"Okay, then I have a test question for you." John leans forward, "Why'd you just lie about being mad at me?"

 

"I didn't." Rodney tries to keep his face blank like John does, but knows his eyes give him away and shifts his gaze to the floor.

 

Slouching in his chair, John exhales heavily, "Well, then I guess we can safely assume we're not under the influence of any kind of truth serum."

 

"Well I'm pretty under the influence of something," Rodney stands with a stagger, "about 2/3 worth of this cask so far and working my way down to the bottom." He leans over and types into his pad, _'No truth serum properties seem to be present in the wine.'_

 

Propping his elbows on the console, John sinks his chin into his hands, "Okay, but you said if this experiment of yours succeeded, you'd forget part of today... what are you trying to forget?"

 

 _'You.'_ Rodney walks away from the console and leans against the wall, out loud he says, "Oh, just inner doubts and fears. Um, like I said, liquid courage."

 

"How's that supposed to help you figure out how to make a move with Jennifer?" John gives him a dubious look.

 

"Oh, I don't know." Rodney glares, "Maybe you can give me some pointers."

 

John glances to the door like he's planning his exit again, "Like what?"

 

"Well, it'd be so much easier to be like you," Rodney tuts, "Maybe you can tell me how to do it. How I could just do what I want, you know, without worrying about pain or rejection... how to just stop caring."

 

"I care." John looks genuinely hurt, "How could you say that I don't?"

 

"Well sure you care. When it suits you." Rodney knows he's drunk and wouldn't normally use John's past against him, even when he can see it's causing him pain; but it's John's own damn fault for finding him here when he was trying so hard to escape him. "You just also know how not to."

 

"Rodney." John stands up quickly, wobbling a little as he walks over to him, "I care about you..." he seems too serious, "I care about you... being happy."

 

"Do I look happy?" Rodney sets his face into a stony stare.

 

A twist of anguish washes across John's features; he leans against the wall next to him holding his hand over his mouth.

 

"Sorry. I'm drunk." Rodney swings the neck of the bottle up to his lips for another swig, "I forgot we weren't being honest there for a minute."

 

Flicking a glance at John, he takes in the hollow stare and squirms internally with guilt for letting so much of his frustration out, "Um, I know you have your reasons for being the way you are. I mean, I think I do anyway and I know you can't help it. Just-"

 

Rodney sighs sadly, "I thought you'd at least talk to me about why you changed your mind. Yeah-yeah-yeah, I know. You're pretending nothing even happened and I'm presuming you wanted more. But I think we both know what was really going on between us in that alcove. And as your friend I just... I just wish you'd stop doing things that make it so hard to... I just want..." he shakes his head unable to say what he really wants. _'I want you to want me back'._

 

"Rodney I never meant to-"

 

"No, I know, you never mean _anything_." Rodney squeezes his eyes shut, "That's the problem."

 

"You told me you didn't want to be with guys anymore."

 

 _'Okay is John actually admitting he almost went there, and that whatever's going on between them isn't exactly a normal friendship?'_   Even if nothing is compelling John to tell the truth, something about the intoxication has gotten him talking. At least talking more than he has since that day in the alcove when he almost... Well, Rodney doesn't know what it almost was. But it was... something. 

 

He presses, "That didn't stop you from trying to kiss me."

 

"I know. I should't have..."

 

 _'Ha! So now you admit it!'_ Rodney bites back the urge to spit the words out at his moment of triumph; instead he pauses and finds his voice coming out quietly, "No, you should have... Or at least explained why you didn't."

 

"Well, like you were saying earlier." John fumbles, "Things with you and Jennifer-"

 

Rodney turns and faces John with a look of betrayal, "I _literally_ just told you I was thinking about asking her out."

 

Speaking like he's asking instead of telling, John's eyes seem to beg, "I can't explain it all right now, but I promise you're happier with Jennifer. I'm a mess and I can't," His head drops to his chin with an air of defeat, "Look, I don't even know how to... be with a guy... All I've ever had is, uh, a handful of anonymous one time flings..."

 

 _'Anonymous?'_ A hint of Rodney's paranoia kicks in thinking about all the unprotected sex he and John had back in Antarctica; he's been tested a million times for everything possible but still... "What do you mean 'anonymous'!? Were you at least using condoms?"

 

Johns' face flushes, "M'-most of what I did, didn't need a, a condom." Dark lashes drop to hide his eyes, "but the two times other than you, when I... yeah, I uh, used protection."

 

"Just with me you didn't bother." Rodney leans forward and catches John's eye accusingly.

 

The thud of John's cask hits the metal wall behind them as his arm hangs limp, "Um, well I knew that I was clean and... I hadn't been with anyone in a while... I know it was stupid, I just didn't have time to plan or find anything."

 

"But you had time to find LUBE?" Rodney pinches his lips scornfully. _'So what? John thinks the whole thing between them was stupid?'_

 

"Rodney." John actually sounds embarrassed as he turns his head up to stare at the ceiling, "There was a lot of down time back at McMurdo, time with nothing to do but drink or... Look, I was alone there for 11 months."

 

A gurgle of laughter erupts unexpectedly from his gut, "Sorry." Rodney laughs again trying to stop. "Lube. Never leave home without it. No, sorry. I just. Yeah. I always figured you hadn't had much outlet and that's why we ended up..."

 

He trails off wondering, not for the first time, why he let himself have unprotected sex with John when he's always been so fanatically careful in the past.

 

All the mirth gone from his voice, Rodney pries deeper, "So you normally planned these things out?"

 

Still staring up, John answers with a slow, bitter edge, "In the military it's not like you can just hook up with people you're gonna see again. So yeah, if I could tell that we both wanted it, I'd plan a way to... just I'd have to be really sure about the guy."

 

"How could you be sure that I... I mean, how did you know back then, with me?"

 

John pushes himself away from the wall and stands blinking at the floor; when he looks up his expression seems oddly broken, "I didn't. Okay?"

 

The emptiness in that expression twists Rodney's gut and he wants to reach out for John so much. _'Okay. So he's the only guy John's been with more than once and the only guy he wasn't sure about first. He took risks that he hadn't with anyone else. That's got to mean something... something more than "It was stupid." Why can't he just risk a little bit more?'_

 

"Look, I'm sorry okay?" The dim light of the lab seems to paint the rings under John's eyes darker, "That enough talking for you?"

 

"No. No... I wanna talk more." Rodney's lower lip pushes out, remembering the feel of John pressed up against him in the alcove, he throws back the words John said to him that day, "Maybe _more_ than just talk?'"

 

Pressing away from the wall, Rodney nearly loses his balance, swaying as he steps forward; shocked at his own boldness, he moves closer until his chest is rising and falling too fast just a few inches from John's, "So, um, if you had to be sure, how could you tell, like, if the other guys were... into it?"

 

"Uh, usually if," Lips mashed into each other, John's face flushes again, "uh, if something like this happened."

 

Unable to contain a sly smile of excitement, Rodney stares him down, "And _then_ what?" his tone dares John for more.

 

It seems to affect him as he answers breathless and hushed, "I... usually... one of us would... get closer."

 

"Like this?" Rodney moves in the rest of the way until his chest is pressed lightly against John's.

 

"Uh." John sucks in a sharp breath and nods.

 

 _'Okay-okay, he hasn't really done anything yet, he hasn't actually tried to 'go there', or whatever, besides it's way less then what John did in that alcove.'_ Rodney exhales shakily, "So then, what, you guys would go back to your quarters?"

 

Regarding him with a spontaneous smile of amusement, John shakes his head lightly, "Military, Rodney. You have to be careful, more like," He glances up to the door they locked earlier, "Like a secure, hidden room."

 

A surge of arousal slams through him at the thought that John's never been in another man's bed, other than his, "So before me, you didn't ever..."

 

The look on John's face as he nervously licks his lower lip answers Rodney's question before he finishes it.

 

Between them, where their bodies meet, a satisfying hum vibrates through him like another answer, a place that feels like home. No, he can't let himself think that, John's just drunk enough that his guard is down. He'll pull away again, he always does.

 

 _'Still, the thought of coaxing John into his bed again... Maybe he'll just try what John did that day in the alcove.'_ Rodney leans into his neck and brushes his lips lightly against the skin, drawing in the scent; God, he loves the way John smells of clean forest air and Aqua Velva.

 

Dropping his face into Rodney's shoulder, John groans; his hands are suddenly around him, tucking them close.

 

His body shudders in the sudden euphoric joy that John is holding him again. He can't stop his hands from trailing up John's back. He's missed this place so much, it's so right, so wonderfully familiar, even if he only ever catches it in glimpses.

 

"Then what would happen?" Rodney forces a confident tone, he can't let John pull away now, he can't.

 

"Usually," John's breath hitches with a whimper as Rodney pulls him even closer, "usually with our hands."

 

A small groan escapes him as he imagines what it would be like and reaches down to John's cock, feeling it stiffen to his touch.

 

"Rodney, please." John sounds pleading and his body goes rigid.

 

 _'Pleading for more or to stop?'_  No, John would be pushing him away if he didn't want this.

 

Giddy, Rodney wobbles a bit in John's strong hold on him. God, if he wasn't so drunk... he'd never have the courage to do this. But it feels like he's managed to catch John somehow, like he's the one in control for a moment. 

 

This seems to be working, playing out the past like this; Rodney thinks, his mouth twisting into a half frown, "Did you let them call you John? Probably not. Just Major or Sheppard, right?"

 

John moans as he squeezes him again through his pants. "Rodney." 

 

"Call me McKay." he huffs into his neck.

 

"Mc-Kay" John's voice cracks.  
.  
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _This chapter takes place in Season 5 between episode 4 "Daedalus Variations" and episode 6 "The Shrine"_  
> .


	7. Call me McKay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney makes John show him how he used to hook up with guys in the military._  
> .

.  
.

"So _Major Sheppard_ , since we're both here for just the night and flying out tomorrow, we should take advantage of what little time we have together." He rubs the hard shaft under his grip, but John's hands aren't reciprocating, not doing what Rodney wants them to.

 

"Rod-McKay, I, I..."

 

Losing his persona, Rodney lifts his head, careening slightly against John's cheek before gazing up at him, "Uh, then... guess you were always the one to make the first move?"

 

John nods at Rodney with glassy eyes.

 

 _'What's behind that look?'_ John appears almost... emotional and Rodney dares to reach up, savoring the feel of him as he traces his fingertips around those inscrutable eyes.

 

The corners of his mouth ghost a smile at the faint freckles barely showing under the glow of John's sun kissed skin. Has anyone ever noticed them before? They couldn't have appreciated them half as much as Rodney does.

 

"Show me." He blinks up at John more vulnerably, "Show me how you seduced them?"

 

"You have no idea how much I want to, how many fantasies I've had about," John flips Rodney around possessively, pressing him back, "pinning you to the wall and..." John staggers a sigh, "But we're really drunk and we shouldn't..."

 

"You have no idea how long I've wanted you to." Biting his lip in frustration, Rodney reverts to the role that was working before, "Don't you want to get off with me _Major Sheppard_ , do you need it like I do? How long's it been since you were with a guy?"

 

"Not since you... McKay." John makes a pained noise and Rodney can feel his body moving, if just slightly, grinding into him; in the still air, they shift quietly against each other to the sound of the machines humming in the background.

 

"Part of you really needs it don't you?" Trying too act the brash seducer, Rodney hears his voice sounding too obvious with his own longing; he wants it to be true, needs it to be... if he could just succeed in seducing John this one time, maybe he'd let Rodney be more...

 

"I need you Rodney..." John drops his head in surrender, pressing his lips to his neck like he did in that alcove, the slightly dry pout mouthing across his skin, "McKay."

 

John sweeps his hand through Rodney's hair and his head lolls back at the sensation; God, he loves it when John does that. But then his hand freezes and Rodney can sense the brittle edge, the one that comes when he's starting to withdraw.  

 

Balancing his unsteady footing against John, he makes a noise of stubborn protest, "Don't stop... _Colonel_."

 

His throat too tight to speak anymore, Rodney's arms constrict to keep him from pulling away.  _'Don't stop. Please don't stop.'_  

 

The arm coiled around Rodney's waist squeezes him back, then it wanders up under his shirt, petting at the small of his back; the fingers explore the curve of his spine until it reaches his nape, where John takes a gentle fistful of hair, sighing into him.

 

"We should stop." John sounds like he's admonishing himself for the fact that he isn't going to.

 

Pressing harder into John, Rodney's skin prickles a pleasant rush of pins and needles, like that day they'd held each other in the Jumper.

 

His body craves him, sinking into those knowing hands, responding to the deep etched muscle memory. Creeping under the bottom of John's shirt, Rodney soaks in the warmth of his hard lean torso, feeling the muscles under his skin tensing to the touch. Drifting lower, he catches at the belt and fumbles with the buckle.

 

" _Sheppard_." Rodney hears his own voice shaking as the belt comes lose from its notch, his clumsy fingers loosening John's pants enough to reach down and find him hard and ready.

 

"God." John's voice sounds pained as he gusts heavy breaths, sawing in and out intensely like he's either about to bolt or give in completely and-

 

"Ugh" The air goes out of him as John pushes him harder back into the wall, undoing Rodney's pants so fast it makes his head spin; _'Oh God. God. Yes.'_ John palms his cock, his warm lean fingers sliding over his need and heat growing more urgent.

 

"I've tried-." John pulls Rodney's boxers down further, grabbing into the firm underside of his ass, "I've tried not to-"

 

"It's okay, _Colonel_ ," The room spins with lush intoxication, " I want you to show me." Rodney tangles John's shirt up high, languid and wine stained lips mouthing against his bare chest.

 

John slides artfully over his shaft and Rodney whimpers with want, "Uhhh, show me...  this how you seduced them?"

 

"No." The word grinds out rough and sandpapery; John clenches his eyes shut, swaying back and gripping his hold on Rodney's neck almost painfully, but he keeps moving his hand over Rodney's throbbing cock.

 

"Really _Colonel?"_  Rodney shoves John's pants away from his hips, pressing his bare erection against him, "No lube? I've heard you usually come prepared."

 

Softening his touch, John swipes his hand down Rodney's neck, giving a pained, stuttered breath against his collarbone.

  

"I, I shouldn't be-" He groans, "There's things you don't know, Rodney..."

 

"Call me McKay." Too far gone to give up now, he grinds in wanton desire, "Just an anonymous-"

 

"I don't want to be with you like this." John pulls his head up, eyes crinkling like he's in pain. 

 

"Why... not?" The words hurt as they empty out of his lungs, hiding his face into the warmth of John's chest, he protests, "You can't even _pretend_ with me?"

 

"No." John's lips brush behind his ear, speaking almost inaudibly, "It was never like this with them. With you I can't pretend it's just..."

 

"Sheppard." Rodney slips between the soft flank of John's inner thigh, pushing his pants down to the knee, "I know you want it too. Blame the wine. Just for tonight, show me what it was like."

 

"This isn't what it was like." John slams a hand into the metal wall behind them, but he moves so gently, so carefully, as he dips his head to match their foreheads, "God," he breaths out a secretive whisper, "I wish I could just forget all the reasons why I'm, I'm not supposed to..."

 

"But-but," Absorbed in the way their breaths mingle fast and shallow, Rodney hates how pleading his voice sounds, "We're not doing anything wrong. I mean-I know for you, being with a guy is-"

 

"That's not it." John's body eases into his so perfectly as his touch roams over Rodney's skin, "I'd be with you if I could. It's different now because I... we..." but even through his excuses, the hands undress him, rumpling Rodney's shirt over his head.

 

Biting his lip with a taunting smile, Rodney pulls back at John's shirt until it's almost off. Blinking at him expectantly, he waits until John surrenders and lifts his arms, letting him pull it over his head too.

 

He floats in the drowsy haze of the wine that's only intensified his lust, making him forget everything but the want. And the want is all consuming as they untangle the rest of their clothes. John's hands slip down his sides, over his hips, pulling him up enough to slide the hard of his cock tightly into him.

 

Maybe it's just the drink that makes John want him back. But he's been waiting so long for John to look at him this way again. Even if it's just for one night... Rodney winces, no, it has to be more than that. _'Why won't you let me in just a little bit more, let me mean more to you.'_

 

But he knows John won't. _'If I could be with you I would.'_

 

The mute wish dissolves, formless in the lull of those hands running over him. The distant part of Rodney's mind that still wants to scream and beat against John's impenetrable fortress, melts into the sensation of skin against skin. 

 

A knee urges his legs to part further and he's lost; powerless as John takes control, catching his wrist against the wall as he squeezes his ass. His whole body shivers as John's cocks slakes against his possessively. Then John's hand takes him again, stroking him slow and steady, pulling a pleasure that makes him lightheaded with hitching gasps.

 

Their faces so close it's blurred, Rodney swallows and closes his parched mouth, staring at John's lips. He almost leans forward to kiss him, but remembering the look of disgust the last time he tried, the prospect of that happening again, it's too terrifying. 

 

Moaning into the shared breath between them Rodney outlines the shallow curve behind John's hip, tracing back to catch the wet tip of his cock, slightly damp and slick under his fingertips. Clenching in excitement, he grasps the weight of the silky-damp shaft.

 

John makes a soft bite into Rodney's shoulder, releasing his wrist, he snakes his arm around his waist again, rhythmically pumping. Rodney's stomach rolls in somersaults as they move together. He bites the inside of his cheek as the sweetest bliss pulls from deep in the loins, as they rock in unison, pulsing taut heat in their hands.

 

Beautiful and dangerous, John's eyes catch his, like a sleek panther taking his prey. Lured into his lingering gaze, Rodney feels helpless, like his fate is suspended there.

 

But then John's lashes flutter with a crack of unmistakable fragility. Rodney reaches for it, changing the rhythm of frenzy into something slower and deeper. John doesn't resist as Rodney winds his arm around his waist too, letting him pull him in closer. 

 

Flicking his tongue against the hollow of John's neck, he feels the pulse there, thrumming with the heartbeat in his own throat as the intensity builds. So lost in him, so in love with him, so drunk with the moment, Rodney's vision goes airy and out-of-focus like the feeling in his head. 

 

It swallows his thoughts, dissolving in the dazzling glimmer. The room spins. Almost too much to keep his balance, a wave of vertigo throws off his coordination.

 

John catches him; lifting him up off his feet, he slides him back down with a tender expression, then back into the slow, steady beat as they lean against the wall for support, "McKay."

 

Their bodies wrap completely up in each other and John's eyes lock with his, staying intimate and connected as the seemless movement of their hands and hips rock together, "I'm sorry I broke my promise."

 

Coiled around him, Rodney pants in delirium, "What?"

 

"I couldn't wait for that crack... that crack in time... or maybe, maybe this is it." John's head turns, his tongue slides across the base of Rodney's throat, lapping; and then kissing him there.

 

Kissing him again. Oh God, it's too much...

 

John reaches through Rodney's body and soul, somehow knowing exactly how to quicken the pace. Feeling John folded protectively around him, taking him so strong... But sweet and syrup slow, his other hand sweeps through Rodney's hair, urging him to let go of any control he had left.

 

The orgasm simmers through his skin, spreading everywhere, blinding bliss as it flares to nerve endings head to toe. He sinks into oblivion, coming undone with hazed eyes. Still pulsing over John's shaft, he pulls him into the climax with him.

 

His free hand grips up into John's hair for support as he shakes uncontrollably, trembling at the edge. Feeling John's body contort into him with sinuous tremors,  his whole body tenses then spasms as they reach the peak together.

 

Quaking at the sharp surge, it shatters into sudden brilliance, sparking behind his eyes in rolling waves as he gushes. 

 

The sounds that tear from them, boom loud echoes in the empty lab. Warm spatter pulses over his wrist and John's slick wets his abdomen. Another wave of pleasure wracks through him and Rodney chokes a last gasp of abandon. Everything in him broken apart, wide open as his vision blacks out and they fall into each other.

 

There is such a stillness now. Dizzy in the darkness, the wine hits him harder then before. He curves into John's skin, bare and moist against his as their chests rise and fall in time. Perfectly bound into each other in the soft afterglow. So perfect. 

 

"McKay." his voice a rough murmur, John's palm gently moves across his hot cheek. 

 

All he can manage in reply is to croak John's name in plaintive contentment.

 

_'His first name.'_

 

Suddenly it feels too much like that night he'd said it by accident in the throws of passion. A mistake that exposed his vulnerability and hurt so much when John left wordlessly.

 

Back then, he'd only been Major Sheppard. Not John, just Sheppard.

 

 _'You can call me John when we're off duty'._ It was only after things ended John had said that. Even if he'd repeated it back, like a forbidden word,  _'John'_ , it took time before he was really comfortable using it. That was years ago and even if they've shared so much closeness since, they haven't really been together, at least not like this.

 

The emotions flood back, fresh and raw. John doesn't want him now anymore than he did then. Eyes flaring open, Rodney releases his white knuckled grip on John's hair. Pulling away, he stares at the wild tufts sticking up.

 

Slowly releasing his cock, John's hand possessively curves into Rodney's hip instead. 

 

Rodney sucks in a breath as fingertips move over his face, across his scalp. He can't hide it, the feeling of being adrift without shelter, skin too bare and sensitive. His mind circles between the closeness of their bodies and all the gaps of fear in between... knowing what this means to John... and what it doesn't.

 

A shiver runs through him as John's slides his hand down his neck, warming over his back.

 

 _'If I could be with you I would.'_  Rodney flinches remembering how it always felt before, when John was done with him.

 

"Hey." John's eyes flicker with uncertainty.

 

A hard weight tightens in Rodney's chest as his eyes crease, "Yeah. Okay", he twists away and grabs at a pair of boxers on the floor to clean the stickiness from his hand and stomach.

 

He's not going to let John leave first, not this time. It'll hurt too much. Shit, those were John's boxers. He drops them and finds his own, pulling them on as he reaches for his other missing items. He needs them as a barrier to protect himself, physically and emotionally.

 

"Hey. What's wrong?"

 

Grabbing for his pants, Rodney doesn't answer; staggering and slipping in his hurry, John catches him by the shoulders.

 

"Where are you going?" Emotions flash quickly across John's face before he can read them all, but behind there is something like sadness or regret.

 

Stuffing down his own pathetic feelings, Rodney tries to regain his composure. _'Dammit he drank too much.'_

 

Unable to keep John's gaze he shakes his head at the things that want to come bubbling out of him but can't; his voice comes out a bit slurred, and too thick to sound steady, "This time I get to be the one to leave."

 

"What?" John's hands drop away from him, as Rodney looks up he sees a flinch in his eyes.

 

"Jus' um, rather not be 'round for the part where you freak out on me, so-um I'm... leaving before you do." Finally getting his leg through the second pant hole, he fastens his belt, "I mean, another one for the 'don't talk about file', right? Cause you never wanna talk about anything anyway so why start now?"

 

"Okay. Sure you're not the one freaking out?" John's voice is hoarse as he leans bare against the wall, holding himself in the shadows.

 

"Mmm-No." Rodney swallows, trying to think through the fuzzy sensation in his head, trying to keep from feeling the emotions crashing painfully through the haze, "Jus-um, know you don't want anything more... with us, so-u'm jus' making this easy."

 

"And if I did want more?" The way John asks it sounds too fragile.

 

"Umm," He wasn't expecting that and bobs his head up at John's slumped form, _"Honestly,"_ he puzzles, "I'd-uh-be shocked."

 

"Rodney," He says his name with an ache, "this isn't how I want to be with you. I want... I want more than I can say."

 

"Right." Rodney spins a little and keeps his balance, "Um, wass-I wrong? -No... 'Cause-a, tonight jus', you said arready 'ssame thing, 'n you don't wanna be with me... like at all... Look, this-ss mistake, we got drunk, forget this happened," His mouth turns down into a sarcastic grimace, "You know, like everything else."

 

"I don't want to. I can't." John slides down against the wall, sitting with his head hanging between his knees, "Look, I didn't want to get in the way with you and Jennifer but now I- ...Rodney please, don't go."

 

Annoyed at this obvious excuse about Jennifer, he whips his jacket from the floor and pitches back a little to steady himself on the console, "Know what? I am mad. this-ss so obviously..." sighing he closes his eyes to stop the room from spinning, "Kay, I know, 's my fault too... Whatever, 'm fine" _'God, what was he thinking? Everything feels so much worse now.'_

 

"Don't go like this." John's eyes seem to glitter in the darkness, "Please." his breath catches on the last word.

 

"Why not?" Rodney can't conceal the bitterness, "You always did. Never said 'nything... didn't care enough to even look at me after."

 

"Rodney." John's voice cracks, "I cared. God, I hate myself. I do. Everyday, for how badly I fucked it all up between us. I know I lost any chance to be with you back when _you_ still cared. And it's stupid to hope you'd ever want anything with me again..."

 

About to walk out, Rodney throws a parting glare. But John looks so completely devastated it stops him cold. 

 

He hadn't imagined it possible John could let himself feel anything about this... but seeing him in such obvious pain, a different fear seizes him.

 

The thought that tonight something between them may have irreparably been pushed too far... It doesn't matter that John won't ever give him what he really wants. He can't risk losing what they _do_ have. Whatever they are to each other, it means so much more than anything else could.

  

"I-I've never stopped caring." Rodney winces at the guttural emotion of just how much, "Always have, you know that... 'S okay. We, we always get past this stuff, right?"

 

"This... _stuff_?" John's voice struggles, tight and constricted; he wipes his hands at his eyes and stands up silently collecting his clothes.

 

"John?"

 

Everything is too quiet as John pulls the rest of his clothes back on.

 

"John." Rodney hunches his shoulders in guilt, "'M sorry, okay?"

 

He keeps his back to Rodney as he shifts into his jacket, "You didn't do anything wrong. It's my fault. Should have been more careful... and kept my promise." A hitching sigh escapes him as he leans over a console, "I know you don't want this and I'm, I'm sorry I still do."

 

"Want-a... What?" Rodney rears his head. _'Like hell John actually wants this.'_ But still it makes him tremble a little to hear him say it; it's stupid hoping this time something could be different, but the reality is... reality. 

 

"Look, we're drunk 'n if y-you still think -if tomorrow you feel -Mmm something, dunno... 'Jus tomorrow you'll be sober 'n thinking clear."

 

"I've felt this way for a long time, Rodney." John's back goes ruthlessly straight, "Tomorrow doesn't ever change that." He turns into the light with that same look of anguish that washed over his face earlier, only now he doesn't hide it. "I'm not asking you to feel the same way, but at least... will you let me explain? I need you to know the truth because I can't keep it back anymore." He shutters visibly. 

 

Rodney's heart melts at his expression, John's eyes almost look puffy, almost like he was crying. 

 

Striding forward, he wraps his arms around him without thinking. John clasps him back, making a choking sound like he's trying to say his name.

 

"'S 'kay" Rodney sinks back into his embrace, washing his hands over John's back, "Wha-ever's wrong we'll fix it. 'M sorry I got-so drunk. Thought it'd feel better not worse."

 

John's body stoops into him, the words catching brokenly in his throat, "I... make you feel... worse."

 

"No." Rodney bunches up his face, "'Mmm-Yes, when you make me think you wanna be with me. 'M 'jus" he tucks his chin into John's chest, "know you don't mean it."

 

Sliding his fingers through Rodney's hair, John pets him with soft, shaky fingers, "What would you feel... if I did mean it?" 

 

"You _know_." Rodney huffs a hot breath against him, wishing... wishing John really did,"'S too easy, I fall for it... 'm you don't...  and s'always messing stuff up with us. W-we'll talk tomorrow, when's not so late, 'n your not so drunk."

 

"I'm not that drunk Rodney," John finds his voice and tenderly strays a finger under Rodney's chin, tilting it up, "And tomorrow... What if the stuff we drank makes me forget everything I've needed to say for so long?"

 

"You mean," Rodney's heart skips a beat, "like, like what you said before-um, you disappeared? Is-uh, is there really something you wanna ta-tell me... 'for some time'?"

 

John winces his eyes shut and nods. When he opens them again Rodney touches his face, under the hollow of his red rimmed eyes.

 

His hand falls to John's collar, fisting into the fabric and pushing into him with frustration, "But why'do-you always, you change your mind though -you-you always change your mind." He gives a tiny punch into John's chest and wobbles on his unsteady feet as the room spins. _'Ugh. Whatever he drank is hitting him so much harder now.'_

 

"I didn't change my mind." John's arm steadies him around the waist, "There's a reason I pulled back, I can explain-"

 

Lifting a finger Rodney remembers his pad and reaches for it.

 

Again, John catches him, this time by the elbow, "Hey." He curls Rodney back into him, "Think maybe you had too much of that wine."

 

"Mmm" Rodney wobbles his head in agreement, "Drank a lot more than you." He types in his pass code and hands John the tablet, "Jus' in case, write it down with-the, ah, our science o'servations... 'n tomorrow if you still havta tell me, if you still feel like it..." his shoulders give a small, vulnerable shrug.

 

"Okay. Whatever you decide, I'll respect it." John cups his jaw and just stares at him for a long moment before letting go and reaching down to close into Rodney's hand, "Let's get you safely back to your quarters."

 

"Safely?" Rodney wrinkles his nose.

 

"At the conclusion of the experiment," John lifts his brows, talking as he types, "one Dr. McKay, showed significant signs of impaired motor reflexes and required assistance to make it SAFELY back to his quarters."

 

Rodney shrugs more ambivalently, "Whatever."

 

.

. 

* * *

 

.

.

 

_"Rodney, I wanted to write all this down in case I forget last night and everything I have to tell you._

_I love you. And I've been wanting to say that for so long._

_I know you're angry with me for pulling away. But I need you to know it wasn't because I changed my mind about wanting to be with you or wishing more than anything to be closer to you. You've been the greatest love of my life and nothing will ever change that._

_And I wanted to tell you all this last night after you got upset with me, but you were too drunk. And if there's a chance that this wine messes with our memories, I need to write this all down to be sure you'll know what's really in my heart._

_I haven't meant to hurt you by acting distant or like there's nothing between us. For me, there has been, for so long. And I was about to say it all that day before I got thrown forward in time._

_But what I saw there changed everything and that's the reason I've held back, however painful it's been. I made a promise to you, in a way, not to be selfish. For the sake of your happiness and the future you wanted. But I can't help it now, I can't stop myself because I love you desperately._ _And I can't stop hoping you'd be willing to give me another chance._

_I know I don't deserve one and if you still want to be with Jennifer after reading what I have to say, I'll understand. Just after last night I have to tell you-"_

 

Hand pressed to his head at the searing hangover, John's eyes swim again, too groggy to read the rest. And it seems like he wrote a hell of a lot more. Skimming the pages, from the look if it, he wrote enough to tell his entire life story, not just the part about what happened in the future.

 

_'Jesus.'_

 

Even if he could tell Rodney a fraction of this, who'd ever want to read a love confession the length of War & Peace? He must have been up late, his hair is still damp from taking a shower and his eyes sting like they need more sleep.

 

He can't believe he got so drunk he actually stole Rodney's tablet to... What was he thinking? How could he have been so fucked up that he'd even consider giving this to him?

 

One of the last things he remembers Rodney saying was how excited he was about wanting to ask Jennifer out. Is that what possessed him to be so impulsively selfish? He had no right to, and it's sick and screwed up, that he'd choose to be.

 

Scrolling back up to the beginning where Rodney's equations and notes begin, John sees writing about Hallona and Geldar referencing some kind of contest to see whose country really won. _'Shit, they didn't... They wouldn't have dared...'_ Still, he'd better get down there and check.

 

Rodney's snippy comments about him make him smile a little. John stops at the first passage he wrote about helping Rodney back to his quarters. Saving that, he erases the rest of his confessional ramblings without reading anymore.

 

At least he had the sense not to say anything about this while they were drinking. He can bury this here and now before it does any damage, not that he probably would have remembered if he did. Most of last night is a blank.

 

Scrambling to get ready, he races down to the lab and checks out the equipment. Relieved, he finds they didn't reactivate the consoles or make any grand statements as 'oracles'. Grabbing the wine casks, he removes any evidence that they were even there.

 

He tries to drop the tablet off to Rodney at his lab several times throughout the day but Zelenka tells him, with some frustration, that he not only left early last night, but now it seems like he's out sick for the entire day. Later that evening John catches up with him in the mess hall and Rodney doesn't look well.

 

"Hey, you left this in the 'game room'." John hands it to him, "How you feeling?"

 

"Like drinking that stuff was a terrible idea." Rodney grumbles.

 

"What was the point again?" John tries to remember.

 

"Ugh, I don't know. I was working on the calculations for the" Rodney shifts his eyes furtively, "um, for improving shield efficiency." Looking over his notes he frowns up at John, "Geldar? Do we need to be worried that-"

 

"I checked it out this morning, we didn't mess with anything. And ah, I threw the rest of that stuff out."

 

"Good, the hangover is terrible." Rodney rubs his eyes at his notes, "Hmm, apparently it was worthless as truth serum anyway. Did we mess with anything else, or do anything we shouldn't have? My memory fizzles out around the time you joined in the drinking and I figure if we did any damage it was probably your fault."

 

"My fault? Like I'm the troublemaker when I'm cleaning up the bottles you left down there?" John tries not to think about that damning confession, "Check your notes McKay, apparently you drank so much I had to help you walk back to your quarters."

 

"Whatever." Rodney shrugs.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _This chapter takes place in Season 5 between episode 4 "Daedalus Variations" and episode 6 "The Shrine"_  
> .


	8. John's never known how to say goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _When Rodney gets sick, John lovingly cares for him, incapable of accepting the thought that he might lose Rodney forever._  
> .

.  
.

Rodney feels silly for making such a fuss about being cold and miserable on the mission. Sure, it felt like he was dying at the time; drenched and huddled atop the Stargate after the glacial water flooded the valley. It was freezing but no one else was complaining as much as he was.

 

He doesn't even feel sick now and Jennifer says his tests came back normal like everyone else. Must have just been low blood sugar that caused him to pass out in the rescue Jumper. Actually, he feels downright chipper... almost... happy.

 

Despite the fact that he's wearing a hospital gown and lying on a gurney, Rodney feels completely unselfconscious and humorous; flirting easily with Jennifer.

 

When the food she ordered him arrives, he jokes, "Just what the doctor ordered." 

 

"Funny." Jennifer laughs.

 

"Do you want my fruit cup?" Rodney lifts it up to her.

 

"No, no, no." She waves him back.

 

"I think you do." Rodney teases.

 

"Eating from the patient's tray is kind of frowned upon." Jennifer replies with mock seriousness.

 

"Jennifer, we practically dated." He insinuates effortlessly. 

 

"You bought me one drink." She smiles in amusement, "That's hardly dating."

 

Right, so now, I'm asking you to have dinner with me." Rodney shakes the fruit cup, "I mean, such as it is."

 

Jennifer actually appears charmed by is manner and sits on the side of the bed taking the dessert, "I do love the fruit cup."

 

"Not that this is exactly the kind of dinner I had in mind," Rodney continues, "but…"

 

"Is that an invitation?" Jennifer gives him a sly look.

 

"Only if you promise to accept." Rodney grins.

 

.  
.

 

Everything is great the next few days.

 

Rodney finds himself getting along with everyone at work, even making them laugh. His mood is bright and uncharacteristically optimistic. Maybe he could even get over this heartbreak with John somehow.

 

With his newfound confidence, he considers taking a risk and asking Jennifer out on a real date. The thought of being rejected still terrifies him but he thinks he might just be able to get up the nerve.

 

Sending a happy message to Jeanie, Rodney finds himself feeling overly sentimental, gushing about how much he loves her, how he can't wait to see her and the rest of the family again. He revels in how well things are going for him, despite the fact that he and Katie are no longer seeing each other.

 

Rambling on, he begins to confide that there is someone he plans to ask out -someone who might even say yes.

 

"Of course, the person I really want to be with isn't interested in me." Rodney laughs, "But isn't that the story of my life."

 

"Well…" he pauses, "we did almost kiss not that ago… I still don't know what to think about that.

 

I mean, basically I've been in love with… this person, for years. We always get _so_ close, but it never happens… One time, a few years back, when _I_ tried to kiss hi-, eh, them, they totally freaked out on me. So, now I'm trying to be content with friendship, because, well, we are pretty close...

 

But it's so weird, …I mean, I really thought something _was_ about to happen when we almost… Ah, never mind all that. I should've known, that's just how... how my friend is.

 

I think I'm going to set aside my unrequited love once and for all", Rodney lifts his chin with an air of dignified resignation, "I bet by my next message, I'll have something juicy to tell you. Probably just another epic rejection, but you never know, could be a new girl in my life…

 

Well, until then please send more videos of Madison playing the piano, I love them and she's too adorable. I really love you and the whole family so much. Okay, talk to you soon, Jeanie!"

 

Everything is great, really great.

 

Except Rodney starts to notice some weird memory lapses. Maybe he's just being paranoid, but he's definitely been more absentminded and less focused.

 

He visits Jennifer in the infirmary with the idea that maybe they should start some kind of daily monitoring regime to make sure nothing is medically wrong. This will also give him the added benefit of having the excuse to come see her every day.

 

She immediately agrees, seeming more than a little concerned about some of the incidents he's described to her.

 

"That just doesn't sound like you, Rodney." Jennifer shakes her head, "I don't want to feed too much into your genius complex here, but we all know how sharp your mind is. I want to conduct some more tests to see if something could be causing this degree of mild memory loss."

 

.

.

 

Day 1:

"It's recording" Jennifer smiles as she holds the video camera.

 

"Well, aren't you supposed to say 'Action' or something?" Rodney teases her lightheartedly. "Oh sorry. Kidding. Okay, here we go...

 

My name is Dr. Rodney McKay. I am head of science and research departments here in Atlantis, in the Pegasus galaxy, in the local cluster, in the universe as we know it. Um, the purpose of this log is to provide a baseline for myself and for Dr. Keller to monitor the progress of my, um, uh, memory loss."

 

Rodney laughs at himself for drawing a momentary blank while talking about memory loss, "Ironic, isn't it? Um, by reciting the aforementioned, as well as a list of things I know like the back of my hand, starting with Pi, to, say, 12 decimals. 3.1415926535…"

 

.

.

 

Day 4:

Though Rodney still feels in good humor, he knows something is wrong with his mind. Something that's getting worse. He's trying to stay optimistic that Jennifer will get to the bottom of whatever's going on with him. But if it weren't for John staying with him every night and tending to him constantly, honestly Rodney doesn't know what he'd do.

 

"Rodney." John's voice pulls him back from his thoughts, "You're doing that staring thing again."

 

He blinks, looking over to John sitting next to him on the couch; then frowns, hunching his shoulders in as he apologizes, "Sorry. I just... the truth of it is, I'm starting to get kind of scared that I'm not gonna get better."

 

John slides his arm around Rodney's shoulders and pulls him close, "Hey, We're going to figure this out, okay?" He rubs Rodney's back with a reassuring sway, "You''ll be back to making condescending comments to me in no time."

 

"Am I really that bad?" Rodney asks sadly.

 

"No!" John squeezes his other arm around him to give Rodney a full hug, "Well, yeah, but that's part of your charm, I'm kinda used to it and I'd miss it if you didn't throw one my way every once and a while."

 

Shaking his head, Rodney worries, "I'm not me anymore, I don't feel the same and... what if I'm not coming back?"

 

John's hand lifts up to touch the side of Rodney's face as he stares at him intently, "Then I'll be here to remind you." He suddenly wraps Rodney in a tight grip, "I won't let you go. Promise."

 

Back when they were in Scotland, John said he'd never leave him; Rodney gives a small sigh and lets his head fall into John's chest, "You promise?"

 

"Promise" John pulls the blanket around both of them; his head leans down into the embrace and Rodney can feel John's lips resting lightly against his collarbone.

 

He loves it when John holds him like this. He... Well, he loves John. Rodney wants to tell him that right now. What if he's dying and he never gets the chance? If he doesn't get better he has to tell John how much he means to him, he has to...

 

"You tired?" John's lips murmur against his shoulder.

 

"Mmm" It's late but Rodney's afraid to sleep, he feels so much safer here in John's arms, "Let's watch one more movie first."

 

John moves to activate the playback, then settles back into their repose with his arms wrapped protectively around him. As the film starts, Rodney closes his eyes and snuggles closer.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

Day 5:

Reaching for the clicker and turning off the movie, John keeps running one hand over Rodney's hair.

 

"I guess it's over?" Rodney sounds sad as he tilts his head from John's lap and looks up.

 

Ever since John's realized that something was medically wrong with Rodney, he's been sleeping on this couch. During the day he spends as much time in the infirmary as possible. ,Jennifer's told him that whenever he leaves, Rodney becomes distraught.

 

He does whatever he can while Jennifer tries to work out a treatment; helping Rodney remember when he forgets something, running errands for him, and generally trying to keep him distracted and entertained from this problem they haven't been able to solve.

 

"I feel... scared to move." Rodney looks up apologetically, "I know it sounds stupid. But I feel like if I can just hold on..." his hand squeezes into John's leg, "to something... then, then I won't lose anything else. I won't slip away."

 

Honestly, John is just as scared. He bows his head down, his lips resting on Rodney's forehead.

 

He finds himself gripping Rodney as tightly as he can, "I've got you. I won't let you go, okay." It feels like maybe... if he just holds him close enough, nothing can take Rodney away from him. 

 

Rodney heaves a big sigh of relief, his head seems to tilt up slightly, as if he is enjoying the feeling of John's face against his, "Keep holding me like this?" he asks in a fragile voice.

 

"Always" John's breath warms across Rodney's skin. His body presses closer as he cradles Rodney in his lap, he could hold him like this all night.

 

Still keeping his arms tight around Rodney, John trails is fingers across the soft skin of Rodney's brow, pulling them back through his hair and gently repeating the motion.

 

"Mmmm" Rodney makes a contented noise like he's half asleep, "Ss like Scotland... mmm you never left. 'N said you'd never leave... me."

 

John sweeps his hand possessively across Rodney's head and down the back of his neck, "I won't", Nestled against Rodney, he can't stop himself from giving a soft and reverent kiss to his brow, "I could never."

 

"Mmmm..." Rodney adjusts his head on John's lap, "'N-your a... a good pillow." His arms squeeze around John's waist.

 

A small exhale of amusement causes John's stomach to move, "Good" he murmurs into Rodney's ear, "That's what I was going for."

 

"Mmmm"

 

"Hold on." John reaches for the tangled blanket, pulling it back over Rodney's shoulders, "Better?"

 

"Mmmm" 

 

He can feel Rodney's head give a slight nod.

 

"M there's something... 'fore I forget." Rodney mumbles through a relaxed and sleepy sigh, "wanted to, to tell you.. while I still can 'member."

 

"It's okay." John kisses Rodney's temple, "You don't have to remember anything right now. It's all okay."

 

"Um, butsssomething I wanted to say... 'S important... tell you...while I still, still can."

 

"Okay, it's okay." He knows Rodney gets upset when he can't remember something and wishes he wouldn't push himself right now; he wants to make him feel safe, "I've got you."

 

"Mmmkay" Rodney moans.

 

A short time later Rodney's breath becomes heavy and begins to make a cute little noise from his throat. Not really a snore. Just the occasional irregular soft flutter. John's slept in Rodney's room plenty of times and never heard it before. Maybe because it's so quiet. Or maybe Rodney is dreaming differently tonight.

 

Wherever his mind is right now, John hopes he's at peace. To perpetuate the feeling, he keeps petting Rodney's head. He won't let go, he won't ever let him go.

 

As the hours tick by, Rodney becomes heavy and still. The room is completely silent. John's back is beginning to hurt from holding himself in this position for so long.

 

Suddenly his stomach growls and the sound seems thunderous in the dim room. Oh. Right. He forgot to eat anything for dinner.

 

Adjusting himself slightly, a spasm of pain twists in his back. Ow. Okay, maybe he could slide out from under Rodney's head for a moment. Grab something to eat without waking him. He could come back and sleep on the floor next to the couch.

 

Testing the waters, John lifts Rodney's head. Good, he's completely out. He presses his legs up slightly and scoots out from under, gently lowering Rodney back onto a real pillow. John kneels down and tucks the slipping blanket back around him.

 

God. Rodney looks so beautiful and perfect right now, like nothing is wrong. There is a physical, tangible ache in John's chest as he watches him sleep. It hurts thinking of all the things he's left unsaid. 

 

"I won't lose you" John whispers possessively and winces his eyes shut.

 

He places his hand softly on the side of Rodney's face, "I told you once before but you wouldn't remember even if you weren't sick..." His finger traces the line of Rodney's angled cheek, "God, I'm in love with you. I have been for some time now, I just wish I could tell you..."

 

John leans forward and rests his head on Rodney's chest, "Don't ever leave me, okay?" A swell of emotion rips through him and tears spring to his eyes. "Just get better, nothing matters without you."

 

The sound of a choke catches in John's throat and he stills himself, not wanting to wake Rodney up. "Okay" he whispers, "I'm just gonna get something to eat and I'll be right back, okay?"

 

Rodney's chest is still rising and falling in a perfect rhythm of deep sleep. John carefully creeps out of the room. Then quickly making his way to his quarters, he changes into a pair of long sweatpants and a comfortable T-shirt before he grabs a snack out of his little mini-fridge. 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Waking up with a jolt, Rodney looks around the darkened room in fear. He's alone. Earlier... there were people here visiting. What were they talking about? He can't remember. 

 

But John, John stayed. Why isn't he here? What's happened? Oh God. Rodney starts to hyperventilate. 

 

He has that feeling again... sliding into the abyss, oblivion. Jumping up off the couch, he's suddenly terrified that everyone on Atlantis is gone. He knows it's irrational... But what if there's no one left but him and he just can't remember why... 

 

Running through the halls in panic, he calls out, "John? John?"

 

Out of breath and confused he tries to find the way to John's quarters. Oh-God-Oh-God-Oh-God. Wait. This looks right. It has to be his place. 

 

"John! John!" Rodney's panic is rising to a fevered pitch, a sheen of sweat breaks out over his skin and he feels cold.

 

Forgetting to ring the bell, he pounds on the heavy metal door, frantically banging on the entrance, "John!"

 

The door opens. Rodney steps forward, feeling John grabbing him by the shoulders.

 

He tries to explain, "You were there, and then, then you…"

 

"Rodney, Rodney," John holds him steady, "I'm right here. What's wrong?"

 

In terror, Rodney tries to remember, "I woke up, everyone had left!"

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John exhales with guilt, nodding his head. He should never have left, what was he thinking? Rodney needs him.

 

"Buddy, I'm… I'm sorry, I thought you had fallen asleep."

 

Rodney walks into the room with his head in his hands, "I was… I got so scared." He lifts his head to look back at John.

 

To project the love he feels, John places a hand on Rodney's shoulder.

 

Biting back the tears, Rodney admits, "I was sure that by morning what was left of my mind was gonna be gone!" 

 

"I'm going to take you back to your quarters, okay?" John keeps his voice soft to calm Rodney down.

 

He'll make sure he plans better next time, he can't leave Rodney by himself again. Jesus. He was just assuring Rodney how he wouldn't ever leave... and then he just goes and leaves him to wake up alone.

 

"John, John," Rodney clasps his arm, "I've never been so scared. I'm slipping away. I'm slipping away, and I don't know how to stop myself!"

 

Holding onto Rodney's forearms, John tries to comfort him; he squeezes Rodney protectively, "Look, you're still here. All right? You're still here."

 

"Yeah. I am." Rodney catches his breath and starts to seem less distressed.

 

"And I'm not going anywhere." Wide eyed, John holds onto Rodney intently.

 

He hopes Rodney will remember this old reference, a phrase Rodney once told John when he was scared to be alone, "You know, you want to hang out, you just hang out."

 

"I don't know what to do." Rodney looks so lost, "I don't know what to do with myself. I'm… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have woken you up." He starts to move like he plans to go.

 

"All right," John stops Rodney before he can leave, "Look, it's a nice night out. Let's go have some beer on the pier, okay?" He grips onto Rodney's shoulders, more firmly this time, to make sure he knows John isn't letting him go anywhere alone.

 

As he grabs some beer out of his mini-fridge, Rodney asks, "I drink beer?" He sounds baffled by the idea.

 

Glad some part of Rodney remembers how he rarely drinks, John lies, "Yeah, a lot." Even though Rodney is a lightweight John thinks a drink would do him some good.

 

Rodney's wearing a short sleeved shirt and John knows he gets cold easily, so he tosses him one of his jackets, "Take this"

 

With a six-pack in hand, John wraps his other arm around Rodney's back, guiding him, "Come on, buddy, let's go."

 

He takes them on their usual route to the North pier where they dangle their feet over the edge of the water. After having a beer Rodney almost seems like himself again.

 

John opens a second can and hands it to him.

 

"I don't know, should I have another?" Rodney looks doubtful.

 

"What could happen?" John opens one for himself as well.

 

"I shouldn't have banged on your door like that, I feel ridiculous."

 

"Don't." John stops him.

 

Rodney sighs, "I've been trying to remember the name of my sister's kid."

 

"Betty." John picks a name at random.

 

"Betty." Rodney repeats the name with care, then squints at John, "Pretty sure that's not it."

 

"It's Madison." John peers back, pleased that Rodney still has his instincts, "See? At least you remembered what it wasn't."

 

"It's an underrated skill." Rodney smiles.

 

"I'm just saying you may not be as far gone as you think." John feels like he's trying to convince himself as much as he is Rodney.

 

"I'm hiding it." Rodney tells him urgently, "Believe me, I've already forgotten more than most people will ever know, and I know that sounds… arrogant, is that right?"

 

"Yeah. That works." John gives a low laugh.

 

"This morning I was trying to help Zelenka finish a device that was apparently my idea. I was... useless…. Jennifer says it's going to get worse now almost by the hour. In a week or so, I won't even remember my name."

 

As John looks at the man he loves, a grimace of pain passes across his face. He can't let himself think that way. They're going to beat this thing. There's got to be a cure.

 

But in his chest John feels a cold dread at the thought of losing Rodney forever. His face falls and he looks down to the water.

 

"How's about… How about we say goodbye now?" Rodney asks.

 

"No." his voice comes out like a little kid protesting the inevitable.

 

"What do you mean 'No'?" Rodney balks at his refusal.

 

"I mean I'm not saying goodbye." John answers rebelliously; he can't do it, he won't.

 

"I'm saying it anyway." Rodney persists.

 

"Well, I'm not listening." John hears his voice get louder and more petulant; he doesn't care how stupid it is but it feels like if he refuses to accept this that, well that maybe he has some control over it.

 

"Yeah, but pretty soon I won't even know who you are." Rodney argues.

 

"Then I'll remind you." John turns his face away to hide his emotions and mashes his lips together.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney doesn't understand why John won't do this for him, "Yeah, but I don't want you to see me like that, I want you to remember me as I am, as your genius friend."

 

"Not happening." John sounds like a stern soldier. 

 

"Please." Rodney begs.

 

"You're stuck with me, Rodney!" John shouts. Then his voice lowers to a softer pitch, "Just accept it."

 

"Yeah but-"

 

"NO!" John's thunderous and insistent tone cuts Rodney off. To make his point, John puts up a finger and whispers hoarsely, "That's final."

 

"Okay." Rodney shakes his head sadly; he'd really wanted to say goodbye, to tell John everything he feels before it's too late, before he forgets. It pains him not to be able to say how much he really loves him. In his whole life he's never loved anyone or anything more.

 

But John just looks relieved that Rodney has stopped fighting him over this as he drinks from his beer can again.

 

 _'Fine. John doesn't want to deal with emotions. What else is new?'_ But Rodney has to get through to him somehow. Maybe if he turns it into a joke, something that will make him laugh, he can still convey how much John means to him.

 

He recalls a reference from 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe'. Funny the things you remember when you're losing your mind. He forgets his sister's kid but everything about the plot of that science fiction book is crystal clear right now. Like how the number 42 is the answer to life, the universe and everything.

 

Keeping a straight face, he tells him, "You're a good friend, Arthur."

 

For a moment John looks like he doesn't know what to think, then he spits out his beer, laughing with Rodney.

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 5, during episode 6 "The Shrine"  
> .


	9. Next of kin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney knows he doesn't have much time left, what remains of his mind is almost gone; but before it's too late he finally speaks the words he's longed to tell John and confesses his love._  
> .

.  
.

Day 6:

Rodney's fears from the night before turn out to be prophetic. By the next evening, he is feeling almost intoxicated, his mood is... silly and he finds himself laughing too easily. But things are only coming to him in fragments now, he can feel his mind is going.

 

From moment to moment he doesn't even seem to be able to remember what he's saying or doing. Frequently he becomes confused about who he is talking to. In order to stabilize himself, he often repeates the name of the person present with him. At least when he can remember what their name is.

 

At least he hasn't forgotten John yet.

 

Complaining to the woman taping him with a video camera, he jokes, "Remind me to register a complaint with whoever's idea this was."

 

"Ah, it was yours, actually." She explains. 

 

... Jennifer, that's who he's talking with, he remembers now, "Oh. Oh… Well, complaint duly registered" Rodney thinks his voice sounds cartoonish.

 

"It was a good idea to keep a record of what's happening to you and how fast, but if you'd rather not…"

 

"No, it's fine." Rodney mumbles, "It's fine. Start with my name, right?"

 

"Right."

 

"I remembered something." Rodney brightens, speaking in his childish voice, "Yea! My name is Doctor Rodney McKay."

 

He continues, "I'm head of the department of science something in Atlantis, in the, um…. For God's sake… In the Pegasus galaxy."

 

"Okay, not bad, keep going."

 

It's taken all his concentration just to recount that basic information. He tries his best to focus. But there's something else. Something more important than any of this. And he's afraid it will slip away before he can utter it.

 

Concentrating again he repeats the name of the woman he's talking to, "Jennifer, there's…"

 

There's something he wanted to tell John before he loses the chance, "There's something I wanted to...um..."

 

He has to tell John before his mind disappears and is gone forever, "You know, while I remember, while I still can, something I wanted to say before..."

 

"Go ahead." she reassures him.

 

Smiling, he sees John in his mind; the boyish, playful, charismatic face that makes his heart swell… The strong, lean figure that makes Rodney's cock hard….

 

He knows John's not really here with him now, he's only talking to a camera. But John can watch it later. All that matters is that he says it before everything is gone. Then John will know.

 

"I… love you, I've loved you for some time now."

 

There. He's finally said it.

 

But now he feels confused again, forgetting where he is.

 

Okay, okay... He's in the medical lab with…. with, what's her name? Jennifer. Right. And what had they been talking about?

 

Oh. The, uh, the thing, the thing he says to the camera about his job or whatever.

 

"Okay," Rodney blinks to try to focus his scattered thoughts, "where was I?"

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Day 10:

John's never known how to say goodbye, but after talking with Jennifer in detail about Rodney's prognosis, he regrets it.

 

He regrets not saying goodbye when Rodney had asked him to. He regrets not telling him how much he loves him before it was too late. He can barely handle the grief, but he tries to stay strong for Rodney because that's what he needs from him now.

 

Spending most of his time in the infirmary helping Jennifer tend to him, John rarely leaves his side. But it seems like Rodney is barely with them anymore. He often talks in partial sentences, familiar words, strung together in pieces.

 

Other moments he is more lucid. He always tries his best when Jennifer is recording him. But the disease is taking it's toll. His moods are getting erratic. Sometimes he throws things and screams in frustration. Sometimes he just cries. But John is always there to hold him.

 

He knows it's time to send Jeanie a message and talks to Woolsey about getting word to her, bringing her to Atlantis. She deserves the chance to say _some_ kind of goodbye before Rodney... God. He can't even think about it. But Jennifer really thinks he's dying.

 

John won't let himself think like that. There's still a chance, a hope that Jennifer will find a of solution to counteract the parasite growing in Rodney's brain. Until then he just needs to make sure Rodney never wakes up scared or alone. John will be there whenever he needs him.

 

.

.

 

Day 20:

John greets Jeanie warmly when she arrives and takes her to the medical observation area. Jennifer wants to play her a tape first, to lessen the shock and give her some idea of Rodney's state before she sees her brother.

 

He stands close to Jeanie as Jennifer puts in the tape.

 

Rodney would want him to be strong for her, to give his sister some comfort. He can't come apart right now or lose himself in his own grief, not while there's anything that can still be done to lesson Rodney or Jeanie's pain.

 

Jeanie frowns at the screen as the tape begins to play.

 

_"You can go ahead Rodney." Jennifer urges._

 

_Rodney looks so perplexed. "I don't remember where to start."_

 

_"Sure you do." Jennifer speaks like a teacher to a young child._

 

_"No." He retorts in a voice that is strangely child-like._

 

_Jennifer reminds him, "Start with your name like we've been doing, okay? And we'll just go from there."_

 

_"My name…" the reply is halting, slurred, "My name is… Mr. Rodney McKay"_

 

_"No." Jennifer corrects him like he's gotten the answer to a test question wrong._

 

_"Yes." Rodney's eyes are dull, unfocused._

 

_"Come on, now." Jennifer uses an encouraging tone, "You're 'DR'. McKay, remember?"_

 

_He rocks from side to side, "No, I'm… I'm not 'nymore. I'm not... smart anymore. Doctors are smart, so'm... mister now."_

 

_"Okay." Jennifer sounds sad but she doesn't argue._

 

_"I use to be the smartest person ever." Rodney is pained and confused as he tries to think, "And… And now, and now, 'm not."_

 

_"That's what we're trying to fix, right?"_

 

_"No." Rodney rubs his neck, "No, you can't fix me."_

 

_"You know we're trying our very best-"_

 

_"No, you can't." Suddenly Rodney is disturbed, rocking his whole body, "You can't. You can't."_

 

_"It's okay." Jennifer tries to distract him, "Rodney, what's the next thing you're supposed to say?"_

 

_"Where…" Looking around the room in a panic Rodney asks, "Where did John go?"_

 

God. It breaks John's heart watching this. Any time he'd had to leave, even for a minute, Jennifer would tell him how emotional and upset Rodney would get. He remembers that day. When he came back in, Rodney had just thrown his chair across the room.

 

_"He just had to go away for a few minutes." Jennifer answers in a placating tone, "He'll be right-"_

 

_"John!" Rodney looks so terrified and alone John wants to reach through the screen and hug him._

 

_"Rodney, I'M your friend," Jennifer says firmly, "I'm right here."_

 

_Tears begin to well up in Rodney's eyes, "Where are you John?!... JOHN!"_

 

Jennifer stops the footage telling Jeanie it only got worse from there.

 

It's gut wrenching for John watching this footage from 5 days ago. Why had he left Rodney that day? It hadn't been for long, but it was enough for Rodney to have felt abandoned. It feels like he's failed completely.

 

He wants to rage but stays silent with his soldier's face. Jeanie is here and it's _her_ time to grieve.

 

Jeanie looks up in anger, "Why the hell didn't you tell me my brother was this far gone?"

 

"It happened pretty fast, Jeanie" John answers mournfully.

 

"No, I…" Jeanie gestures to the video screen, "I got a message from him just a couple of weeks ago. He… He seemed perfectly fine. He'd never been so nice."

 

"That would have been shortly after he became infected." Jennifer answers, "I didn't recognize the symptoms in time."

 

John knows that Jennifer is blaming herself again, she's said it to him enough times. But she's done everything she could; John's been there with her every step of the way watching her emotional distress as she's toiled day and night.

 

So once again he tells her that it's not her fault.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

Maybe her anger is misplaced, but Jeanie feels antagonistic towards this doctor Keller. Surely they could have tried something else, or someone else to help him when they saw he wasn't getting better.

 

She turns her attention away from the doctor as Mr. Woolsey speaks to her, "Frankly, Mrs. Miller, we contacted you as soon as we became aware of the seriousness of his condition. In fact, Daedalus dropped you off at the first available gate in Pegasus because we were concerned that you wouldn't make it here in time. We thought you deserved a chance to say goodbye."

 

Reeling with grief, Jeanie watches her brother on the video monitor. He is sitting in a wheelchair, looking frail as Dr. Keller goes into the room to speak with him.

 

"Dr. Keller wanted to take a moment to prepare him for your visit." Woolsey explains.

 

"Yeah," Jeanie nods her head, "I um, think I need a moment myself…"

 

Crestfallen, Jeanie makes her way down to the room and pulls a chair close to her brother, "Meredith? It's me. It's Jeanie, I'm…"

 

"You're my... sister" Rodney seems to rouse from his stupor.

 

"Yes." Jeanie brightens that he recognizes her.

 

Rodney struggles, his voice sounding thick, "Meredith's my... real name."

 

"It's your first name, that's right… but you never liked it."

 

"No." Rodney stumbles on the words, "No, 's a girl's name."

 

"Sometimes, yes." Jeanie smiles and nods trying to keep herself from crying, "But, you go by Rodney."

 

Her brother goes vacant again mumbling over and over, "Rodney McKay. Mr. Rodney McKay. Rodney McKay. Rodney McKay."

 

Then he stops and Jeanie realizes that he is looking at her again, "You're crying because of me?" he asks.

 

"No," she can't stop the tears streaming down her cheeks, "I'm crying because I missed you very much."

 

"'Cause you're my sister." Rodney puzzles.

 

"That's right." Jeanie talks through her tears, trying to act normal, to make _him_ feel normal... or at least less... Oh God.

 

"I'm… sick…"

 

"I know. I know. I'm here now… I'm… sweetie." Jeanie can't do it anymore she's going to start sobbing, "I just need to go outside for one second, okay? I will be right back. I promise."

 

She runs from the room. Ronon is there and catches her in his arms. She tries to say something, but loses control, sobbing into his chest.

 

"I just need a second." She pulls back telling him, "I just don't want him to see…"

 

"I know how you feel." he tells her "I felt the same way."

 

"I'll go back in." Jeanie tries to compose herself, "I will. He needs me, and I want to be able to say goodbye, but it's like… It's like he's already gone."

 

"I know." Ronon's voice is warm with compassion, and he looks at her pointedly, "There's a way."

 

"What?" Jeanie blinks up through her tears, "How?"

 

"It's a place. I've been there before. He'll be himself again, and you can say goodbye."

 

"I don't understand," Jeanie wipes her face, "then why haven't you already taken him?"

 

"Because it's dangerous, but I'm willing to risk it if you are."

 

.

.

 

Later that night, Jeanie knocks on the infirmary door to have an honest talk with Doctor Keller. She is shown a scan of the parasite and Jennifer begins explaining how her brother's condition will deteriorate. Soon his organs will begin shutting down and he will lose control of all bodily functions.

 

Jeanie interrupts, "Ronon's people call the disease second childhood."

 

"You talked to Ronon." Jennifer sounds dismissive.

 

"Yes."

 

"Okay", Jennifer begins, "I know what he's told you-"

 

"That he's dying, and there's nothing you can do."

 

"No," Jennifer is emphatic, "he's dying and I'm doing _everything_ I can."

 

"I have to ask you." Jeanie can't hide the hostility in her voice, "Why did you tell me you didn't recognize the symptoms in time?"

 

Folding her arms defensively Jennifer begins, "Because he was already showing the signs when he came back from the mission, and…. I didn't see it"

 

Jennifer goes on to admit she let her personal feelings get in the way because she was infatuated by how open and approachable Rodney was being.

 

"If I wasn't so taken by the new Rodney McKay, the parasite might have been small enough for me to operate without causing significant brain trauma. By the time he started to forget, it was too late."

 

She tries to tell Jeanie that she hasn't given up on a treatment, but Jeanie has other things she wants to discuss, "Ronon told me about this place that could give Mere one more day as himself again before he dies."

 

Jennifer objects but Jeanie cuts her off brusquely, "And that you're the one who won't let him go."

 

Keller goes quiet under Jeanie's stare.

 

"I just have one more question." Jeanie asks.

 

"Sure." Jennifer nods.

 

"How long have you been on Atlantis?"

 

Jennifer frowns in confusion, "I don't see what that has to do with-"

 

Jeanie narrows her eyes fiercely and Jennifer buckles, "Uh, I guess about a year."

 

"Thank you." Jeanie nods tersely and promptly leaves the infirmary.

 

So despite Jennifer's crush on her brother, she's not the unrequited love he told her about. Maybe she's the woman Mere was planning to ask out, but not the one he really loves.

 

She isn't surprised.

 

Something about the way Mere avoided pronouns made Jeanie think it might be a man. He'd had a boyfriend in college but she doesn't know if he's dated any men since then. Mostly he's talked about women, had a few girlfriends... though few and far between. She'd supposed that his interest in men was probably just a phase… until now.

 

Remembering the desperate way he'd been calling for John on that tape, she wonders if he's the one Mere loves. The two of them have been working together for over 4 years. It would fit. God, there's something so hopelessly sad about the fact that she'll never know who this person was that her brother cared for so deeply.

 

She sighs; it's all too late now. She'll never get that next message from him with all the juicy details... she'll never get to hear when he finally finds that person that makes him happy.

 

These kinds of things shouldn't matter when there's so little time left. But all she can think about is everything that _could_ have been, the life she wanted her brother to live, the life she was just beginning to be a part of again. Jeanie covers her face with her hands and sobs.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John has been touched by the display of loyalty and dedication Ronon has shown for Rodney throughout this ordeal. He seems determined not to let Rodney down. He's so dead set on giving Rodney his one last chance to say goodbye 'with honor'; the way Ronon says his grandfather once did after contracting the parasite.

 

Although Woolsey is skeptical about the existence of this healing shrine, Ronon is adamant it's power is real. He insists the place will offer the gift of one last day of health, followed by a quick death. Even though the planet is overrun by Wraith now, he won't give up until they find a way to bring Rodney there.

 

When John questions the logistics, Ronon gets hotheaded and yells, "I owe him this! I'll take him myself."

 

"Hold on, hold on." John stops Ronon before he can leave, "We know for a fact that there are 2 Hive ships and 10,000 Wraith on the ground." John wants to do this too but they need a solid plan.

 

"Fine make your plan." Ronon grunts.

 

Interjecting into the conversation, Jennifer is firm that Rodney isn't going anywhere without her permission. As far as she is concerned, unless Rodney explicitly consents, he is staying put. She takes them all to the infirmary to make her point.

 

She steps up to the bed first, telling Rodney that John is here. Since his presence is one of the only things that can rouse him from his stupor, Rodney immediately brightens as John walks up to the gurney. John wishes so much he could just take Rodney in his arms, but in front of everyone else all he can do is smile back fondly.

 

They try to discuss the plan with Rodney but he is unable to comprehend anything at this point. John is shaken by the sight of him mumbling and staring off in the distance. They have nothing to lose now; Rodney is so far gone.

 

Jennifer insists that without consent, she will not let him go and that is final. John envies her as she protectively returns to Rodney's side, petting the back of his head. Even now, he burns with jealousy.

 

But Jeanie has other plans. As the next of kin, it is her decision to make and no one else has a right to interfere. She has a talk with Jennifer and sets her straight. 

 

They end up using a MALP to distract the Wraith while John flies a cloaked Jumper into the wormhole. He pilots through the valley until they find the location Ronon described. The terrain is difficult, he lands as close as he can, but they have to walk the rest of the way.

 

Rodney is frail and it takes some time to maneuver him up the path and into the cave or 'shrine' as Ronon calls it. As they approach they pick up some strange radiation readings coming from the interior.

 

John slings his arm around Rodney's shoulder to usher him in as Rodney is distraught and confused, "John?"

 

"Just hang in there buddy." John grips him more tightly.

 

Inside the cave, Rodney begins stuttering that he wants to go. John asks him to wait just a little longer. Suddenly Rodney is screaming, grasping his head. Jeanie reaches out to help John hold him upright.

 

Then Rodney's violent shaking stops, he straightens up, looking at his sister, "Jeanie?"

 

"I'm here Mere." She answers in wonder.

 

"Yeah, obviously." Rodney is sarcastic.

 

"He's back." John whispers to Jeanie in excitement.

 

He looks at Rodney and wishes he could be alone with him. Just for a moment to hold him and express his love… It's a selfish thought, they're here for Jeanie.

 

"Will someone please tell me what the hell we're all doing here?" Rodney demands.

 

Ronon explains they are in the Shrine of Talus and Rodney gets annoyed.

 

"Thank you, Mr. Information. Since when did he become Ronon the Explainer, and why am I not in the infirmary? What am I, better?... I AM better!"

 

Jennifer breaks the news to him that he is not.

 

"Mere," Jeanie steps forward, "we brought you here so we could have a chance to say goodbye to each other… but you're only going to feel like this for about a day. That's just how it works."

 

"What?!" Rodney looks at them in betrayal.

 

"What do you remember?" John asks gently.

 

He turns to John sharply, "I remember you not wanting me to say goodbye then. Why now, all of the sudden? Look, and why one day? What's with that?"

 

Teyla speaks, "It is the gift of the shrine and from all of us who risked great danger to bring you here, one last chance to be with those you love."

 

"And then what?" Rodney falters as he sees the solemn faces of his friends and gasps, "I die?!"

 

"With honor." Ronon tells him.

 

"And dignity." Teyla chimes in.

 

"Yeah, well screw that," Rodney sputters, "I'll just stay here."

 

"It doesn't work that way." Ronon answers with a heavy voice.

 

"Why not?" Rodney demands.

 

John tells him that this is a Wraith controlled planet.

 

"And we're detecting ionizing radiation…" Jeanie explains, "In fact, we shouldn't be standing this close to the shrine."

 

After a mini rant about the unfairness of the situation Rodney calms down, "Look, I'm sorry, I just… I thought I was going to be okay, and now you tell me..."

 

He looks around, "Do you have some kind of itinerary planned?"

 

"Well," John looks to the food, "actually, we're going to have a big feast first."

 

"Last supper, huh?" Rodney sounds tired.

 

John walks to get the provisions, "Well, suits your messiah complex."

 

"True." Rodney admits.

 

"Please don't be mad at me." Jeanie begs her brother.

 

"I guess if I had to choose the people I would spend my last day with, then…" Rodney trails off distracted by the sound of Jennifer taking sensor readings.

 

Ronon calls him back to come join the party and have some fun, but Rodney is taking his own readings now, "Hey, for me this _is_ fun. Just save me some ham."

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 5, during episode 5 "The Shrine"  
> .


	10. Resurrection song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _What was it Ronon said about making it to 'the other side'? John has to believe there's some point to finally getting through all of this emotional wreckage._  
>  _Even if Rodney isn't going to be there waiting for him._  
> 

.  
.

John looks up from slicing the ham and sees Jennifer directing Rodney toward the exit of the cave.

 

_'What the hell is she doing? They proved the place works and this is what Rodney wants!'_

 

Before he can stop them, Rodney collapses in pain.

 

Rushing to his side, John pulls him back to the interior.

 

"Why did you do that?" Jeanie angrily turns to Jennifer.

 

Jennifer explains herself.

 

She believes the radiation in the cave is causing the parasite to contract back into itself but she wanted to be sure. This means Rodney will probably die if he tries to leave the shrine. But she thinks while he's here, the parasite is small enough to be removed and wants to bring back supplies to operate on him.

 

Unfortunately John has to explain there is no way to reach Atlantis; the Wraith are not likely to fall for the same trap twice, "Even if somehow they don't pick up on our radio signal, and even if the second Jumper makes it through the gauntlet, they're gonna know we're here."

 

If they are going to operate on Rodney, they'll have to make do with whatever supplies they've brought with them.

 

He can't believe Jennifer is so ready to give up when he tells her this; she doesn't think it's possible to operate.

 

 "Look, if we don't do something… he's dead." John looks at her in disbelief; they have to try and he insists they'er going to find a way.

 

.

.

 

When Rodney sees the tools John has brought back from the Jumper he seems to give up on the idea too.

 

Taking the power drill in hand he tells John, "Look, my brain is not some new deck off the back of your house."

 

"I'm not the one doing the surgery." John shakes his head softly; he isn't going to let Rodney give up on this.

 

"Yeah," Rodney points the drill at Jennifer, "and as my parting advice, you need to stop letting these guys talk you into doing stupid things."

 

"I can do it." Jennifer says with newfound confidence.

 

John smiles. He's glad his talk with Jennifer got through to her; she'd been too worried about the dampness of cave, thinking infection would set in before she could complete the surgery.

 

"Really?" Rodney sounds doubtful.

 

Jeanie pipes in, "And I'm fairly sure I can modify the life signs detector."

 

"Yeah with _my_ help." Rodney quips.

 

"So help." Jeanie bristles.

 

"Look," Rodney asks Jennifer, "this isn't one of those PBS brain surgeries where my skull is wide open and we're having a conversation…"

 

Jennifer shakes her head, "I have enough anesthetic to put you out. You're not going to feel a thing."

 

"It's probably a hammer." Rodney mutters.

 

Teyla and Jeanie continue trying to reason with him and get him to agree to the operation.

 

"Look," Rodney finally admits, "obviously I'd get around to consenting. It's just you've thrown an awful lot at me all at once."

 

"That's life." Ronon offers pragmatically.

 

"All right," Rodney sighs, "well, let me have a little ham."

 

"No. No food before surgery." John gives Rodney a sympathetic pat on the shoulder before putting on medical gloves to assist Jennifer.

 

.

.

 

Once Rodney is put under, John holds his head stable and carefully places bandages around the area to be cut.

 

Jennifer makes her first incision, but before she can get very far, the modified life signs detector shows that the parasite is moving.

 

She stops cutting, "I think the parasite instinctually wants to get away from the radiation source, and we just showed it the way out."

 

"Ronon," Jennifer looks up urgently, "we're going to need that gun of yours in about 10 seconds."

 

And then a small squid looking thing crawls out of the incision in Rodney's skull. Jennifer grasps onto it with her tongs and tosses it to the middle of the room. Ronon fires, completely vaporizing the creature.

 

They all stare in shock for moment at what just happened.

 

Ronon looks at Jennifer with admiration, "You did a good job."

 

"You too." She smiles up at him with a sparkle in her eye. 

 

John can definitely see the chemistry between the two of them. Maybe Ronon's right about the timeline being different. He feels a twinge of hope that maybe after everything he might still have another chance with Rodney.

 

.

.

 

Since getting Rodney home to Atlantis, Jeanie has been making the most of the time she has with her brother. They don't get to see each other often and John doesn't want to intrude on their goodbye.

 

But as soon as Jeanie leaves John heads to the infirmary to spend some time of his own with Rodney. His heart is beating fast with all the things he wants to say.

 

His breath stops short at the entrance of the room.

 

Jennifer is sitting intimately on Rodney's bedside joking with him. She's asking if he remembers sharing the fruit cup.

 

Rodney flushes, saying he remembers how she was there for him, how kind she was.

 

The two of them stare deeply into each other's eyes.

 

On the bed, their fingers trail across each other's hands.

 

John's stomach flips, a hollow burning sensation clenches in the pit.

 

He can't deny their connection, however much he wants to.

 

Utter hopelessness sinks through his bones as he walks back to his quarters. He feels completely broken, he can't, he just can't go on like this anymore. He has to leave Atlantis; it's the only way out of this tangled emotional wreck.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney has missed Carson terribly and now that he's leaving again, it doesn't seem fair. First he gets sick, they cure him, he goes away for 6 months, now he stays a mere week before heading out to do field work.

 

And over the last week it feels like they've barely had any quality time together. He tries to persuade Carson that his place is on Atlantis, but Carson doesn't see it that way and continues to pack for his trip.

 

He insists. "As a doctor, I can't just sit by and do nothing while people in the galaxy are suffering, especially when I know I've had a hand in what's happened to them." 

 

"You cannot blame yourself, all right? Michael forced you to help him, he was the one disseminating the drug."

 

"Aye, and I'm the one who helped the Hoffans perfect it."

 

Before Rodney can offer a more effective motive to stay, John comes into the room to inform Carson that another one of Michael's labs has been discovered. The fieldwork is delayed and instead Carson leaves with John to go investigate the planet in question.

 

A few days later, when the two of them get back, Rodney is thrilled to find out that Carson will be staying another couple weeks to do research on the test subjects that were found. It will give he and Carson a chance to catch up properly.

 

Over coffee on the pier, Rodney finally gets to tell his tale about the 'almost kiss' with John and how confused he is over it. "I mean how am I supposed to take that? He holds my face in his hands, tells me needs to talk to me…

 

And I quote. 'I've needed to tell you something for some time.' Then he brushes his lips up against mine? Tell me I'm not misreading that?"

 

"Sounds clear enough," Carson frowns, "except…"

 

"Except what?"

 

"Well, he never told you what it was, and then he just backed away again. How is that any different than what he's done before? Sure, it's more flirty but-"

 

"You don't think it means anything?"

 

"Ultimately, no. Sorry Rodney, I don't think you should get your hopes up."

 

"But, it _did_ almost happen." Rodney sighs, "And, and, I've, just, ah loved him for so long… Oh, and he said something else…

 

He said 'Now that Carson's back if I'm not your best friend anymore, maybe I could be something else?' What else could that be?"

 

"Aw, I'm your best friend?" Carson smiles.

 

"Yeah, you know that" Rodney frowns, "Why do you think I don't want you to leave?"

 

"That's very kind, Rodney." Carson pulls out his dog tags, "I feel the same way but you know I wouldn't be going if I didn't believe what I was doing was important."

 

"I know, I just-"

 

"And as your best friend, I don't want to see you keep getting hurt by this. John is a very… confused person. You need to keep your distance, at least emotionally."

 

"Right, like I've been able to do that all these years."

 

"Just make an effort." Carson pleads, "Don't run toward the Tsunami, for God's sake, head to higher ground."

 

"Wow, did you come up with that metaphor just now?"

 

"Uh, yes."

 

"Hmm." Rodney nods smugly. "Yeah, I could tell." 

 

"Come on, Rodney," Carson looks exasperated, "you know what I mean."

 

"Yeah… I guess. Actually, I do kind of have a crush on Dr. Keller."

 

"Right. There you go. Walk toward the light instead."

 

"You're mixing up your metaphors there. But, ah, I might have reason to believe that, ah, she might like me. I mean, we did share a fruit cup and our fingers touched. So…"

 

"Rodney that's great news!" Carson beams, "Ask her out. In fact, I'm expecting by the next time we see each other, I want to hear progress on how things are going with Jennifer."

 

"Deal?" Carson reaches out his hand.

 

"Deal." Rodney shakes on it.

 

.

.

 

The weeks go by quickly and before he knows it, Rodney is standing over Carson's bed, watching him pack again.

 

"Hey Doc." John steps through the door.

 

Carson stops, asking John if there's another off world emergency that requires his expertise."

 

"Hmm. Actually," John tells him. "I just came to see if you needed some help." 

 

"Oh." Carson smiles. "Much appreciated." 

 

"Ah, oh, by the way, how's Porter?" John asks.

 

"Who?" Rodney looks at them both in confusion.

 

"She's fine." Carson tells John, "A couple of weeks of R & R then she'll be back in the Pegasus Galaxy. You know, Colonel, someone like her could be of real benefit to the type of work I'll be doing."

 

"I'll bet." John smirks.

 

"Who's Porter?" He can't believe that Carson didn't tell him about this.

 

"Something you might want to mention to Mr. Woolsey." Carson adds.

 

John raises his eyebrows, "Consider it done."

 

Carson follows John out the door and Rodney throws his arms to his side in frustration, "Fine, you know what? I don't even want to know. Don't tell me… Okay come on, tell me!"

 

The door shuts in his face. Rodney opens it again and rushes to catch up with Carson.

 

Before he gates out, Rodney makes him spill all the details about what happened on his last mission with this 'Dr. Porter' and gets Carson to promise to make a move before they see each other again.

 

"Deal." Carson shakes on it. 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

When the action and chaos of the recent mission is over, John is again feeling the inner storm of torment. 

 

Walking to his quarters, he pushes his emotions down as much as he can, focusing on the recent developments with the Wraith instead.

 

Todd had been skeptical that Jennifer's improvements on Carson's work would eliminate their need to feed on humans; but since their food supply is now being poisoned by Micheal's spread of the modified Hoffan virus, the Hives allied with Todd are looking for an advantage.

 

Tired, John sighs and lays down on his bed wondering if anything will come of this attempt at diplomacy. The thought of not waging war against the Wraith seems surreal. 

 

Right now he'd be content to stop the war raging inside himself. He pulls out the earbuds to his portable music device. It usually helps soothe him when he is hurting like this.

 

His thoughts drift to Dave and how much closer they've become over the last months. Feeling... more connected, it's not something he's accustomed to. In some ways it's good but it hasn't completely healed the wounds from the past.

 

There's still a deep hurt that John doesn't know what to do with. In other ways, it's worse now that there isn't anyone to be angry with.

 

Anyone other than himself, that is.

 

He feels so much loss. A loss he needs time to grieve. Mostly it's about Rodney... but also the loss of his mother, the loss of a father's love, a brother he's barely known most of his life. And Lyle's death shattered what was left of him. After Lyle and being tortured by the Taliban, John shut down completely.

 

Until Rodney brought him back.

 

John hadn't wanted to come back but Rodney filled him with life and love... Love that can never be expressed now… Because the most loving thing to do is to let Rodney be happy.

 

Losing Rodney is the most terrible pain John's ever known. Knowing that he once had a chance to win Rodney's heart but failed. He was too late, it took him too long to come back to life and feel the world around him.

 

Now John feels everything and it's unbearable, it's consuming him. But he knows Rodney believes he deserves to be forgiven even if John doesn't. Rodney sees him for who is and still accepts him.

 

It's devastating to see himself. _Can_ he see himself?

 

It seems like a moving target, distorted and out of focus. Maybe the best John can do is  hope to sort his feelings out over time. 

 

Rodney has helped him let go of the idea that he should be ashamed for wanting  another man. Though the damage from all those years of hatred and self-loathing have left their scars. 

 

He thinks Lyle would be happy to know John's changed, even if they never got a chance to be together. He knows Lyle would have wanted to, if John had been capable of admitting his feelings back then.

 

Listening to this music always makes him think of Lyle since he was the one that gave John this Mark Lanegan album. He's been playing a track called 'Resurrection Song' on repeat.

 

It's sad destructive grieving is like an opiate to his wound. Amid the despair, there is a thread of hope, a thread John is trying to hold onto. Lyle would want John to find some kind of resurrection.

 

But without Rodney, he's not sure he'll find it.

 

This feels like another weary journey in the desert. He is alone amid the remains and wreckage. No longer a passive observer, it's twisted all around him. Feeling it so intensely,,John almost wishes he could return to the numb detachment, to be able to shut himself away again where he was lost for so long.

 

Now, he is the injured survivor looking for a way out of the ruins.

 

The singer's voice is so full of dark sorrow, John knows the man has lived through some kind of pain to sing the way he does. His chest wells each time he hears the line,  _'I can't go home because they hate me'._

 

He wonders if it's possible this torture will ever end. It seems like an impossibility that he could ever stop loving Rodney.

 

And yet through all the misery, the lyrics offer him the shared desire for redemption and resurrection. Even if it's a plaintive, hopeless desire. But John thinks he wouldn't have let himself end up here, some part of him wouldn't have allowed these feelings to surface if he had truly given up.

 

Ronon had called it 'the other side'. John has to believe it exists. There has to be some reason he survived, and he has to believe there's some point to going through all of this wreckage.

 

Even if Rodney isn't going to be there waiting for him.

 

 _I know about sleep walking too,_  
_and trying to be free_  
_of all this damage in my eyes,_  
_making confusion in my mind._

 _When I hear a resurrection song_  
_(Night) lays me down when I'm fading,_  
_When I can't go home because they hate me._

_To sing that resurrection song._

_Day, end of day,_  
_Each hanging spiral._  
_What do you make_  
_of this clear blue silence?_  
_Now that the engine driver_  
_has grown to be a deep sea diver._  
_And the street has got no end,_  
_you'd better keep your heart strong little friend._

 _Thought I heard a resurrection song._  
_Thought I heard a resurrection song._

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place in Season 5, during/ after episode 6 "The Shrine, during/ after episode 7 "Whispers", & after episode 8 "The Queen"  
> .  
>  _Quoted: Lyrics from a Mark Lanegan song, ‘Resurrection Song’_  
> .


	11. May the best man win

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney confronts his rival._  
> .

.  
.

Trying to appear his best, Rodney practices saying "Neuraminidase inhibitor" in front of the mirror. Messing with his hair, then experimenting with rolling his sleeves up and back down, he frets about which look to go with.

 

"Hey." John walks in and looks at him curiously.

 

Rodney answers back with a brief and disinterested, "Hey."

 

"Heard you're going off world." John's eyes flit over Rodney as if he is noticing the extra effort he's putting into his appearance.

 

"I'm, uh," Rodney pauses defensively, "assisting with a medical follow-up on M33-985, yes."

 

"With Keller."

 

"Right again." Rodney blinks in annoyance wondering how he knows.

 

"On your day off." John continues to pry.

 

"What?" he asks, "I can't go off world in my free time?" It's not like John has been overly eager to spend time with him lately and Rodney is sick of this emotional yo-yo.

 

"No, no, go ahead." John frowns slightly, "I just think it's odd that you're volunteering for goodwill missions on your... day off.

 

Rodney bristles inwardly but retains a cool exterior, "Well, I'm turning over a new leaf. It's a whole new, you know, kinder, gentler Rodney McKay."

 

John nods with a frown and walks away.

 

With John gone, the insecurity and defensiveness show on Rodney's face as he folds his arms against himself. No. No, he isn't going to let John's mind games get to him today.

 

Just... Why is it that John always senses when Rodney is distancing himself and tries to get closer? Then whenever Rodney makes himself available, John seems to have little interest... It's maddening. Rodney wants none of it today. He returns his attention to the mirror to bolster his confidence, then makes his way to the gate.

 

But once he finds Ronon waiting with Jennifer his face falls along with whatever confidence he mustered up earlier.

 

Jennifer asks Rodney if he's all set, but Rodney's attention is on Ronon, "You're coming, too, are you?"

 

Ronon gives Rodney an intense stare and Jennifer answers, "Yeah, Ronon offered too, so I thought, you know, the more the merrier, right?"

 

"Is there a problem?" Ronon frowns.

 

"No-no-no, just, I was…" Rodney looks away, "No, it's nothing."

 

Sensing the tension, Jennifer looks uncomfortable, "Okay, ah" She looks up at the gate technician and tells him to dial.

 

Rodney and Ronon reach for her bag at the same time.

 

Though Ronon has it in hand, Rodney doesn't let go, insisting, "I got this. I'm good, I got it. I got it. I'm good."

 

Ronon keeps holding the bag and stares Rodney down.

 

Finally Rodney loses his bluster, getting more muted with every word he speaks. "You want? You take the... I got my own stuff... I'll bring…"

 

.

.

 

Okay this is it. Rodney's had it. Now that they're back from the mission, he decides it's time to have a talk with Ronon. Obviously they're both competing for Jennifer's affections.

 

The thing that is sticking in his craw the most right now is the image of Jennifer handily fighting the Wraith they encountered on the planet. Rodney had been impressed and complimented her.

 

She smiled, saying that Ronon has been giving her 'sparring lessons'.

 

Clearly a _lot_ of sparring lessons to get that good.

 

Rodney stalks to the gym to find Ronon in his favorite hang out. Sure enough, he's there practicing with some of those fighting sticks. Rodney stands stiffly for a moment, not sure of how to begin.

 

"What?" Ronon confronts him.

 

"Okay." Rodney moves nervously in place, "Here's the thing. I've been thinking and, uh... I need to know your intentions."

 

"Intentions?" Ronon sounds disinterested.

 

"With Jennifer?" Rodney clarifies.

 

Ronon pauses, then states, "I don't have any intentions."

 

"Oh." Rodney feels stupid; he smiles and turns around, "Okay. Good."

 

"Wait…" Ronon stops him. "What do you mean by 'intentions'?"

 

_'Dammit, this is hard enough to bring up without...'_ Rodney feels impatient, "I mean, are you interested in her in a romantic fashion?"

 

"No." Ronon stares blankly.

 

Feeling relieved, Rodney turns for the door with a smile and chirps happily, "Good."

 

Ronon stops him again.

 

_'For the love of God.'_ Rodney turns around openly annoyed, "What?"

 

"Maybe I do..." Ronon leans onto the fighting stick, "have intentions."

 

His face falls as Ronon asks him, "Do you have intentions?"

 

"Well, of course I do." Rodney answers without meeting Ronon's eyes, "That's why I was asking you."

 

"So what are we going to do about it?" Ronon gives him a challenging look.

 

"I don't know..." Rodney sighs, "I'm not going to fight you for her, if that's what you're thinking."

 

"Great!" Ronon's face is unreadable.

 

Pointing a finger at his competitor, Rodney makes his position clear, "I'm not going to step aside, either... So, we're just going to have to let her decide."

 

"Okay." Ronon looks amused.

 

He knows this is not likely to go his way, but Rodney hides his self-doubt, "Okay."

 

Trying to think of an appropriate way to conclude the conversation, Rodney walks forward and offers an outstretched hand, "May the best man win."

 

Ronon smiles with his natural confidence as he shakes Rodney's hand on it.

 

.

.

 

Over the next few weeks, Rodney begins pursuing Jennifer in earnest. Well, he hasn't actually asked her out on an official date, but they've been hanging out a lot, and it seems like... well it feels like there is more between them than friendship.

 

Of course, Rodney's radar can't be trusted, he's learned that lesson well and doesn't want to ruin everything by making the wrong kind of move. Not yet, not until he's sure of himself.

 

It doesn't help that John is always distracting him. Lately he always seems to be somewhere nearby, looking sexy, asking Rodney if he wants to hang out.

 

More often than not, Rodney has managed to turn him down. He can't lose sight of his prize now.

 

John is only ever this persistent when he senses Rodney is pulling away. It's only a game to John, even if he isn't fully conscious of what he's doing. John doesn't mean anything by it, he never does. The sooner Rodney accepts that the better.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John can't figure out why Rodney dislikes Daniel Jackson so much. Ever since he heard Jackson was coming to Atlantis, he hasn't stopped complaining. 

 

Rodney whines as they walk to the gate room, "I don't know what all the fuss is about. If we do this every time someone comes to visit, we'll never get any work done."

 

"We're just meeting him at the gate." John reasons.

 

"We're not just meeting him at the gate." Rodney argues, "I've been pulled from my regular duties to help him with his database research. Ugh. I've got stuff on the go, you know, important, vital projects for the, the betterment of the human race."

 

"Apparently, there are other people doing equally important work, Rodney, as hard as that is to believe." 

 

Woolsey joins them, "An exciting day!", he trills. 

 

"Absolutely." John answers agreeably.

 

Rodney grumbles. "Yeah." 

 

Someone from the control room calls down, "He's ready to beam."

 

"Very well." Woolsey affirms.

 

In a flash of light, Jackson appears, smiling happily at the room around him.

 

Woolsey receives him graciously, "Dr. Jackson, welcome to Atlantis."

 

"Thank you, Mr. Woolsey. It's great to be back. Colonel Sheppard, Rodney."

 

John hears Rodney give a quiet groan. _'What the hell does he have against Jackson anyway?'_

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney barely listens to what Daniel is saying. Something about a secret lab and a guy named Janus.

 

If there were any secret labs on Atlantis, he'd have found them a long time ago. But apparently, whatever this guy Janus was doing was unauthorized work, off the books. Hence Daniel's spotty reasoning that it wouldn't be mentioned in any of the logs.

 

"Okay." Daniel continues to drone on, "He never talked about it in his entries, but several of Janus's peers suspected he had a bastion of unfettered thought and experimentation. Or as one of his lovers put it-"

 

"He had LOVERS?" _'This is getting more interesting.'_ Rodney smiles in amusement.

 

Reading something off his screen, Daniel quotes, "An isle of solitude within the city walls."

 

"Well, that could just mean he's hard to talk to. People say things like that about me all the time." Rodney muses.

 

Gesturing to the screen, Daniel goes on, "None of these writers had any idea where the lab could be, but one of his young assistants recalls a day where Janus turned a corner down a hallway."

 

"'Today I saw Janus in a hallway.' _There's_ a real page turner." Rodney rolls his eyes.

 

Daniel ignores his sarcasm, "He chased after him with a question about his work, but when he rounded the corner, Janus was gone. The hallway was a dead end. He had seemingly disappeared... and I think, into his secret lab."

 

Pausing, Rodney asks the obvious, "Well, did this assistant happen to mention..."

 

"Which hallway? Yes, he does."

 

"Hmm, well…" Rodney pulls the computer toward him with more interest.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

"Hey" Ronon walks in on Jennifer as she packs up a bag from the infirmary to take on the mission; he's decided he's coming with her whether she wants it or not.

 

"Hi" she smiles, "I was just leaving."

 

"Yeah, I know." Ronon reaches for her bag, "Here, let me take that."

 

"Thanks."

 

"So you're going on this Daedalus thing?" He knows Woolsey is excited about this negotiation with Todd to try to introduce the Wraith to Jennifer's new gene therapy, but he doesn't buy that the Wraith would consider giving up humans as a food source.

 

"Yeah, uh" Jennifer reaches for her bag instinctively and Ronon shoos her away, picking it up for her.

 

She smiles shyly, "Thank you… I kind of have to. I'm the one that's going to be administering the treatment… If, you know, we ever get to that point."

 

"Right…" Ronon keeps his doubts to himself since she's so excited, "I think I should come with you on this."  

 

"Really? Why?"

 

"I don't really trust these guys."

 

"You don't trust Todd and his Wraith? Or the entire crew of the Daedalus to protect me if something goes wrong?" Jennifer asks humorously.

 

"I don't know. Both, I guess."

 

Jennifer bites her lip then laughs.

 

"What?" Ronon wonders if his protectiveness seems too overbearing.

 

"Nothing." she answers coyly.

 

"What?" He pressures her to speak her mind; he thinks it's time the two of them talked about their connection more directly.

 

He finally feels ready to take their relationship to the next level. It's been hard to let himself open up to the idea of letting someone in again. But he can't deny it anymore, he's fallen in love with her.

 

"Nothing! Nothing." Jennifer shakes her head in mirth. "It'd be great to have the company."

 

"Okay." Ronon smiles, he's going to look after her whether she thinks she needs it or not; and when they get back from this mission he's going to tell her just how much she means to him.

 

As they walk to the gate together, they pass by Rodney and Dr. Jackson.

 

Jennifer turns her head, "Bye, Rodney. Wish us luck."

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

"Good luck!" Rodney raises his hand to wave at Jennifer, then frowns murmuring to himself, "What do you mean 'us'?"

 

Oh no. Ronon is walking with her.

 

Ronon gives Rodney a knowing smile. _'_

 

_'Son of a bitch.'_

 

Rodney stops in his tracks, staring unhappily after the two of them as they head off.

 

"Rod? You…" Daniel points a thumb back in the direction they were headed.

 

He wants to make a cutting comment about how nobody calls him 'Rod', -even though he spent so many years trying to get people to call him that. But he's too distracted by his jealousy.

 

Ronon is going to have all that time alone with Jennifer, charming her and impressing her... By the time they get back Rodney won't stand a chance. He glumly turns to follow Daniel back down the hall. 

 

Once the two of them get to work, it only takes a few hours to piece things together. They replace missing light fixtures that were displaced by the flood along the hallway where the lab is supposed to be. 

 

The things make different tones when touched, clearly meant to be activated in some sort of sequence to open a section of the wall.

 

Obviously Daniel never would have figured it out without him but it's a small consolation for losing Jennifer to Ronon.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John steps through the wall and into the lab that Daniel and Rodney found, "Wow. That's pretty cool." he points at the panel.

 

"Harmonic resonance." Rodney explains.

 

"Yeah, I was told. But what happens if the sound goes off and you're in the middle of the wall?" 

 

"Well the wall would break apart your body." Rodney replies.

 

He turns around to face Rodney, "Well maybe we should-"

 

Rodney interrupts, "I set up a subsonic tone generator outside. The wall is now permanently open. Don't worry."

 

"Good. So what have we got?" John directs the question to both of them.

 

"Well," Daniel answers, "the good news is, it's definitely Janus's secret lab. The bad news is, getting in was the easy part."

 

John lifts up a blue egg-like object as Rodney tells him, "There are levels of encryption on all the data here that even the most paranoid NSA agent wouldn't use. I mean, it is deep."

 

Daniel adds, "Some of them are straight up math ciphers while others are Ancient knowledge puzzles." 

 

"And until we start deciphering," Rodney jumps in, "there's no way to tell what any of this stuff does."

 

"Sounds like you guys make a good team though." John offers.

 

Rodney makes an uncomfortable face that only John can see and clears his throat.

 

"Yeah." Daniel arches a brow skeptically.

 

"Well, I guess I'll go back to being the boss." John sets down the egg. He'd wanted to go with Woolsey and the others on the Daedalus, but Woolsey had insisted he stay behind and oversee Atlantis.

 

"How's that going?" Rodney asks.

 

"Pretty boring, actually." _'Such is the burden of command.'_

 

"Well," Rodney proposes, "you're more than welcome to help us crack this first stream cipher." 

 

Talking to Daniel now, Rodney adds, "You know, um, he could have been in Mensa."

 

At that, Daniel and Rodney both start chuckling; at least the two of them seem to make a  good team when it comes to making cracks about his intelligence. 

 

_'Why did he ever tell Rodney he passed that test?'_ John blinks in annoyance, "Why don't you contact me when you two geniuses have a breakthrough."

 

"Will do." Rodney looks like he is trying to keep a straight face.

 

John stalks out of the room.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

As Rodney yawns over his console, Daniel remarks, "You know it's almost dawn. If you want to call it a night, its, ah-"

 

"What?" Rodney is fully alert again, "No-no-no, I'm fine, fine. But, you know, if _you_ need to rest, I completely understand."

 

"Seriously?" Daniel puts his glasses back on and squints at Rodney, "Is... is everything a competition with you?"

 

' _Guess it depends on whom you ask. John would say so.'_

 

Rodney lifts his brows innocently, "I don't know what you're talking about."

 

Daniel gapes it him, "I just found you a secret lab full of really cool Ancient stuff. I kind of think that should score me some points here."

 

"Okay," Rodney relents, "I will admit that I may have been a little brusque with you until now."

 

"Just a little."

 

"But the truth is, I really didn't think you were going to find anything."

 

"Well, that much I actually understand." Daniel sounds resigned.

 

"You do?"

 

"Yeah. I spent the majority of my professional life being ridiculed for my theories" Daniel lifts a finger, "Most of which turned out to be correct, by the way. I'm kind of used to it, Rodney."

 

Sighing and leaning back in his chair, Rodney asks, "Doesn't that bother you, I mean, no vindication, no recognition, no credit?"

 

"Well, I could say the same thing about you. The discoveries you've made, you probably could have won the Nobel Prize 5 times over by now."

 

"Too true…" Rodney nods sadly, "Hmm, so I guess none of us signed up to get famous, huh?"

 

"No, we did it for the money." Daniel jokes.

 

"Good one…" Rodney snickers, "Wait a minute. You don't get paid more than I do, do you?

 

Daniel sighs again and rolls his eyes.

 

"Do you?" Rodney leans forward.

 

"Rodney, this is Sheppard. Come in." John sounds out of breath over the com, "Rodney!"

 

"What's up?" Rodney asks lazily.

 

"You need to get out of there right now."

 

"Why?" Rodney looks over to Daniel.

 

"There are some intruders headed your way. Get the hell out of there!"

 

Rodney looks up and sees some very menacing, armored red-suited aliens at the door.

 

Oh. Shit.

 

He steps forward cautiously, "Hey we, ah, aren't armed so-"

 

Something hits him in the gut and he feels himself sagging to the floor with the sound of John's voice yelling in his ear, "Rodney? Rodney, Come in!"

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 5, during/ after episode 9 "Tracker" & during episode 10 "First Contact"


	12. I really regret...- you coming here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _There are plenty of valid reasons to resent Daniel Jackson coming to Atlantis... not the least of which has been getting kidnapped by aliens._  
> .

.  
.

The aliens have demanded that Rodney activate the device they stole from Janus's lab and somehow hook it up to their weird contraption.

 

So far he's figured out that it's meant to target the frequencies the Wraith use to enter subspace, to destroy their ships as they engage their drives. It certainly would be effective to stop them from culling but...

 

But what Rodney hasn't figured out yet is the vague warnings in the Ancient's logs  referring to 'dangerous side effects'.

 

Last time he went ahead and activated an abandoned Ancient project he ended up destroying a whole solar system. A mistake he's not eager to repeat.

 

Daniel's passionate diplomatic plea to the armored alien was less than a success.

 

The metallic voice inside the suit only spoke to Rodney, saying one thing, "Get the device operational within one hour or I will kill him. Do you understand?'

 

Got it. So, activate the device or Daniel dies. Rodney never much liked the guy... Still...

 

It isn't hard to get the thing working. With a rudimentary understanding of Janus's coding style, it's clear the thing was merely turned off.

 

As it powers up and connect to the equipment, a whirling, grinding sound comes from the generating chamber behind them. The blue-glowing machine in the center of the sealed chamber lights up, and purple electric volts scatter across the walls like a strange thunderstorm.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Ronon spots an incoming Wraith transport beam bringing reinforcements onto the Daedalus.  

 

He knew it. That Wraith never had any intention of taking Jennifer's gene therapy. This whole thing was just a ploy to steal the Deadalus.

 

_"Jennifer'_

 

Ronon's heart lurches. He can't let anything happen to her.

 

He pulls out his gun ready to fight but the Wraith haven't seen him, they're headed for the bridge.

 

Keeping out of sight, Ronon quickly doubles back to the lab to save Jennifer.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Just as Rodney finds a log entry explaining why Janus never used this device, the aliens grab them and remove them from the lab.

 

Probably to keep them from turning it back off.

 

Inside their new holding area, Rodney explains to Daniel the magnitude of the problem.

 

It's not just Wraith ships that will be ripped apart when they use their hyperspace drives. Any Stargate in the Pegasus system will overload when activated. The size of one explosion would be enough to take out a planet. If they don't shut this thing down, millions will die.

 

First a solar system now an entire galaxy. He has to figure out a way to get back to that lab and power the device down. 

 

But before the two of them can come up with a plan, the metal suited aliens come back and take Daniel away. 

 

They don't really need Daniel to work on the machine. The guy's a dead man for sure.

 

Rodney supposes it's all up to him now.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rubbing his eyes, John tries to think in the aftermath of the explosion.

 

Directing power from the city's shields saved them from the overload when they activated the Stargate, but a whole section of the control tower is gone now. 

 

At least they're still alive, but with no Stargate and the Daedalus out of communications range, there's no way to rescue Rodney. John needs Rodney to be safe. He _needs_ him to be.

 

Zelenka thinks he's pinpointed the location of the planet where Rodney was taken. But how the hell is he supposed to get Rodney back without a Stargate or a ship?

 

One of the technicians approaches him to say they're being hailed by the Daedalus.

 

Thank God. It was supposed to be far out of range by now.

 

John eagerly stands in front of the screen, "Daedalus, it's good to, ah…"

 

But it's not Caldwell's face that greets him.

 

Todd the Wraith looks back at him from the Captain's chair, "Colonel Sheppard."

 

"What the hell's going on?" John demands, "Where's Caldwell?" 

 

"I'm afraid I had to relieve him and his crew of duty."

 

John whispers to Zelenka. "How close are they?" 

 

Zelenka answers. "Not close enough to go by Jumper, if that's what you're thinking." 

 

"Don't worry, Todd tells him, "I'm more than willing to return this ship and its crew to you."

 

"In exchange for what?"

 

"You've activated the Attero device. I need you to shut it down and give me its location immediately."

 

"I don't know what you're talking about." John is puzzled. 

 

"It was very clever of you," Todd growls, "luring me and my ship out into the open, so you could see for yourself if it worked."

 

"If what worked?" John asks in confusion.

 

"I have to admit, in a way, I'm impressed." Todd continues, "I was there 10,000 years ago when the Ancients first tried to use it, but they didn't have to stomach to leave it on once they realized how many of their precious stargates it would destroy, how many humans it would kill."

 

"Sounds like something Janus would have worked on." Zelenka murmurs.

 

"Give me the location of the Attero device, and once I have destroyed it, I will return this crew to you." Todd offers.

 

"Look" John is serious, "it's not what you think. We have nothing to do with this."

 

"Every minute that goes by without you telling me where the device is, I will kill a member of your expedition." As an example, Woolsey is suddenly thrown into the viewscreen and Todd growls, "Your time starts now."

 

"Give us a second" John ends the transmission and turns to the room snapping his fingers a little bit like McKay.

 

He consults with Teyla and Zelenka. This Attero device has to be what the aliens stole when they kidnapped Rodney and Daniel. And that's what's responsible for Todd's ship and their Stargate exploding. Todd must have been desperate enough to risk stealing the Daedalus.

 

They raise communications again and John tries to negotiate with Todd, saying he'll give him the location if they take him along.

 

Todd sneers, "And give you the chance to take out my hyperdrive with one of your drones? I think not."

 

"Why would I do that?" John reasons, "Right now you're one of the few people in the galaxy with a ship capable of dealing with this problem."

 

"And I intend to keep it that way. John Sheppard, transmit the coordinates, or I will feed on Mr. Woolsey before your eyes!"

 

Todd obviously plans to attack the aliens who have Rodney and the device. Without a way to rescue him, he could be responsible for Rodney's death.

 

But he doesn't doubt that Todd will kill everyone on Daedalus right now to get that location.

 

He needs a ship. A way to go after Rodney. John might have an idea about where to find one. Hoping he's not making the wrong call, he sends Todd the coordinates.

 

.  
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* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney can't believe his eyes when Daniel is brought back alive. He thought for sure the guy was a goner. He was about to bust out of this holding room and try to escape on his own.

 

The news Daniel tells him is even more shocking. The menacing aliens in the metallic suits... They're Asgards.

 

Just a bit different from their friendly cousins in the Milky Way. They don't really care if millions of humans die, as long as it decimates the Wraith threat.

 

Finishing his work to unseal the door, he and Daniel make their way down the corridors, trying to evade detection.

 

Behind a door he was hoping would lead them out, Rodney suddenly finds himself facing two of their armored captors, "Oh, my God, please don't kill me. You need _me_."

 

"Rodney?" Daniel's voice takes a tone.

 

" _Us_ , us." Rodney revises his statement, "You need _us_. Look the device needs constant care. I mean, true, I'm the only one who knows how to work it, but…

 

What am I talking about killing for? You're not a violent race. You may have stunned us-"

 

"Rodney." Daniel tries to interject.

 

But he keeps trying to appease their captors "… a few more times than I would have liked." He lifts his hands and looks at Daniel, "Who's to say we didn't deserve it, right?"

 

"They're just suits." Daniel says flatly.

 

"Yes, suits that house one of the smartest races that ever evolved." Rodney smiles at them, "I mean, the Asgards, I've always been a big fan of the Asgards. Some of my best friends are Asgards."

 

"They're empty suits." Daniel informs him, waving his hand in front of them to demonstrate, "See?"

 

"Yeah." Rodney tries to hide his embarrassment, "I know. I was…"

 

Daniel prods, "You were…"

 

"Yeah, it's not important." Rodney doesn't want to dwell on his abject groveling.

 

"You know," Daniel continues, "from what I can tell, the inside of the suits form around whoever's in them."

 

Rodney sees where he is going with this, "One size fits all."

 

They use the suits to gain access back to the room where the device is and turn the thing off. It shouldn't take long to shut it down. Only, Rodney realizes the device is gone. 

 

That means there's only one other way to end this. Rodney frowns at the containment chamber arcing with static volts of energy.

 

"These suits were designed to protect the wearer from harsh environments, right?" Rodney recalls that this planet's atmosphere is corrosive.

 

"Technically, yes.

 

"Then I have a really terrible idea." Rodney turns to the chamber walking towards the sealed door.

 

"Oh no, no." Daniel objects, "You're not thinking what I think you're thinking. Radiation in there would be pretty extreme."

 

"Not to mention those electrical discharges look pretty unfriendly, but…" Rodney frowns and peers in through the window, "Yeah, but the antenna has a control crystal. If we could pull it manually…"

 

"It's a 50-50 we even get that far." Daniel speculates.

 

"I'd go 30-70," Rodney shrugs, "but I don't have a better idea, and the suits, they should protect us."

 

Daniel sighs in defeat.

 

"You ready?" Rodney gives a grim smile.

 

"Let's just get this over with."

 

"You know, we both don't have to go in there." Rodney tells him.

 

"Well, when you get killed by one of the discharges," Daniel reasons, "Someone's gonna have to finish the job, so…"

 

"Great pep talk. Thanks" Rodney opens the panel and they both walk into the surging room.

 

Rodney points to the electric arcs shooting through the air, "I'm pretty sure we want to avoid those touching us."

 

"Thanks, coach." Daniel quips sarcastically.

 

Making his way forward to the control center, Rodney pulls out a panel. He pauses with his hand just above the crystals.

 

"What are you waiting for?" Daniel asks.

 

"I have to pull the right one or the antenna explodes."

 

"Hurry up… But get it right."

 

"Okay." Rodney thinks he has it figured out. "Here goes nothing."

 

Just as Rodney reaches for the crystal, Daniel is hit by several volts of the blue current. He falls to the floor shaking violently.

 

"Daniel!" Rodney pulls the control crystal to power down the mechanism and runs over to him.

 

He takes off his helmet and sits next to Daniel, "Okay. You're okay, you're okay."

 

_'Definitely not okay. Daniel's a deadman this time for sure .'_

 

As he helps take off Daniel's helmet, the guy winces and grunts in pain.  

 

"Ow... Wrong again." He tells Rodney through clenched teeth, "Did you turn it off?"

 

"I did," Rodney corrects himself, " _We_ did. You did. Look, where does it hurt?"

 

"Everywhere…." Daniel gasps, "Arrrhh, I don't suppose there's a hospital nearby?"

 

"I'm," Rodney is apologetic, "I'm pretty sure we're on our own."

 

"Good." Daniel pants.

 

"Look, on the bright side, I mean, we're both going to be dead of dehydration, in like, 5 days. So you won't have to put up with me much longer."

 

"I'm…" Daniel smiles weakly, "I'm, ah, pretty busted up, Rodney. I don't… I don't think I'm going to make it that long."

 

Rodney feels a sudden remorse for how hostile he's been, "Okay, I know it may not seem like it... I want you to know, I-I really resp-"

 

A flash of white light overtakes them stopping Rodney's words.

 

"Oh, thank God." They're in the Daedalus medical bay with Jennifer.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Ronon hands Jennifer a cup of coffee, "So how they doing?"

 

"Well," She gives a small laugh, "Rodney's still complaining that the Asgard suit gave him a skin rash."

 

"Right. So basically he's fine." Ronon snorts.

 

"Shhh" She giggles conspiratorially, pointing to a curtained area at the far end of the room, "He's still in here."

 

"What about Dr. Jackson?"

 

"The cellular damage and radiation caused by that machine", Jennifer gives a serious sigh, "We got to him just in time... thanks to you."

 

He shrugs, "Well, Sheppard helped out with that... and destroyed the Attero device, so... "

 

If it hadn't been for John coming in on that Traveler ship the Daedalus would have crashed into the Asgard facility on the surface of the planet instead of beaming Rodney and Daniel back to safety.

 

"Yeah, but you saved the Daedalus, and freed the crew..." She blinks up at him in her adorable way and Ronon gets a warm feeling in his chest, "Though your method of shutting down a hyperdrive could use a little refinement ."

 

"It disabled the ship." Ronan reminds her.

 

"Yeah, and _then some_ , but...", Jennifer reaches out affectionately to touch Ronon's arm, "thanks for looking after me and, you know, heroically rescuing me and whatnot."

 

Ronon smiles at her flirtatiously "Thought you said something about me almost getting you killed?"

 

"I just," Jennifer flushes, "Well, I wasn't expecting you to jump down from the rafters like that and throw me a gun. Like I said, it's not like I ever fired one outside the range before."

 

"Well, then we should start practice shooting outside the range." Ronon remembers how scared he'd been that something would happen to her; he might not know how to reprogram a computer but nothing will ever stop him from making sure she's protected.

 

Stepping closer, Ronon folds his palm lightly around her wrist, "But you handled yourself really good back there."

 

"Okay." Jennifer flutters her eyelashes and looks away with a shy smile, "I, uh, I should probably get back to, to Daniel." She ducks her head, "Thanks for the coffee."

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

Back on Atlantis, Jennifer is heading out of the infirmary when she hears Ronon calling.

 

"Hey." He cozies up to her.

 

"Hey."

 

"You all done for the day?" Ronan asks with a sly look.

 

"Uh," Jennifer is hesitant, "Dr. Cole's taking my shift. Yeah."

 

"Want to get something to eat?" Ronon smiles at her affectionatly.

 

"Ah, um," Jennifer pauses, "ah, listen, um, I'm really glad you came on the mission. I mean, without you there, we'd probably all be dead."

 

Ronon's smile deepens and his eyes have a flirtatious twinkle.

 

"But, I just want to be clear, because, um…" Jennifer closes her eyes from the uncomfortable feeling in her chest, then looks back up to Ronon, "I just want you to know, that I'm kind of… interested in somebody else."

 

"So?" Ronon isn't smiling anymore but he doesn't look upset.

 

She's confused, "I just didn't want to give you the wrong…"

 

"You didn't." Ronon shrugs with a slight frown, "I just wanted to get something to eat."

 

Taken aback, Jennifer gazes at him, "Okay, because _I_ thought-"

 

"Yeah," Ronon gives slight smile again, "well, you're wrong."

 

She really thought Ronon was interested in her… she'd even returned the feelings somewhat. It's just, she's become infatuated with Rodney.

 

"Okay." Jennifer examines his expression and accepts his answer at face value.

 

Ronon is incredibly good looking but there is something about cute little Rodney. He's surprisingly gentle and sweet behind all the hot air and bluster; something about him makes Jennifer want to get inside his world.

 

And Rodney actually loves her, at least he said he did when he had that parasite in his brain. He doesn't seem to remember saying it but still... 

 

"Okay." Ronon looks bored.

 

Jennifer smiles, "Do you still want to go…"

 

"Ah. No, I should probably... " Ronon doesn't finish the thought, mumbling, "I should go."

 

.  
.

* * *

.

.

 

Supposing he's obligated to say goodbye to Daniel, Rodney visits the Atlantis infirmary one last time, "Hey."

 

"Mmm." Daniel mumbles through a mouthful of food, "It hurts to eat this fruit cup."

 

"Don't eat the fruit cup, then." Rodney argues.

 

"Thank you Groucho." Daniel sets it down, "Listen, not that I don't appreciate the visits, but shouldn't you be trying to figure out a way to keep the Asgards out of the shield again?"

 

"One step ahead of you." Rodney smiles smugly, "That's not going to happen again."

 

"Oh! Good."

 

"You don't think they'd make a run at us again?" Rodney frowns.

 

"Well," Daniel exhales "I'm not sure, but we did ruin the one plan they had to feel free in this galaxy. They might hold a grudge."

 

"Well, let's hope not." Rodney hasn't enjoyed making these obligatory visits out of guilt; he's already trying to think of an excuse to leave the infirmary.

 

"I don't think I'll be around to find out, though" Daniel tells him glumly.

 

"Yeah, I heard they're sending you back to Earth."

 

"Yeah, I guess I need some major patching up and recovery. And Landry prefers I do that there instead of here, so…"

 

"Well, the Daedalus has already picked up a gate left over from the old gate bridge, and my team is installing it as we speak, so we should have you home in no time at all." Rodney can't wait to see him go.

 

"That's good. That is… good."

 

"Yes, so…" he doesn't know what else to say and just stands there. Nervously, Rodney starts to make some popping sounds with his lips.

 

Ugh. He hates these awkward moments.

 

He should find a way to make an exit. "Well, it's been… um… unique?"

 

"Yes. Yes, it has. It sure has." Daniel agrees, "But I do want to say thank you, for um, saying that you respected me when you thought I was about to die back there."

 

"Excuse me?" Rodney frowns and makes a face, "I said no such thing."

 

"Yeah, you did. You were, like, um, um, 'I know it may not seem like it, but I really respect you', and, ah, that means a great deal to me."

 

Rodney squints and tilts his head, "I don't believe I ever finished that sentence."

 

Daniel's smile recedes, "How else would you have finished that sentence?"

 

"I would have said," Rodney nods his head trying to come up with something believable, "… 'Regret'. I would have said, 'I really regret… you being here… because none of this would have happened otherwise." He shifts his eyes around the room uncomfortably.

 

"So, you can only give compliments to the dying?" Daniel gives him a strained look.

 

"It's something I'm working on." Rodney grimaces.

 

Pushing his food tray forward, Daniel asks, "Do you want to try any of this?"

 

"Ooh! Fries." Rodney supposes he can stay a little longer.

 

"Yeah, yeah, dive right in." Daniel hands it off to Rodney, "Take them, take them."

 

.

.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 5, during episode 10 "First Contact" & episode 11 "The Lost Tribe"  
> .


	13. Should have made a move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Ronon takes out his frustration over recent developments while Rodney plots his next move._  
> .

.  
.

That night when John enters the gym, he immediately senses something is wrong. Ronon is attacking the punching bag like he's trying to rip apart a Wraith. And from the look of him, he's been at it a while.

 

As John walks up, Ronon stops and wipes his palm across his sweaty brow, "Hey."

 

John gives him a questioning look.

 

"Thought I'd try your 'therapy'". Ronon explains.

 

"And?"

 

"Better than nothin'"

 

"What got into you?" John wonders.

 

"You shoulda just…" Ronon glowers at him. "Should have made a move." 

 

"What-" John doesn't follow but then his stomach drops; Oh, he knew this was going to happen, "Because of Jennifer?"

 

"Yeah, and don't tell me it was fate or something. It's all about timing… Getting it right, so things match up. You know, it would've made it easier for me if you'd just taken your opening."

 

"Wait, timing?" John puzzles, "How's this _my_ fault?"

 

"No." Ronon stops punching again; he sags his head, "Nobody's fault."

 

"What happened?" John quietly asks.

 

"She, ah, basically told me she wasn't interested… because there's someone else-"

 

"Rodney." There is that sharp pain in his chest again.

 

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure."

 

 "Guess we're in the same boat now." John grimaces.

 

"Not me." Ronon whips his hair back away from his face, "I'm not a lost cause like you. There's someone else I'm interested in."

 

"Just like that?" He can't believe after all this time wooing Jennifer, Ronon has someone else in mind, "Who?" 

 

"Doesn't matter." Ronon gives him a dark look.

 

"But… I thought you were waiting for the right person, after Allina-"

 

"I was. Now it's time to move on." Ronon swats the bag angrily, "You should do the same. Take _your_ shot with McKay or move on."

 

"Actually I've…" John rubs the back of his neck, "I've been thinking it's time for a change."

 

"Really?..." Ronon lifts a brow in surprise, "Who?"

 

"Where."

 

"Huh?"

 

"I've, uh, I've been thinking about leaving Atlantis. -Don't look at me like that, Ronon. You said it yourself, I need to move on."

 

"Or fucking tell him you love him. It might change things if he knew how you felt."

 

"It wouldn't. I'm not the one who can give him what he wants. And I made a promise, I owe him this." John shakes his head, "He's supposed to be with Jennifer. Ah, I want him to be happy... just this time ... I don't think I can stick around and watch it all happen."

 

"So, what… You're just going to quit everything? Over _McKay_?"

 

John closes his eyes; Ronon is never going to understand why he loves Rodney the way he does. Why it hurts so much not to be with him.

 

In a way, Rodney is the only reason John even came to Pegasus. He'd wanted something more with him, more than he'd been capable of expressing back then.

 

His decision to join the expedition was... Well, he'd tried to back out of it after realizing he'd hurt Rodney somehow... too terrified to face his feelings, still too fucked up to handle much of anything. But General O'Neill had forced his hand, so he'd ended up following Rodney to a distant galaxy after all.

 

And in his inelegant, self-deluded way, John had still tried to draw Rodney into his world; the way Rodney had pulled John into his.

 

Ronon touches his shoulder and John opens his eyes again.

 

"Hey." Ronon gives a weak smile, "Sorry. I know how much he means to you... I'm not at my best tonight. I just don't wanna see you go."

 

"It's fine." John sighs, "I don't really want to see me go either."

 

"Then don't." 

 

"Yeah, guess I'll see." He wishes he'd never met the Rodney who lost Jennifer, never seen how much he suffered without her. "I'm sorry, about how it turned out... If it could have gone differently, if it's my fault-"

 

"It's not." Ronon grins with a fierce and mischievous glint that lets John know he's not really angry with him, "No more talking. Let's fight. I've got a lot of reckless aggression to work out.

 

"Great." John groans at the prospect of getting his ass handed to him.

 

"Therapy, right?" Ronon grabs a fighting stick.

 

"Right."

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney's been trying to take advantage of the fact that Carson is back on Atlantis. He's been out in the field treating survivors of the Hoffan plague and Rodney's barely gotten to see him. 

 

Eager to spend some time catching up, he finds Carson in one of the labs."There you are," Rodney complains, "I've been calling you."

 

Carson stares at his computer screen, "Oh. I'm sorry. What's up?"

 

"Lorne's team just found a suitable planet for the villagers. They're going to move them out this afternoon."

 

"Aye, I heard. I'm going with them."

 

Oh. Rodney tries to hide his disappointment, "Right of course, um, Well, you want to, ah, grab some lunch? We really didn't get a chance to socialize this time around -unless you count, you know, running through halls of the Hive ship… as social time."

 

"Aye, you're right. Look, Rodney, I'd love to but I really need to get through this." Carson gestures to the computer.

 

"Well, what is it?" Rodney leans over the screen.

 

"Dr. Keller's research on the serum that keeps my cells from deteriorating. I think there might be something in here to help the plague survivors since I'm not getting the infections they are."

 

"Well, you don't have to do this now. I'll download the data to a drive and you can, you know, just take it with you."

 

"Actually, you can't. Mr. Woolsey doesn't want it leaving the base."

 

"Oh." Rodney makes a glum expression.

 

"I'm sorry, Rodney."

 

"Well, I don't care." Rodney feigns ambivalence, "No, I was just trying to stop you from whining about never seeing me." He heads for the door, ".…All right."

 

"Rodney, wait." Carson calls after him, "Now, that I think of it, I am a wee bit peckish. Besides, I can't solve all the galaxies problems in one day, can I?"

 

Rodney shrugs and acts disinterested, "Well, it's…"

 

"Shut it." Carson sees right through him, "Right, let's go"

 

Pulling on his jacket, Carson walks to the door and gives Rodney a knowing look as he pats him on the back, "So, interested in anyone these days?"

 

"Me?" Rodney keeps a stoic face, "No, I don't have time for that."

 

"You're a terrible liar, Dr. McKay. Tell me, tell me, tell me."

 

"Well, if you absolutely must know" Rodney grins.

 

"Oh, Aye." Carson is sarcastic. "I must." 

 

"Well, as you know, there's always the sexy but cold-hearted commander. For the sake of the story, we'll call him… Colonel Tsunami."

 

Carson chuckles.

 

"He knows how I feel about him but only uses it to toy with me. This much we already know." Rodney gestures dismissively. "And he always turns the charm and allure all the way up when I pull away... which you'll be happy to hear- I _have_ …

 

I mean, we still spend time together… but I'm, I'm more detached, emotionally, you know."

 

Carson makes a dubious face and Rodney insists, "I am. I swear I am… I'm currently pursuing the fair maiden instead. Like I told you, I think Jennifer seems to like me."

 

"Good, good."

 

"Only there's a twist."

 

"There's always a twist isn't there?" Carson gives a sly smile.

 

"Sadly there is.. So while endeavoring to pursue said maiden, I've encountered a rival, one who would take her from me."

 

Carson tilts his head.

 

"…Ronon! Can you believe my luck? Of all the people on the station to have to measure up to, fucking built like a Greek god, Ronon."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"Yeah, I'm sure. We had a talk about it and everything. I think he wanted to fight me for her, but I told him there was like, no way that was going to happen. But I made it clear I wasn't going to back off."

 

"I'm sure that scared him plenty."

 

"Hey, you're supposed to be on my side here."

 

"Sorry. So, how are you pursuing said maiden?"

 

"Uh, well, so far, I guess we're just hanging out more… Kind of a lot lately. Like, lunch dates and stuff. We get along really well, actually we're not as different as you'd think."

 

"I guess, I could see that." Carson frowns, "Only…"

 

"What?"

 

"Well, she seems a wee bit more… gentle."

 

"Yeah well, she doesn't seem to mind my less attractive traits too much. She says I fascinate her."

 

Carson laughs out loud.

 

"What? Why does everyone find that so hard to believe? She wants to get to know me and she  doesn't even seem that bored when I'm talking. I make her laugh a lot… Those are all good signs, right?"

 

"Definitely. So, are you showing an interest by asking her about herself?"

 

"What? I don't know. Maybe. Thanks a lot, now I'm going to be worried about that too. I'm not so good at this stuff."

 

"Don't worry." Carson laughs, "That's why you've got me, to give you pointers."

 

"Right. Because you've always been so great with the ladies." Rodney sneers.

 

"Hey! I'll have you know… ah, fair enough." Rodney and Carson exchange a look and both burst out laughing.

 

"Oh." Carson catches his breath, "It's good to see you, Rodney. And I say, as long as you two can laugh together, well, you've got a leg up on Ronon."

 

"Yeah," Rodney narrows his eyes, "she laughs at things I say...  Or is she laughing _at_ me? How can I be sure now?"

 

"Don't overthink it." Carson nods to a stack of cafeteria trays, "Sounds like you're doing just fine."

 

"You really think so?" Rodney smiles hopefully.

 

"Aye. My money's with team Rodney."

 

As they get their food, Rodney questions Carson about _his_ love life, "Now what's going on with you and your assistant. What's her name… Novo?"

 

Carson lowers his head shyly and Rodney prods, "Tell me, tell me, tell me…"

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John scowls as Rodney's yellow car races in front of his red one, cutting it off as the toy cars turn the corner of the hallway.

 

"Oh, I'm sorry too fast for you buddy boy?" Rodney taunts.

 

"Nursing home just called, Rodney."  John teases, "They want their scooter back."

 

"Scooter? That is a tri-cell LiPo pack under my hood, son."

 

John crashes his red car into the side of Rodney's and it skids off to the side as John's car pushes ahead.

 

"Hey!" Rodney protests.

 

"Ooh. Sorry. My bad."

 

"Okay. I will trample you." Rodney threatens as he pulls his remote controlled car around.

 

"Don't trip on your skirt." John mocks.

 

Just then Teyla walks into the long hall with her infant in her arms. Dodging the cars, she yelps as they wind under her legs.

 

"You okay?" John asks as the two of them run over to her.

 

"I could have dropped him." She accuses.

 

"Sorry," John apologizes, "we didn't know anyone was around. You sure you're all right?"

 

"Come to think if it," Rodney asks, "what are you doing down here, anyway?" 

 

"Trying to get Torren to sleep." she explains, "I find that walking him is the best way to calm him."

 

"Ooo, he's colicky, huh?" Rodney leans forward.

 

"Dr. Keller says it's a phase that will pass."

 

"Ah, don't worry about it," Rodney waves his hand, "I was a colicky baby too. Just do what my mom did, which was let me cry myself to sleep. I'm no worse for it."

 

John gives Rodney a double take. That would explain a lot actually.

 

Teyla talks to them for a minute but heads back to her quarters before Torren wakes or their toys run her over.

 

"Yeah, I mean, we're done here." Rodney shrugs, "We're just, you know, finishing up, really, so…"

 

"Night." John waves as she heads out of sight.

 

"Night, Good one." Rodney calls after her.

 

Spinning around, John uses the oppurtunity to get a head start.

 

But Rodney is right there with him, yelling at his car, "Go-go-go-go-go-go-go!"

 

.

.

 

About half an hour later Rodney is puzzling over why his car gave out, holding it upside down "I must have put too much strain in the motor. Shaft needs a brushing lube"

 

_'Shaft needs...brushing lube?_ _Damn it Rodney.'_ He loves it when Rodney talks dirty like that. 

 

Staring at him, he wonders why Rodney always makes it so hard to be good.

 

Oblivious, Rodney stares back, "What?"

 

John just shakes his head.

 

The lights above them suddenly go out. They've lost contact with the control room and something is definitely up. 

 

Upon further inspection, it seems the entire upper section of the control tower is submerged in some kind of force field. They can't reach it or figure out what's happening as they've been shut out of most of the critical systems.

 

Finally, Rodney hacks into the security cameras.

 

It's Michael. 

 

He has Teyla and the baby with her. Clearly he hasn't given up on his plan to use Torren's DNA to perfect his Hybrid army.

 

Their attempt to get through the force field fails. Michael has somehow managed to modify the Wraith stun pulse technology and integrate it with a Puddle Jumper. Anyone approaching the upper levels is knocked out cold.

 

What they've got to do is find a way to take out Michael's stolen Jumper, as that's what's powering the force field.

 

There isn't enough power left on base to use the drones, and they're cut off from the Jumper bay. Still, there are some damaged Jumpers in the underwater hanger that might be of use.

 

Rodney cobbles together the best parts of each, hoping to make one of them functional, but the weapons still won't come online.

 

John insists he find a way to make it work. They _need_ those drones.

 

Moments later, a citywide alarm begins sounding off and Rodney drops what he's doing, "That's Atlantis's self-destruct. Michael's going to blow up the city."

 

"How much time do we have?" John wonders if Micheal's gotten what he needed from Teyla already.

 

Rodney consults his table, "He set it for 10 minutes."

 

John points to the back of the Jumper impatiently, "How much time do you need before you get those drones working?"

 

"Well, if I can get them working at all, a lot more than 10 minutes!"

 

John spins the pilot's chair forward again. "All right, forget about it."

 

"What are you... what are you doing?" Rodney asks.

 

Punching in some commands, John decides, "Gonna fly the Jumper and crash it into the tower."

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

"Crash it?!" Rodney panics, John has no idea what he's about to do.

 

"It's our best chance of taking out Michael's Jumper."

 

Rodney objects vehemently, "Not to mention taking out yourself!"

 

"I have crashed Jumpers into the tower before." John acts defensive.

 

"Not like this you haven't." Rodney explains, "Look, in addition to the weapons, the inertial dampeners are out. You'll need to impact Michael's Jumper with enough force to do some serious damage, which means a lot of speed when you hit that tower."

 

He pleads with John, "Look, this is a suicide mission."

 

But John just stares resolutely forward. Rodney should know by now once John has his mind made up about something like this, it's no use trying to reason with him. He simply tells Rodney to hurry with the calibrations and get the vessel flightworthy.

 

So he does as he's ordered and gives John the go ahead.

 

John instructs, "Make sure that strike team is ready to move as soon as that field drops." 

 

"I will." Rodney nervously winds the interface cord around his tablet, "Now, you make sure you don't accelerate too fast coming out of the Jumper Bay. I mean, if you hit the gas too hard, you're going to flatten like a pancake."

 

"Right." John seems unconcerned and Rodney's brows knit in worry.

 

He glances around the Jumper anxiously and John takes notice of his silence.

 

"What?"

 

"Well, it's just, um…" Rodney exhales the breath he has been holding tightly in his chest, "What you're about to do is-"

 

"Yeah." John shrugs it off, "It's not like it's the first time. How many suicide missions have I flown?"

 

"I don't know" Rodney admits, "I lost count." And that's saying something for a mathematician.

 

"All right, well, there you go." John assures him.

 

"All right," Rodney sits meekly in the co-pilot chair, his voice wavering, "well, you know…" He has to let himself believe that John is coming back from this, he always comes back in the end.

 

He stands up and holds his hand out to John, "Here's to many more."

 

Suddenly, John doesn't seems so cavalier, there is something emotional and unexpressed in his eyes.

 

He knows John cares about him, but right now, he could almost let himself believe it's something more. Letting his guard down a bit, some of the tenderness Rodney feels bleeds through.

 

John clasps his hand and stares back soulfully.

 

"Rodney." Zelenka's voice comes in over the com.

 

_'God, Zelenka has the worst timing._

 

In agitation, Rodney pulls the radio out of his to pocket answer.

 

"I finally figured out how to override some of Michael's lockout codes." Zelenka gives them their first piece of good news.

 

"That's great can you shut down the self-destruct?" Rodney asks.

 

"No. No, no, that will take a little bit more time. I have however, managed to get the access doors to the Gate Room open."

 

"Well, that does us absolutely no good." Rodney chastises him, "I mean, the stun field is still in effect."

 

John clicks his radio on, asking Zelenka, "What about the transporter on the Gate Room level?"

 

"Ah, no, no, I still don't have control of that, either."

 

"For crying out loud." Rodney complains.

 

Zelenka apologizes, "I'm sorry, I'm doing the best I can. Michael has placed several highly encrypted codes-"

 

Rodney cuts him off, "Look, just… What about the Gate shield? Can you lower it?"

 

"Ye-Yes. That I can do."

 

"Great." Rodney turns to John in relief, "You don't have to do your kamikaze run."

 

"Why not?" John spins in his pilot chair.

 

"Well, you just have to fly up to the tower, get in proximity, dial the DHD to a random planet... We'll have Radek lower the gate shield, allowing the vortex to obliterate Michael's Puddle Jumper, or most of it."

 

"Now, that's a good plan." John looks at Rodney in approval as he walks back out of the Jumper.

 

"Where are you going?" Rodney stops him.

 

"You're gonna fly it." John informs. "That frees me up to lead the strike team."

 

"You…"

 

"Look, you said it yourself. It's simple enough. You just dial the gate."

 

"I… Guess I can do that." 

 

"Go easy on the accelerator." John reminds him then speaks into his radio, "Radek, get ready to drop that shield on my mark."

 

John disappears and Rodney sits in the pilot's chair, "Right."

 

He lifts the Jumper out of the murky water, keeping the speed low. Then he arcs up so he has the tower in his sights.

 

 "All right", He tells John over the radio, "I'm in the air, approaching the central tower."

 

"Copy that." John replies and checks in with the lab, "Zelenka, you ready?"

 

"Ready when you are." Zelenka answers.

 

"I'm in position ready to dial." Rodney waits ready to act.

 

"Radek, drop the shield." John orders.

 

"The shield's down!" Zelenka yells. "Go, Rodney!"

 

He dials as fast as he can and it works. 

 

Thank God, Michael's Jumper is damaged enough to drop the force field and the self-destruct goes off as soon as the Jumper's power is cut.

 

From the sidelines Rodney hears John and the others engage in a firefight with Michael and his hybrids.

 

When it's all said and done Michael is dead. 

 

Finally.

 

.

.

 

With Atlantis back to normal, Rodney stands by John's side, ready for their rematch.

 

As the cars take off, he mocks, "Take a good long, look. 'Cause soon you're gonna see nothing but tail lights."

 

John seems unimpressed, "Nice try, Speed Racer."

 

"Ha, ha ha!" Rodney watches as his superior car breaks ahead, "Ha! … Whoa."

 

Teyla steps into the hall with her son Torren, this time more gingerly.

 

They stop the cars anyway and check to make sure she's okay, "I'm sorry." Rodney calls out, "We were just, you know…"

 

"Who's winning?" Teal asks in amusement.

 

"I am." They both answer simultaneously.

 

"Yeah." Rodney throws John sarcastic look. He points to the baby, "Still colicky, huh?"

 

"He was awake all day. Refused to take a nap."

 

"That's not surprising." John tells her, "He got a full night's sleep."

 

"Yes, it's remarkable he slept through the entire ordeal. He hasn't slept through a whole night in… ever."

 

"Well, he can rest easy now, 'cause Michael's finally out of the picture." Rodney smiles.

 

Teyla's expression remains serious, "Unfortunately, there will be somebody else to take his place, of this I am certain."

 

"He's got supermom watching his back. If you ask me he's in good hands." John walks forward to play with the baby, "Torren, do you want to watch me kick Rodney's ass?"

 

"Ah, ha-ha-ha." Rodney tells her, "Actually, you may want to cover the child's eyes, because, ah, this could get ugly."

 

"Are you ready?" John taunts.

 

"Yeah."

 

"One, two,-"

 

John starts his car early.

 

"Hey! Hey!" What a total cheater… Rodney will beat him anyway.

 

He hears Teyla laughing in the background as they battle it out.

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 5, before and after episode 12 "Outsiders" & during episode 14 "The Prodigal"  
> .


	14. You torture yourself everyday, John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John reaches a final decision to leave Atlantis behind._  
> .

.  
.

Ronon is surprised it's taken Rodney half the meal to notice John's absence and ask where he is.

 

Teyla sighs, "He flew some astrobiologists to the mainland this morning."

 

"And volunteered to stay with them overnight." Ronon smiles up at Rodney with a knowing look, wondering if he'll get a reaction.

 

"He did?" Rodney simply seems confused, "Why would he _do_ that?"

 

Ronon tilts his head at Rodney. ' _Come on McKay, you're not that oblivious.'_

 

When Rodney still acts confused, Ronon gives a look that spells it all out.

 

 _'There it is.'_ That hint of sadness in Rodney's face before he quickly covers it up with feigned disinterest.

 

Ronon has noticed that Rodney has always seemed upset by the idea of Sheppard being with someone else. But if Rodney feels something deeper for John, he sure isn't going to tell Ronon about it.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John is regretting listening to Ronon's advice about taking the biologists to the mainland.

 

Okay, so he thought Dr. Kiang was cute, but he couldn't have anything less in common with her. Sure, she talks as much as Rodney, but she isn't a thing like him. John really can't handle any more mind numbing conversation about plants today. 

 

Leaving her with the other scientist, John heads back to the Jumper. But there is a strange rustle somewhere nearby... And again another sound like someone's right behind him. 

 

John turns but is hit by a stunner before he can defend himself.

 

.

.

 

When John wakes, he's alone in a clearing, his hands tied together with some crude rope. Edging over to an outcropping rock, John rubs the rope against the sharp edge until he unravels the material.

 

His weapons and radio are gone but he makes his way back to the Jumper to rearm himself and call for help.

 

Crap. The insides of the Jumper have been torn apart. John takes a look around and curses in frustration. There is practically nothing here worth salvaging.

 

The best he finds is a knife; so he heads out with the blade and follows footprints on the ground to find the biologists. But they are gone, their equipment strewn about the forest floor.

 

Heading into the woods to look for them, John thinks he spots a Genii soldier. 

 

"Hello, John." A voice comes from behind him and he spins.

 

"Kolya!?" 

 

Something heavy hits him in the face before he blacks out again.

 

.

.

 

This time when John comes to, he's tied to a tree.

 

"Keep looking," Kolya is speaking into his radio, "they're scientists. Trust me, they don't run very fast." He looks to John, "You're awake. Save your energy, you're not getting away this time."

 

"I killed you." John struggles to understand how it's possible for Kolya to be here, let alone alive.

 

"You shot me. There's a difference."

 

"No" John remembers, he'd definitely been dead. "I killed you."

 

Koyla comes up with a story about using some Ancient technology to shield himself, but John's not entirely buying it. 

 

"How did you get here?" John demands; when Kolya doesn't answer, he tries again, "How'd you find us?"

 

"Turns out some of your off-world contacts aren't as trustworthy as you think. You're secret's out Sheppard."

 

Something about the way Kolya says the word 'secret's' and holds his gaze, makes the hair on the back of John's neck stand up... like he knows more secrets... other than where Atlantis is located.

 

John swallows and says nothing.

 

Finally, Kolya turns his eyes East, "A half day's walk in that direction will bring us to the edge of the mainland. I figure It'll take us maybe 2 days to reach Atlantis by boat."

 

John scoffs, "Before you even get to the edge of the city, they're going to blow you out of the water."

 

"No. They won't even see us coming. They'll be too busy counting their dead."

 

"What are you going to do?" John clenches against his bindings.

 

Pulling out a pair of gloves, Kolya puts them on, speaking slowly and deliberately, "Send an explosive through your gate, cripple the city's defenses. But for that, I'm going to need something from you. I think you call it an IDC."

 

"Go to hell." John wil die before giving them any access codes.

 

"Yeah," Kolya finishes putting on his gloves, "I thought you would need some convincing."

 

He slams a heavy fist into the side of John's face. He'd have fallen to the ground if the rope weren't holding him up against the tree. Kolya continues to deliver a savage beating, kicking and pummeling John's body into submission. He seems to take great delight from the endeavor. John is barely conscious when he stops.

 

"You can tolerate more than any man I've ever known." Kolya sounds out of breath.

 

 _'Yeah, a training course with the Taliban will do that to you.'_ John weakly blinks through the blood running down his face.

 

"Now why is that?" Kolya asks.

 

John tries to breathe through his cracked ribs. _'Growing up the way he did, the things he experienced in war.. Not much of anything can reach him now… Except maybe Rodney.'_ "Well, I was married once." he cracks.

 

Bending down to John's level, Kolya leers, "You're here in the Pegasus Galaxy to protect your people, but half the time you can't even do that. That's what drives you isn't it?" Again Kolya is peering at John strangely as if he can read his mind, "Your past failures."

  
Again Kolya's fist slams into John's jaw, leaving him slumped to one side. "You think by not giving me the IDC, you're keeping you're people safe? You're just putting off the inevitable. It's over. You can't protect them. You, those scientists, your friends back at Atlantis, they're as good as dead."

 

"Well," Kolya backs away, "I see that asking nice isn't working. I'm going to have to make other plans." He pulls out his radio, "Two men, report to my position."

 

"On our way" comes the reply.

 

"In a couple of minutes," Kolya threatens, "You're going to wish you'd given me that IDC. You think you can protect him now? You think you can keep Rodney safe? You had your chance, and now you're going to fail him just like you failed Holland and the others."

 

John squints to hide his fear and confusion. _'How can Kolya know any of this?'_

 

"You thought I didn't know about Rodney? I know all your secrets, John. You're nothing more than a hollow husk, no wonder you don't mind being tortured." Kolya sneers, "You torture yourself everyday."

 

Trying to hide his emotion, John doesn't take the bait. He argues with Kolya that there's no way he can use the Jumper to access the city. But Kolya tells him he has a work around for the Ancient gene needed to operate it.

 

The soldiers untie his hands and the two of them hold his arms, stretching them away from his body. 

 

The blade comes down fast on his forearm and John lets out a bloodcurdling scream as his limb is severed. Thankfully, he loses consciousness again.

 

.

.

 

  
John blinks and the world comes back into focus. His truncated arm has been bandaged, they've done something else to stop the bleeding. But the pain is overwhelming, throbbing, sharp, clouding his mind with every pulse.

 

Kolya is standing over him, "You're an interesting man, Sheppard. You travel to another galaxy, risk your life defending a bunch of people you don't even know. If you ask me, you're either someone with a death wish, or someone running away from something."

 

"So," Kolya bends down on one knee, "tell me, what are you running away from?"

 

Struggling to stay conscious, John's eyes glaze over in pain, his sight obscured by the blood dripping off his brow.

 

"It's okay," Kolya shakes his head, "you don't need to tell me, I already know your secrets, the reasons you choose to run away from yourself. You're so transparent. In a way... You disappoint me, John. I didn't think you'd be this easy to break. Even those two scientists you came with put up more of a fight before we killed them."

 

Hearing that, John's eyes widen and his nostrils flare in anger.

 

"Just another two you couldn't save." Kolya taunts.

 

_'How can Kolya know all of these things about him, just what to say to tear him down the most?'_

 

Kolya and his men are momentarily distracted by discussing how they've been able to use John's severed hand to activate the Jumper. Summoning every last bit of energy at his disposal, John jerks his body away from the tree and runs to hide in the forest.

 

Jesus. The pain is blinding, but he can't let them get to Atlantis.

 

John holds his wounded arm and carefully wraps it up into one of the cords from his vest. Gingerly he secures if to his chest. Fuck. His ribs, he can barely get any air.

 

It isn't easy with one arm, but John stops them, ambushing the soldiers one by one until there is only Kolya left.

 

Using one of the guns he stole from a dead Genii soldier, John fires at Kolya as he is tackled to the ground.

 

He feels himself rolling over the edge of a cliff and grabs desperately with his remaining hand to hold onto something. His fingers grasp a viney plant and he dangles without the strength to pull himself up.

 

The drop below is too far to survive.

 

At the top of the cliff, Kolya calls down, his voice suddenly calm, "This has gone on long enough. Use your other hand…" he urges, "Go on."

 

Pulling his damaged hand from the vest, John is shocked to see it has reappeared intact.

 

"I have no intention of letting you die." Kolya tells him. "Now, climb back up, John."

 

Unwinding his arm from the cord, John pulls himself up.

 

The pain has disappeared, in fact, all of his injuries seem to be gone; John stands upright and pulls out his knife, keeping his distance. "What the hell is going on here?"

 

'Kolya' admits that he is really an artificial intelligence that has been slumbering in a device, dormant until recently discovered by McKay at the bottom of the ocean.

 

It's seed carrier holds a repository containing the history of the Sekkari people and the chemical compounds necessary to produce, sustain, and develop the extinct race again. The aim of this ruse has been to study Atlantis and determine what kind of beings they are.

 

It tells John, "As a soldier, you were a threat. If anyone was to use force to secure the repository, it would have been you, the military man. So I connected with your mind to distract you."

 

"Distract me?" John shakes angrily. "Making me think the Jumper had been sabotaged  
would have been enough of a distraction."

 

"You would have discovered the subterfuge. I'm unable to maintain a static illusion over time. It was necessary to keep your mind... occupied "

 

"And that's what you chose!?"

 

"What _you_ chose." the entity tells him. "I didn't have full control over your hallucination or direction it took. It was your mind driving the diversion. I merely played along."

 

"Are you saying I tortured myself?" John whispers hoarsely.

 

You torture yourself every day, John." Kolya's image stares at him with those piercing eyes again."

 

He exhales and looks to the ground. _'That's true enough.'_ John wonders if this thing can read his mind. How else would it know about Rodney?

 

"But in this case," The illusion continues, "it was your mind manifesting your darkest fears. You were the architect of your own self-deception."

 

The image flickers away and John is left with those haunting words. _'The architect of your own deception... You torture yourself every day, John.'_

 

Both of the biologists are alive and well when he returns to the Jumper. One of them stands up, "Colonel, where were you? Do you know how long we've been sitting here waitin-"

 

In a foul mood, John tells them to shut up and get in the Jumper.

 

Back on Atlantis, Rodney fills John in on the missing details. He found a device on the ocean floor  but there had been a power struggle with the IOA about whether to dismantle it to gain access to its technology.

 

Since accessing the repository would destroy the ability for the artificial intelligence to reseed life on a silica based planet, Woolsey eventually decides to help send the Sekkarian device on its intended voyage; despite whatever fallout might come his way.

 

So, John tries to set his own bitter feelings aside and pitch in with the effort, helping Rodney wheel the thing into the gate room in order to send it to its original destination.

 

Still, he is suspicious, something about all this just doesn't add up to him.

 

.

.

 

_'You are the architect of your own self-deception.'_

 

That phrase has been running through his mind for weeks. Why did Rodney and Woolsey have such benign hallucinations while John's had been a waking nightmare?

 

He has been running a long time, long before he ever met Rodney. Driven by fear of facing himself, of what he might be, fear of being so inadequate, fear of failing everyone he's cared for.

 

Only now the pain has become unbearable. Because of Rodney. He makes John feel too much, he can't turn himself off when he's around him.

 

But everyday, for years now, John's had to hide his true feelings about Rodney. And it is torture.

 

_'You torture yourself every day, John.'_

 

When Rodney took John aside to confide that he wanted to ask Jennifer to come with him to a physics lecture on Earth, John had hidden his feelings well.

 

He'd encouraged him to do it and Rodney had looked so damn nervous and excited… so flustered.

 

Flustered in a way that made John want to kiss it all away. To stop Rodney from talking, to make him speechless with passion.

 

John can't do it anymore, keep this up, torturing himself like this by watching Rodney fall for Jennifer. There has to be some way to let go of all the suffering, to escape back to a place of numb detachment... He should just do what he's always been best at and run away from it all.

 

.

.

 

Ronon seems puzzled, "You sure you don't want to spend your leave going back to Earth with McKay and the others?" 

 

"No," John offers a fake explanation, "the SGC doesn't have a ZPM, so 2 weeks on Earth means 3 weeks cooped up in the Daedalus. That's 5 weeks of missing work. We only get one of those every year and a half, so I'd like to save mine for something more special."

 

"So, we're going camping instead?" Ronon asks unenthusiastically.

 

"On a beach that's never been surfed or even touched. You know you got to be a little more excited about this thing."

 

"Uh-huh" Ronon sounds bored.

 

John gestures to Jennifer and Rodney looking cozy together over at another cafeteria table, "Hey, check that out."

 

"What?"

 

John pushes his lips together and a crease appears in his brow, "Think he's ever going to make a move?

 

"Who cares." Ronon snarls.

 

Following Ronon to a table, John shakes his head. Ronon's right, its better not to know.

 

They sit out of the line of sight from the happy couple and begin eating, but John just can't let it go. He mumbles to Ronon that he'll be right back, then stealthily skirts the edge of the main cafeteria until he is within earshot of Rodney and Jennifer.

 

He gathers from the conversation that Rodney has asked her to the physics excursion already. but Jennifer doesn't sound excited about it, "Yeah, it doesn't really sound like fun."

 

"Well, there'll be drinks, probably, and maybe those little sandwiches" Rodney adds hopefully, "And me, I'll be there."

 

"You don't have to fabricate all these reasons on why you need me to be with you." Jennifer tells him, "You could just ask me out on a date."

 

"Hey, I didn't want to…" Rodney seems caught off guard, "I mean, I know you…"

 

Jennifer cuts him off, "I'll probably say yes."

 

"Well," Rodney blinks and tries to act cool, "you want to go to this thing with me?"

 

"Sure. I'd love to." Jennifer smiles and looks pleased.

 

John's heart skips a beat when he sees Rodney's expression. He's adorable when he's so happily shocked.

 

"Well, I'd love… I mean, that's good. Good. Great. That's…"

 

"It's a date." Jennifer finalizes things.

 

Rodney tries to repeat the statement but it barely comes out as a whisper, "It's a date."

 

John tells himself this is good. Rodney isn't going to miss out on his chance to be with Jennifer in this timeline. But it doesn't change things for him. He's still hopelessly in love with Rodney and the despair he feels over losing him forever is a torture he can't take anymore. 

 

He makes his way back to Ronon's table, grateful that he won't have to see either of them for a few weeks.  

 

.

.

 

While Rodney is gone on his trip with Jennifer, John is almost able to shut the pain away. He stays active and distracts himself in any way he can. 

 

But when Rodney gets back, it's harder to ignore the gut-wrenching feeling. Every time he sees him, John feels like his chest has been ripped open by a knife, he feels too vulnerable, everything is raw.

 

When Rodney corners him and recounts his trip to Earth, John is practically crawling out of his skin. He lets him go on for while until he finds a natural opening to leave.

 

Once he makes his escape, John goes straight to his quarters to finish up a long overdue project. Writing it all out is therapeutic, like a weight is being lifted off his shoulders. It feels like such a relief to let go and formalize his letter of resignation.

 

Rodney had been so eager to tell John about his exciting adventure back on Earth. How his colleague's experiment had malfunctioned and Rodney had been there to save the day.

 

Saved Jennifer too... by cutting down a door with an axe before she could succumb to hypothermia.

 

The worst part of the story was that Jennifer told Rodney she loved him, just before they shared their first kiss. Only Rodney's version had been a lot longer than that. It had seemed to go on forever. John thought he'd never be able to get away.

 

It's odd that Jennifer chose the same words John told Rodney all those years ago... That day in John's room, after Rodney had fallen unconscious from effects of the Ascension machine. 

 

_"I've loved you for some time now."_

 

Actually, he'd said that exact phrase again when Rodney was semi-conscious from that brain parasite… Not that Rodney would have remembered. And Jennifer would certainly have no way of knowing that. It's just weird.

 

Once John has written everything down, he heads to the gym to work out some of his frustration.

 

Ronon shows up after a while, in a much better mood. He tells John that he's started dating that cute chick in the Gate Room, Amelia. John tries to congratulate him and sound positive but he doesn't pull it off well.

 

"What's wrong with you?" Ronon gives him a sidelong look.

 

"Nothing." John shakes his head, "I'm actually feeling... better."

 

"Uh-huh?" Ronon sounds unconvinced.

 

"Or at least I will be." John gives a long blink then gives in to Ronon's gaze and sighs.

 

"I wasn't planning on telling you like this." he narrows his eyes, "I've got a lot on my mind… Guess I'm not doing the best job at hiding it."

 

"Why don't you just tell me what's up?"

 

"Um," John rubs his neck nervously, "I made a decision about Atlantis, and, uh, thing is… I'm leaving."

 

Ronon stares darkly for a moment, "Just like that..."

 

"I have to." John lowers his eyes.

 

"I don't know why you think you need to leave to move on."

 

"Because I," John lets his mask slip and the pain bleed through, "I literally can't take it anymore. Besides, you'll all be fine without me, you've got Teyla and Amelia, Rodney's got Carson and Jennifer…"

 

"So, where does that leave you?"

 

"I don't know yet. I'll figure it out when I get there. I just don't want to be around for Rodney to show me another fucking ring or ask me to be his best man. It's torture, a little more every day. It's hard enough trying to keep that hidden now, I, I just can't keep doing this."

 

"You going to transfer somewhere else?"

 

"No" John hangs his hands on his hips, "No more military."

 

"So what then?"

 

"Like I said… I don't know."

 

Ronon frowns at him, "This is the part where I'm supposed to talk you out of it."

 

"Oh yeah? How's that going to go?"

 

"Well, I'm not gonna try to."

 

"You're not?"

 

"No. You know what I'd say anyway… That running isn't going to change anything… You're just running from yourself and it would be better to face your fears with friends by your side… Who, by the way, would do anything for you… And, uh, not that we need you or anything, but…You, uh, you're kind of irreplaceable, Sheppard."

 

"But you're not going to say any of that."

 

"No. Don't have to. You know it already."

 

John smiles at Ronon and pats him on the shoulder, "I'll miss you, too."

 

After a moment Ronon asks, "When?"

 

"I don't know that either, I just… I just wrote my letter of resignation. When it seems like the right time to go, I'll hand it in."

 

"Shit."

 

"Sorry, buddy."

 

"Anyone else know?"

 

"Uh, no. I'm not going to tell them. I hate having to say goodbyes… you know?"

 

"Just like that?" Ronon looks angry, "You're not going to say anything to Teyla?"

 

Shuffling his feet, John looks at the floor, "Was kinda hoping you might hand out a couple letters for me."

 

"Shit." Ronon shakes his head. "And you're going to leave without ever telling Rodney-"

 

"The timeline is the way it's supposed to be."

 

"Bullshit, you're just scared."

 

John presses his lips together and says nothing. Maybe Ronon's a little bit right, but it doesn't matter any more.

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes places in Season 5, during/ after episode 15 "Remnants" & during/ after episode 16 "Brain Storm"  
> .


	15. If John doesn't care, he'll date Jennifer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney's tried to return the feelings Jennifer has for him... only his heart still belongs to John._  
> .

.

.

It isn't often that Jennifer joins them on field missions; smiling at her, Rodney can't get over how amazing she is. He still can't really believe she actually wants to be with him.

 

"How you doing?" he wonders if she's figured out yet why her new retrovirus caused Todd's Hive to get sick.

 

She just sighs; Rodney is sympathetic, "Ooh! That good, huh?"

 

"I don't know." Jennifer pushes a strand of hair, "I guess I'm making progress. I found out what was killing them."

 

"You did?" 

 

"Mmm-hmm. The treatment worked exactly like it was supposed to. It eliminated their feeding hands, it activated their digestive system just like it did in the simulation, but unfortunately, it also created a virulent cancer-like disease at the same time that was weakening their immune systems. That's what killed them."

 

He can't stop noticing how pretty Jennifer is and murmurs, "Well, is there anything you can do about it?"

 

"I don't know." Jennifer is glum, "Maybe. It's possible."

 

Rodney can't stop thinking about the fact that Jennifer said she loves him; it seems so... unreal. Of course he's attracted to her and cares about her a lot, he just hasn't been able to return those words yet. But he hopes to, very soon.

 

Continuing to assure her that she'll make it work, he steps behind her and begins massaging her shoulders to help her relax. It seems to do the trick.

 

But they aren't able to stay long enough for Jennifer to complete her research. The organic ship begins ripping itself apart, apparently from the same disease effecting the crew. The hallways close them in and they are trapped. The only choice is to take Todd out of stasis and get him to help.

 

He is not pleased that they haven't yet discovered a cure, "You woke me for this?" Todd growls.

 

They argue with him about trying to land the disintegrating ship, but he wants to focus on the cure instead.

 

For a brief time Jennifer works with him, but when it becomes impossible to complete the task in time, Todd makes another proposal. There is an ancient practice of allowing an Iratus bug Queen  to feed on a terminally ill Wraith to restore it to health and Todd wants to travel to a planet less than 3 days away where the Iratus bugs live.

 

At first, John isn't willing to consider it, but when the ship literally begins to tear in two, Todd is forced to make a crash landing. In return, John promises to take him to this planet where he can seek his Iratus cure.

 

Rodney doesn't know what it is about John and that Wraith. Exchanging favors has practically become a tradition between the two of them.

 

.

.

 

Back on Atlantis, Rodney tosses restlessly to the other side of his bed, unable to sleep. Maybe he should cut back on the coffee a little bit…

 

Stretching his hand out across the mattress, he can't help but think of John. John was the reason  he got this stupid oversized thing in the first place… Rodney had imagined he might stop sleeping on the couch and join him up here.

 

There haven't been many times when he and John slept together in the same bed... but it has always been so perfect.

 

Once they are touching, all fear and confusion is forgotten. It isn't even about sex, they haven't done anything like that in years. It's just, when John is holding him, Rodney feels like he is home.

 

There are too many times that Rodney has let himself hope about John, he can't let himself do it again. it always ends the same way, despairing and alone.

 

This mattress is a relic of one of those past episodes where Rodney had allowed himself to think John might want more. A reminder of what he can't have.

 

He should know better by now…

 

But if Rodney is honest with himself, there's still a part of him, a part of his heart, that will always belong to John. It keeps him from being able to move on and feel the way he should about Jennifer.

 

The trip to Earth had been a rush, saving the day when that idiot Malcolm Tunney's machine malfunctioned at the conference.

 

When he'd rescued Jennifer, she'd kissed him and told him that she'd loved him, "For some time now".

 

Something about that phrase had given Rodney a sense of Deja-vu... or maybe he just heard it somewhere before.

 

Had John said something like it that day they almost kissed?… that he had needed to tell Rodney something _'for some time now'?_

 

Rodney supposes it isn't really the same, he only imagined the part where John loved him back.

 

Hearing Jennifer's profession, having someone finally want and care about him... Well, it had been exhilarating. Her soft lips so inviting and succulent. Rodney felt a rush of warmth flood through his body despite the ice temperature of the water she'd nearly succumbed to. 

 

Even though Jennifer had agreed to officially go on a date with him, hearing her confess such strong feelings had been a shock. It's hard to believe that someone as beautiful and alluring as her would choose him over Ronon.

 

When Rodney got back to Atlantis, he'd waited for the right moment to talk to John. Strategically placing the story together, he wanted to gauge his reactions.

 

He'd watched his face as he told him about the trip. John just smiled emptily, seeming mildly bored even during the most dramatic part of the story when Rodney realized that Jennifer was stranded and freezing to death in the ice cold water.

 

"I don't know what I would have done if I lost her." 

 

A disinterested nod had been the only reply. John's eyes glanced to the door as if he was politely waiting for Rodney to finish.

 

To capture John's attention, Rodney skipped to the part where he broke down the door with an axe and gave Jennifer CPR. "I don't know if it was just the excitement, 'cause I saved her life and all, but she kissed me and told me that she..."

 

"She said she loved me." Rodney peered up at John, "That she had for some time now."

 

Then Rodney saw a flicker of something in John's eyes, "She said what?"

 

At least John seemed to be listening to that part.

 

"Well, ah, yeah, that's what she said."

 

"What did she say, exactly?" John's face went still.

 

"Um, she… she said, _'I love you. I have for some time now.'_ Uh, yeah, that's how she put it."

 

For a moment, John's lips pressed down into a slight frown before looking back at Rodney with a smile, "Weird. …I mean, good. Good weird, right?"

 

"What part is weird?"

 

"The, ah… No. I just mean, you say 'neat', I say 'weird'. Like, as in… 'way to go Rodney'." John's expression had been calm and congratulatory.

 

"So, you think she meant it?"

 

"Absolutely." John's eyes sparkled with genuine warmth as he touched Rodney on the shoulder, "I know she meant it. You got the girl, now don't wait 6 months to ask her out on a second date."

 

"No-no-no. Things with Katie were different. There was a reason I didn't… Anyway, we're going to watch Dr. No tomorrow night, they're screening it in the rec room. So, second date, already in place."

 

"That sounds great." John gave Rodney a conspiratorial side smile, "It really does. I got a good a feeling about this."

 

"You do?"

 

"I do. I definitely do." John's smile deepened; there had been no trace of emotion other than solid encouragement for Rodney to pursue Jennifer.

 

He should have known John wouldn't care whether or not he was seeing someone. But it was still a bit of a disappointment that he was so unmoved. Something about it seemed so final, like John was not only giving a blessing to the relationship but that he never expected to be that close with Rodney again.

 

For some reason Rodney feels more sad about that than he is excited about Jennifer.

 

And he's been dating Jennifer for over a month. Right now he should be dreaming about her spending the night in his big bed, not missing the old days when John used to spend nights and days hanging out in his room.

 

.

.

 

Rodney has been a little worried that Jennifer missed their lunch date and hasn't been responding to his calls over the comm. 

 

When he finally finds her in one of the corridors, he runs up to her, "There you are! I've been looking all over for you. Is your radio not working? I called, like, 1,000 times."

 

Jennifer just stammers at him.

 

He reaches up with familiarity and takes the comm from her ear, "All right. Here."

 

She grabs his arm and looks at him oddly.

 

"Whoa-whoa-whoa." Rodney smiles, "I just wanted to check your earwig. Here we go."

 

Lifting her hair gently, he removes the headset, "There we go. It's probably just a dead battery." Rodney chirps merrily, "Come on, schnitzel day. We've got to hurry, though 'cause it's going fast."

 

"So what happened?" He asks, as she follows him toward the cafeteria.

 

"What do you mean?" She seems confused.

 

"Well, hello, our lunch date? You were supposed to meet me, like, half an hour ago."

 

"I must have forgotten."

 

"Hey." Rodney turns to look at her more closely, "What's wrong? You seem distracted. Is something bothering you?" He hopes he hasn't messed everything up somehow.

 

Jennifer shakes her head slightly but she isn't looking at him the way she normally does.

 

Oh no. Rodney knew this thing with Jennifer was too good to be true. He was bound to fuck up before too long; he continues nervously, "Did I do something? I did, didn't I ? What'd I do?"

 

"Nothing," Jennifer shakes her head again, "I just… I'm not…"

 

A voice breaks over the comm Rodney is holding in his hand, "Dr. Keller?... Dr. Keller please respond!"

 

"Just a second." Rodney holds the earpiece up to his mouth and hands it back to Jennifer, "It's for you. Working fine, apparently." _'Okay, so Jennifer just didn't want to talk to him.'_

 

"Hello?" Jennifer fits the earpiece on her head, questioning. "Dr. Zelenka?"

 

Rodney impatiently touches his earpiece to join the conversation, "What's wrong with Zelenka? Is this about another one of his so-called migraines? 'Cause if it is, you can just send him right down to..."

 

The nurse on the other line speaks, "He's been stabbed!"

 

"Stabbed?" Rodney is shocked, "What do you mean, stabbed? Like with a knife, stabbed? By who?"

 

"I don't know," The nurse answers, "an S.O. S. just radioed us. He's unconscious, losing a lot of blood. They're rushing him to the infirmary."

 

Rodney tells them they're on their way. Hurrying to the infirmary, Rodney stares at Zelenka and then back to Jennifer. She is acting so strangely, like she's confused by everything around her.

 

Then Jennifer freezes up on the operating table and tells the staff to take over for her because she isn't feeling well.

 

After her team completes the surgery for her, Rodney joins John to update Woolsey about Zelenka's condition. He's still in an induced coma but they're hopeful he'll recover. Woolsey instructs John to run a full investigation and get to the bottom of this attack.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Ronon stops by to check up on Jennifer; leaning in the doorway trying to look his sexiest, he gazes at her with warmth and protectiveness, "Hey. I heard you weren't feeling well."

 

"No." Jennifer responds plainly.

 

"Can I come in?" he ventures.

 

Jennifer looks unsure, "All right." 

 

"So," Ronon ambles up to her, "what's wrong with you?"

 

"I don't know." She shakes her head, "I'm just... tired?"

 

He looks at her intently and smiles, "Been pushing yourself real hard lately."

 

"Yes. Well." Jennifer stumbles, "I mean, you know me, I'm always pushing myself real hard."

 

Ronon walks in closer, his feelings for her haven't changed and he knows he isn't hiding it very well.

 

"What?" She meets his gaze.

 

He knows she said she wasn't interested, but he'd been hoping to see something in her eyes, something he'd sworn was there before.

 

"Nothing." He doesn't see it, she's looking at him like she doesn't even know him; still, he finds himself drawn in, edging even closer to her. 

 

"Anyway, I'll be fine, I just need to…" Jennifer stops talking.

 

"Hi." Rodney's voice projects from the open door.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Looking at Ronon and Jennifer standing so close to each other, Rodney asks, "Am I interrupting anything?"

 

Maybe this is why Jennifer was acting strangely; maybe she's chosen Ronon after all.

 

Ronon steps back and Jennifer answers with an easygoing, "No."

 

"Good." but Rodney feels uncertain, "I mean um,… I just dropped by to let you know that Beckett is on his way back. He'll be able to fill in for you while you're… ill"

 

Jennifer nods politely.

 

Resenting Ronon's presence, Rodney mumbles, "Great. Yeah, we've sent a Puddle Jumper for him."

 

"A Puddle Jumper?" Jennifer raises her eyebrows.

 

"Well, he's in some remote desert village." Rodney explains, "It'll take too long to walk back to the gate, so it's easier just to, you know, hitch a ride."

 

"A ride on a Puddle Jumper" Jennifer repeats in a strange tone.

 

Rodney is acutely aware of the fact that Ronon has been staring at Jennifer this whole time, "Yeah." he answers.

 

There is an awkward silence until Ronon and Rodney finally look at each other.

 

"Maybe we should leave, you know, let her get some rest." Rodney suggests.

 

"Yeah." Ronon gazes at Jennifer in concern.

 

He waits for Ronon to leave first and then sincerely tells her, "Call me if you need anything."

 

"I will." she promises.

 

.

.

 

When Carson arrives, his medical scan turns up nothing. But Jennifer will be staying in the med lab for overnight observation. Rodney keeps a watchful eye on her life signs detector. Later that night he notices that she's headed to the Jumper bay.

 

He leaves to go check on her and finds her in a shuttle, "What are you doing?"

 

Jennifer spins around in the pilot's chair, "Uh, I couldn't sleep."

 

This is where he'd expect to find John late at night, but never Jennifer; Rodney screws his face up, puzzled, "What, so you came up to the Jumper Bay?"

 

"Yeah, I thought I'd go for a ride."

 

"In a Puddle Jumper?" 

 

"Is there a problem with that?" Jennifer challenges.

 

"A few." Rodney frowns, "For starters you don't have the Ancient gene so you can't fly one. But you already know that."

 

"Can you fly it?" Jennifer buzzes flirtatiously.

 

"Of course I can. That's not the point." He can fly pretty well now, thanks to all John's lessons. "Look," Rodney continues, "you should be back in the infirmary."

 

Jennifer stands up and walks close to him, "But you can take me for a ride."

 

She rubs his arms and Rodney's eyes go big, "What, now?"

 

"It would really help me relax." Jennifer leans into him.

 

"I thought Beckett gave you a pill for that." Rodney wonders.

 

"They didn't work." Jennifer sighs and pouts.

 

"Oh..." Rodney flushes.

 

She pulls Rodney toward the controls, purring, "Yeah. Come on. Please? Just you and me? Alone."

 

Jennifer pulls her lips close to his, her hands move up around Rodney's shoulders, "You could take me somewhere secluded. And we could… make love underneath the stars."

 

Rodney's pulse quickens and he kicks himself for the fact that they haven't slept together already. He's been such an idiot, giving Ronon a chance to move in. Clearly, Jennifer's wanted this right from the start, she's spelled it out for him a few times.

 

He feels stupid for waiting. 6 weeks ago, Jennifer told Rodney she loved him. And it's been so intense, so good since then. It's just, he wanted to return her feelings, to be able to say the same words back to her before they...

 

Well, it seems silly now. He  _has_ feelings for her, and they are getting stronger by the day. There's no need to wait for it to feel like love. Rodney wants her badly. He knows the sex will be amazing, much better than it ever was with mild Katie. The blood rushes to Rodney's cock and he can hardly think straight.

 

"Really?" Rodney gulps.

 

"Would you like that?" Jennifer whispers on his lips.

 

"Well, yeah!" ' _What's not to like?'_  Then Rodney manages to have a practical thought, "I mean, I'd have to get a blanket though, because the mainland's groundcover is loaded with allergens."

 

"Let's just go now." Jennifer shakes her head spontaneously.

 

"Wait." Rodney's brain is working again, "Wait. No-no-no-no. Look, look. You should go back to the infirmary."

 

"Forget about the infirmary." Jennifer is insistent, "I need to be with you."

 

"Jennifer, please." Rodney flushes.

 

"Come on." She pleads, "I mean, just a quick ride. Don't you want to be with me?"

 

 "No. No, I just… _Yes!_ " This all seems wrong to Rodney, "I just…" he protests against Jennifer's ministrations, "Will you stop? Look, I don't know what's wrong with you, but you are clearly not yourself. I'm taking you back to the infirmary."

 

"No." she pulls away.

 

"Well, you can argue all you want, I'm not letting you-"

 

"You're not taking me anywhere." Jennifer's voice becomes strained.

 

"Jennifer, now, I need you to listen to me." Rodney tries to reason with her, "As soon as you are cured of whatever it is that is affecting you, you're going to thank me for this, so let's go."

 

He tries to grab her physically but she spins around and pulls a gun on him.

 

"What are you doing?" Rodney is aghast.

 

"You should have taken me on that ride." Jennifer looks at him menacingly.

 

Rodney is trying to figure out if she's really going to shoot him when the sound of Ronon's stunner rings out and Jennifer crumples to the ground unconscious.

 

_'Okay. Guess he wasn't the only one keeping tabs on her tonight.'_

 

He and Ronon take Jennifer back to medical where she is placed in restraints. Both of them are pretty sure now, that whoever this is, it's not Jennifer.

 

Under questioning she admits that her name is Neeva and she has no idea how she ended up here. One minute she was going through some Ancestral artifacts and the next she was in Atlantis, in another woman's body.

 

As John questions her, it comes out that she's a petty thief. The artifact she was touching before she found herself here fits the description of a piece of Ancient technology capable of transferring consciousness between bodies. She'd been touching one of the consciousness transferring stones at the time. 

 

Then it begins to come together.

 

Jennifer recently touched a stone that had been in Janus's lab. It must have still been connected to this machine somehow.

 

The imposter, Neeva, agrees to help them get back to the planet and switch their minds back, provided they let her go free afterwards. She says she didn't mean to hurt Zelenka, she was just startled and felt threatened by him.

 

Since they need her, they take her with them. The village is a few hours hike from the gate and they barely arrive in time to stop the real Jennifer from being executed for the attempted theft. In the process Neeva runs and a shoot out ensues between the villagers and Neeva's accomplices.

 

When it's all over, Jennifer's body has been wounded and shot in the stomach. Carrying her back to the magistrates office, they convince him to let Carson treat her and use the Ancient device to restore Jennifer to her rightful body. 

 

No one at Stargate Command has ever figured out how to turn these consciousness transferring devices off, so John and Rodney confer about what to do.

 

Finally, Ronon just shoots it with his powerful rifle and Jennifer wakes up herself at last.

 

.

.

 

Once Jennifer is safely back in the infirmary on Atlantis, Rodney brings her flowers and chocolates; settling into the nearby chair he asks, "So I was thinking, when you're feeling better, we could maybe, you know, go for a ride."

 

"A ride?" she asks.

 

Thinking about the imagery Neeva planted in his mind, Rodney continues, "Yeah, you know, take the Puddle jumper, go to the mainland, maybe have a picnic, maybe lay out under the stars."

 

She blinks at him.

 

"What?" Rodney isn't sure how to interpret her reaction.

 

"You did turn off that communication terminal, right?" Jennifer points to his head with a smile, "There's no one else in there?"

 

"No, it's really me." Rodney grins.

 

"'Cause a Puddle Jumper ride and the picnic under the stars, I mean, that's just so…"

 

"So not me." Rodney feels stupid, "Okay. Right. No, bad idea."

 

"No." Jennifer takes his hand, "I think it's a great idea."

 

Beaming back at her, everything feels perfect. The only way life could be any better was if John-

 

No-no-no-no. He won't let himself go there.

 

_'Happy moment with Jennifer. Focus on that.'_

 

Whatever happened with John is long over. Things are good enough the way they are.

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 5, during/ after episode 17 "Infection" & during episode 18 "Identity"  
> .


	16. Suicide Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _With the fate of Earth in the balance, John sacrifices himself to save everyone._  
> .

.  
.

After Dad died, Dave began to find out about hidden aspects of their business. He figured he'd been the one running everything for years now.

 

But as unfamiliar associates began to make themselves known to Dave in the months after his father passed away, he's since come to understand that a great deal of his father's success... at least over the last decade, has come through the acquisition of certain technologies. Technologies still unknown to the public, but ones that Patrick Sheppard's unique, and not always legal connections, allowed him access to.

 

Dave always knew there were silent investors, but he never guessed how influential they really were or how much control they had over certain aspects of the business he knew nothing about... strange new energy sources, advanced nannies, and so much more.

 

Some of these investors were organized under a group called 'The Trust'; but they seem to have since reorganized into a foundation calling itself 'The Syndicate'. Digging deeper, Dave becomes more concerned as he realizes that some of these technologies seem to be coming from classified government projects.

 

Various companies owned by the Sheppard family have been supplying the Syndicate with liquid assets to pursue research in exchange for access to the technology. These breakthroughs certainly have been lucrative, but... What was Dad thinking? Shadowy organizations operating outside the law? This kind of thing could ruin the business for good.

 

Unable to get much further with his own research into these dealings, Dave asked Nancy if she might be able to help him privately. What she'd been able to report back to him only confirmed his worst fears. Though she couldn't get ahold of the classified research, she knew these leaks were something the government had been trying to shut down for years.

 

"This isn't the kind of thing you want to be digging into." Nancy warned. "Whatever your Dad was into, you need to figure out how to end it."

 

"Yeah, I'm starting to get that." Dave explained, "The thing is, we're already in bed with these guys and I need to know how big a hole we're in."

 

"Be careful Dave." Nancy sounded a little too worried, "Looking into this could make you a target."

 

Still, Dave decided he needed to know exactly who and what Dad got them involved with before abruptly severing their connections. He has more than a few employees who can hack into almost anything. One of them he even trusts.

 

After a couple days, his guy, Aaron, comes back to him saying he has some answers; though his expression is oddly frozen.

 

"Well, what is it?" Dave is impatient.

 

Aaron keeps staring awkwardly, "Well, I found some things. I just don't know if you're going to like it."

 

Dave sighs in frustration.

 

"Look, everything I found is here in this computer. It's, it's just too much to explain. You gotta read it... then destroy this laptop -completely."

 

Intrigued, Dave wonders what could possibly be so dangerous. Opening the laptop, Aaron leans over his shoulder to show him where the files and email correspondence are stored.

 

"Are you at all related to a Colonel John Sheppard?" Aaron blurts out.

 

"He's my brother." Dave stills. 'What could John possibly have to do with any of this?'

 

"Okay." Aaron chews his lip, "This file contains 7 years of SG-1 mission reports. But you're gonna want to start with these SGA files; there's about 5 years of them, maybe start with the ones your brother wrote."

 

Speechless, Dave frowns up at Aaron. 'It couldn't be that Dad involved John in some of this and left Dave out of the loop.'

 

"And, uh," Aaron twitters nervously, "If you get lost with any of the tech stuff, check back with the SG-1 folder logs. Most of the stuff started here in the Milky Way."

 

"Milky Way?"

 

"Yeah, I know. There's no way you're gonna believe it 'till you read it."

 

"And what does this have to do with the Syndicate exactly?" Dave asks.

 

"The SGC, Stargate Command, it's who they're stealing the tech from."

 

"Star..gate?…" Dave shakes his head in confusion, "How did my Dad get John involved in this?"

 

"Uh, I don't think he did." Aaron points to the laptop, "It says John Sheppard is the military commander of an outpost in another galaxy… the, uh, the Pegasus Galaxy, actually. See, the SGC has these teams that travel through Stargates-"

 

"Stargates." Dave looks at Aaron wondering if he's lost his mind.

 

"Stargates and wormholes… Aliens… Shit, man. It actually exists. I know, I know, I thought it was a joke at first, but the details make sense, it lines up with all the stuff we've been working on."

 

"And John is…" Dave shakes his head in disbelief, "in another galaxy?"

 

"Yeah, kicking some serious alien butt and acquiring new technology. Well, somewhat new, I guess a lot of it is thousands of years old, but new to us. It's what powers the Earth defense system."

 

"Earth… has a defense system... No, no, you know what, I'll just read this myself."

 

He tells Aaron to keep looking for anything else he can find and opens the first file.

 

What Dave reads is unbelievable. Alien technology found in Antarctica… His brother traveling on an expedition to another galaxy to discover its source and fight an alien race called the Wraith… His head is spinning. And John... his own brother is writing about alien races, other civilizations and technology... stuff the government's kept secret for years.

 

Guess that's why it takes so long to get messages to him.

 

The more Dave reads John's mission reports, the way he writes about these people in this far away place, it's obvious that John's come to see them as a kind of family. He feels a mixture of sadness over the fact that John would need to find a replacement for what he never had... but also a real pride that his brother is the commander of this military organization that has accomplished so much.

 

Dave stays up for days barely sleeping as he reads everything he has on Atlantis, the SGC base in Cheyenne Mountain, and the alien threats it has been fighting for over a decade.

 

Obviously, he was going to find a way to disentangle himself from the Syndicate, but now there is a deeper urgency. He can't do anything to hurt John or put him at risk. Whatever the fallout is, he has to cut all ties with these people and shelf the work on the nanite power cells immediately.

 

.  
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* * *

 

.  
.

 

Rodney races to repair the damaged Jumper before the modified Wraith Hive can destroy them completely. Even with the Daedalus doing its best to protect them and run interference, it's no match for the massive impenetrable ship.

 

It's useless. They don't stand a chance. There's no way the Daedalus is going to get through the armor on that giant thing.

 

Fingers nimbly fumbling over the circuitry, Rodney knew his happiness was too good to last. One moment he was with Jennifer on Atlantis as she was being released from the infirmary... blissfully dreaming of their moonlight picnic and everything else that would follow.

 

Now?

 

Now he's about to be killed by this giant Hive ship all souped up by a stolen ZPM. Fucking Todd. They should have let him die instead of dropping him off on that bug planet that cured his infection.

 

Sure this is the moment he's going to die, Rodney wishes he'd at least had a chance to be with Jennifer before-

 

"Rodney!" the sound of John's urgent voice from the cockpit cuts through Rodney's self-pity.

 

"I'm trying, I'm trying!" he yells back, "All right you should have flight controls now."

 

"What about weapons?" John shouts.

 

"Not a chance!" They're lucky to still have life support; God knows if the Daedalus is even going to make it at this point.

 

Teyla speaks up, "Something's happening."

 

Rodney moves up to the front of the Jumper in disbelief... The giant Hive ship... It's headed into hyperspace, without even bothering to finish them off.

 

Could this be part of Todd's plan? Rodney knew they shouldn't have listened to his story about how his underling stole the Hive from him; at least they have him locked up on Atlantis. Oh God. What if the Hive ship is headed there? With the ZPM advancements to its hyperdrive it could travel anywhere now.

 

"Todd…" Rodney mutters angrily.

 

"If he planned this I'll kill him myself..." John turns darkly, "but why didn't they finish us off, they had us dead to rights."

 

Hell if Rodney knows. If Todd was telling the truth... and the Hive is still in the process of growing, maybe it maxed out its power reserves, maybe it needs more time to fully adapt to the ZPM.

 

But if they can't destroy it now, they stand no chance against it once its completed.

 

.

.

 

Back aboard the Daedalus, Rodney thinks he may have a clue. A dim subspace signal was detected just before the Hive jumped away.

 

He recognizes it as a Wraith code but there is an unusual residual radiation. He's only ever seen it once before… when they encountered that 'alternate' Daedalus. It could only have been sent from a parallel dimension.

 

As he examines the code more closely, Rodney explains to the others, "Some Wraith, somewhere, in another reality sent a coded signal. Only whatever means they used to access subspace created a rift, allowing the signal to cross into multiple realities, including our own."

 

"So what does it say?" Ronon asks.

 

"Just give me a second" Rodney pushes a technician aside, "Move."

 

After a few moments he groans, "Oh great."

 

"What is it?" John questions.

 

"It's a set of coordinates." Rodney stands up slowly.

 

Coordinates to what?" Caldwell demands.

 

"Earth."

 

'Of course the Wraith would go straight for the planet they've been seeking all this time, their rich new feeding ground in the Milky Way.'

 

.  
.

* * *

 

.  
.

 

Relieved that they've made it back to Atlantis, John credits Rodney's ingenuity they were able to get the ship's hyperdrive limping back within a matter of days, rather than weeks. Woolsey tells them there's no indication that any other Wraith ships are heading for the Milky Way. Fortunately Rodney was right about the signal being too short and weak for regular Wraith ships to detect.

 

But the Apollo and Sun Tzu were nearly destroyed trying to stop the Wraith Super-Hive from reaching Earth; now they are crippled and stranded as well with no way to offer reinforcements.

 

That means there's only one ship left with any hope of defending Earth. Atlantis. And to make it fly they're going to need more ZPM's

 

John goes to interrogate the Wraith and confront him about the unlikely coincidences of how things always go sideways on them whenever he's involved.

 

Todd leans forward, "Then you've come to make good on your threat?"

 

"The other ZPM's you talked to Woolsey about, tell us where to get them and maybe it'll improve your situation."

 

"Am I supposed to be enticed by this offer?" The Wraith stares back at him blankly.

 

Considering it, John tilts his head with admission, "No, I'll probably kill you anyway. But... Don't forget this Wraith betrayed you and got away with it. For no other reason you might want to do it out of pure spite."

 

"You..." Todd leans back in his chair, "know how to talk to me John Sheppard." He laughs with a deep ghastly bellow.

 

.

.

 

When Lorne and the others return with 2 more ZPM's, John is still suspicious, he tells them to have Rodney run tests on the things before plugging them into the system.

 

He's about to go the chair room to fire up the star drive when Woolsey stops him, "Actually, Colonel, you won't be flying the city for us. In fact, you won't be coming with us at all."

 

"What are you talking about?"

 

"You have a half an hour to pack and then you'll be gating back to Earth. Even with the ZPMs, there's a good chance we won't get there in time, and Earth's only other line of defense is the Ancient weapons platform. General O'Neill wants you in the chair."

 

Woolsey extends a hand, "Good luck."

 

"Yeah, you too." John reaches out numbly and shakes on it.

 

In his mind, he sees Rodney installing the ZPMs, running his tests... he'll be upset when he realizes John's left without saying goodbye. But then John's never been one for goodbyes.

 

It'll be weird going back to Antarctica; it's a place that reminds him too much of the past. Being back there, it'll be hard not to think about Rodney.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney is irritated when he hears that John left without bothering to say anything to him, but he supposes it can't really be helped in a state of emergency.

 

He readies the chair for flight and checks the status of the ZPMs.

 

As Carson takes the chair, the city begins to rumble as the Stardrive engages and lifts them into the sky.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

When John steps through the Wormhole to the Cheyanne Mountain base, Sam takes him to the command room.

 

"You got to be kidding me." he stares at the image of the Hive ship orbiting the moon, "It's not supposed to be here for weeks."

 

So far the thing hasn't made a move and Sam guesses that its completing its ZPM upgrades before launching a full-scale attack.

 

John suggests they outfit some F-302's with nukes and head up to take it out.

 

"John, that's not why I brought you here." Sam tells him.

 

"I could sit in the chair and wait for the Wraith to get stronger or I can take the fight to them. What do you wanna do?" He asks.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Curious about why Woolsey has requested to speak with he and Teyla, Ronon steps towards the desk as Woolsey explains, "I wanted the opportunity to offer you both one last chance to reconsider."

 

"Reconsider what?" Ronon furrows his brow.

 

"Your involvement in this mission. I'm told we're about to pass the outer edge of the Pegasus Galaxy. If you wish to be dropped off, now would be the time."

 

He and Teyla exchange a look, Ronon knows she feels the same way he does.

 

Teyla begins, "Mr. Woolsey-"

 

But Woolsey interjects, "We've all grown so accustomed to having you here as part of the team, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that your priorities are not necessarily always the same as ours. You're being asked to fly to another galaxy to take what might turn out to be the losing part in a battle that isn't yours."

 

"You mean like everyone else on this base has been doing for the last 5 years?" Ronon can't help but smile at the irony.

 

"Thank you for your consideration, Mr. Woolsey," Teyla speaks up, "but I assure you it isn't necessary."

 

Ronon catches Woolsey's eye with a playful nod, "We're not going anywhere."

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Just as John is readying himself to pilot the newly outfitted F-302's for the attack run, Sam brings news of an incoming wave of Wraith Darts. They're headed for Area 51 since that was where the weapons chair was located in the alternate reality.

 

"Well, this should be easy." John gestures at her, "Well, evacuate the base, let them hit it. When they bring the Hive down, we'll take them out from Antarctica."

 

Sam shifts her gaze away and back to John; she looks like she's about to deliver some bad news.

 

"Right?" John asks uncertainly.

 

The bad news is that the chair was moved just less than a month ago. Something about international negotiations due to an Antarctic Non-Proliferation Treaty.

 

"Where?" John thinks he knows the answer already.

 

"Area 51." Sam answers uncomfortably.

 

'Okay. Maybe not so easy. Change of plans. Defend Area 51 at all costs.'

 

.

.

 

John's squadron of F-302's try to defend the base, but there are too many of them. They're seriously outnumbered and John isn't sure how they're going to be able to keep them all from getting through.

 

"Sheppard, two Darts have disengaged." Sam's voice comes over the comm, "They're headed for the deck."

 

He orders Riggs to break away from the main firefight with him to protect the chair. But there are two Darts on their tail. John maneuvers away from a weapons lock, but they get Riggs. Swerving to evade the burst of fire and wreckage, one of his wings still takes a hit.

 

The internal alarm goes off as his fighter spins out of control, veering toward the ground. It's not too badly damaged… if he can just get out of this tailspin.

 

Gripping the joystick, he speaks out loud, "Come on, baby. Come on. Come on."

 

He almost has it, but he's falling too low… John struggles desperately with all his strength on the throttle. It's moving slowly back up, it's moving…

 

Finally, the craft pulls upright in the nick of time. Jesus that was close. John literally sees the sagebrush on the desert below.

 

As he noses the fighter back up, he sees a pillar of smoke rising from the eastern part of the compound. "Stargate Command, this is Sheppard. Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"

 

"It was a nice try, John." Sam answers, "There was just too many of them. The chair's been destroyed."

 

Undeterred, John pulls the fighter up nose first.

 

"Sheppard, what are you doing?" she asks.

 

"I got an idea."

 

"Sheppard your orders are to return to the base."

 

"I still got a nuke. I'm gonna finish this mission."

 

"You don't have enough fuel." She argues, "You'll never make it to the Hive."

 

"He got what he wanted, He's gonna come to us. I've got enough fuel to establish orbit, then I'll shut everything down, except for basic life support. That way he won't detect me till it's too late."

 

"Even if that does work, given what we know about this ship, one nuke is not gonna be enough."

 

"No, not from the outside. I'll wait for him to enter orbit, I'll fire up my systems, shoot my way through the Dart bay door and fly the damn bomb right down his throat. Then, I'll detonate from the inside."

 

"John, I can't ask you to do that." Sam's voice is heavy with the understanding that he won't be coming back from this.

 

"Well, you're not asking." He reassures her, "I'm volunteering. Look, without that chair, Earth is basically defenseless, right?"

 

Sam hesitates to answer. He'll take that as a yes.

 

"Right. Commencing radio silence. Sheppard out."

 

John waits in his drifting fighter as the Hive approaches Earth orbit. This is going to be tricky. He has one-shot to power on the engines and make it to the Dart bay. Too soon and they will send Darts out to intercept him, too late and... Well, it will be too late for everyone.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Atlantis has dropped out of hyperspace too early, stuck on the outskirts of the Milky Way. Frustrated, Rodney dials the gate and opens a wormhole to Earth so Woolsey can apprise the SGC of their situation.

 

As they open a channel, there is no response; Rodney examines the readings from the other side, "Okay, this is weird. I'm picking up an energy signature feeding back through the wormhole. It's Wraith."

 

"The Wraith are at Stargate Command?" Woolsey looks pale.

 

"No," Rodney puzzles, "These readings are more like something you'd, you'd pick up in the middle of a Hive."

 

"But we dialed Earth." Woolsey argues.

 

Suddenly Rodney realizes what this means; the Hive ship must already have arrived on Earth, "The Wraith always try to block the gate of a planet they're attacking, usually by dialing in. They couldn't do that in this case, so they came up with another solution."

 

He and Zelenka explain to Woolsey that when two gates are in close proximity, one always supersedes the other.

 

"You're telling me that wormhole…" Woolsey gestures in disbelief.

 

"Leads directly onto the Hive." Rodney confirms.

 

Woolsey opts to send in a small strike team to sabotage key systems on the Hive, reasoning that a stealth attack might be most successful.

 

While Rodney and the others get ready, Zelenka brings an idea to him about how they might reach Earth after all. Actually, it's one of Rodney's old ideas, something he's been working on for a while. It requires enormous power requirements, but with all 3 ZPMs they might be able to apply his calculations for a 'wormhole drive'.

 

If it works, travel could be nearly instantaneous, allowing them to reach Earth in time. It's risky, he knows. The equations are very complex, one mistake and the city would be torn apart. But with Earth at stake, they have to try.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

"All right," John talks to himself quietly, "I'd say it's time to get moving.

He fires up the engines on the F-302 and arches the small fighter up to meet the oncoming Hive ship.

 

.  
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* * *

.  
.

 

After taking out the Wraith guards with flash grenades, Ronon leads the team forward through the maze of the Hive. But they soon get pinned down in a firefight. Everyone focuses their firepower trying to clear the hall, but they can't seem to get a good shot.

 

"Is there another way around?" Ronon yells to Rodney.

 

"I think so." He shouts back.

 

Teyla covers their retreat as they backtrack.

 

In the next chamber a Wraith surprises Ronon from behind a column and attacks him... he can see another one has disarmed Rodney already.

 

Where the hell is Lorne? He must have run into more Wraith back there.

 

As Ronon fights off his attacker he hears McKay scream. He's got to take this Wraith down fast or Rodney is dead. Swinging his sword, he knocks the creature back. And as it doubles over, Ronon lunges for the one about to feed on Rodney.

 

He pulls his blade up to the throat of the Wraith. It struggles against him, but Ronon knows he has him now. He slices through the soft neck and throws the creature to the ground.

 

Just as he releases the dead Wraith, Ronon feels the sharp pang of a blade bury itself deep into his chest. Yelling in pain, he falls to the ground. He has a feeling he isn't going to be making it back up this time.

 

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* * *

.  
.

 

The approaching Hive is right on top of John now.

 

He fires a missile into the side of one of the Dart bays and pilots his craft just behind its trajectory. A hole opens just big enough for him to make it in. He flies around the twisty passages that lead to the main chamber.

 

.  
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* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney stares at Ronon, frozen in horror.

 

He's dimly aware of the sound of gunfire. It's Teyla, she's taking out the Wraith that stabbed Ronon.

 

"Ronon!" Rodney runs over to him, there is blood on Ronon's lips and he's struggling to breathe. 'Oh shit-oh shit-Ronon don't die.'

 

"They hit his lung." He yells to Teyla, "He's bleeding out!"

 

"Ronon!" Teyla's eyes go wide with sorrow.

 

"Just go!" The blood sputters out of Ronon's mouth as he speaks.

 

"No!" Teyla clutches at his chest, "We are not leaving without you!"

 

As Ronon spasms and gasps, Rodney holds onto him, trying to keep him here with them. His heart is breaking watching his friend suffer. But he knows Ronon isn't coming back from this.

 

Then Ronon's body goes still, he stops breathing and his eyes go vacant, staring at nothing.

 

He is gone.

 

Oh, God. Ronon died saving his life. Why did he have to do that?

 

He can't accept this. Ronon's saved his life too many times, Rodney owes him, he has to save him back.

 

"Ronon! Ronon!" Teyla is screaming.

 

Rodney lifts his hands up and looks at them, they are covered in blood. His fault. His fault Ronon is dead. And now it's too late to save him...

 

Teyla and Lorne are firing again as more Wraith attempt to close in on them.

 

"Come on," Lorne runs over to them, "we gotta get out of here now."

 

Rodney can't stop staring at Ronon, thinking there is a way this could have gone differently, if Rodney had only been able to take out that Wraith himself. Then Ronon wouldn't have turned and-

 

"Let's go!-Let's go! Come on!-Come on!-Come on! Let's go!" Lorne's voice finally cuts through Rodney's haze and he lets Lorne pull him away from his lost friend.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

"Stargate Command, this is Sheppard. Come in."

 

"Sheppard, where are you?" He hears Sam's voice.

 

"I made it inside. Look, I don't have much time before this place is swarming with Wraith. So, I'm arming the nuke. Just do me a favor, when Atlantis shows up," John struggles with the words, "tell them I said goodbye." 'It's not so bad if he doesn't have to do it himself.'

 

In his mind he sees Rodney's face. At least he can die knowing Rodney will be safe and happy with Jennifer-

 

"-Sheppard, this is McKay" Look, stop what you're doing now!"

 

"McKay?" 'How can he be hearing Rodney's voice?'

 

"Yes it's me. I've got Lorne and I've got Teyla. We're on board the Hive."

 

"What?! …How?"

 

"Look, it's a long story. Just, the important thing is, if you're about to do what I think you're gonna do, don't."

 

"This Hive is about to attack Earth, Rodney. I don't have much of a choice."

 

"Look, just wait, We'll come to you" Rodney tells him. "I'm sure I can rig up some kind of a remote detonator."

 

"What good is that gonna do for us? We can't get off this ship, Rodney."

 

"That's where you're wrong." There is a hint of smugness to Rodney's tone.

 

Unsure if this is real or a some Wraith illusion to trick him, John takes the detonator and leaves the F-302 behind. He ventures out and ducks behind a column when he hears movement. Things go quiet and John makes a move, slinking out from behind the pillar with his gun ready.

 

He blinks in shock seeing Rodney, Teyla, and Lorne with their guns at attention. "You guys are the last people I expected to see on this ship."

 

"Same here." Rodney looks up at him with sorrow; then averts is gaze and runs over to the F-302, "Give me a minute."

 

'What had that been in Rodney's eyes?'

 

"Where's Ronon?" John asks Teyla.

 

Teyla's eyes go wide and she glances at Lorne; but he merely turns his back.

 

With growing alarm, John asks again, "Teyla, where's Ronon?"

 

She shakes her head sadly, "I'm sorry, John."

 

His chest goes hollow and he can't hide his emotion. He stares at her feeling small and hurt, the way he felt as a boy when he lost his mother. Ronon is his anchor, his best friend. No, he can't be gone.

 

His heart is beating too fast and his head is muddled with grief, John can't make sense of it. This can't be happening.

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 5, before/during episode 20 "Enemy at the Gate"  
> .


	17. Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _With Earth safe, John knows it's time to hand in his resignation, maybe even succeed in starting his life over in some way._  
> .

.  
.

Gasping in a sudden surge, air fills Ronon's lungs.

 

The damage from the blade that impaled him... he can still feel it... but he's breathing again.

 

The face of a Wraith kneels over him, a feeding hand on his chest, "I restored your life human, and bound your wound."

 

"Mmm" Ronon grunts, eyeing the room for possible escape, but even if he wasn't surrounded, he doesn't have the strength to fight, "That was real nice of you."

 

"Now you will answer my questions." The Wraith demands, "How many humans are on my ship?"

 

Ready to die again, Ronon remains silent.

 

But instead of feeding on him and sucking the life away, the creature hefts the weight of his heel into Ronon's chest wound. He can't help but scream out in agony

 

Defiantly he stares up at the creature with pure hatred, willing it to finish him off.

 

"Where are they!?" The thing snarls.

 

_'Good, it doesn't know. At least the others got away.'_

 

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* * *

.  
.

 

John hears a scream. He knows that voice…  _'Ronon's alive!... nearby... it has to be him.'_

 

He and the others race toward the direction of the sounds.

 

Ambushing the chamber from behind, they shoot down the Wraith that are torturing Ronon.

 

His heart surges with relief and concern at the amount of blood on the floor, "How you doing, Chewie?" Reaching down, John grabs his friends hand and pulls Ronon up to see if he can walk.

 

"You were dead!" Rodney exclaims.

 

Ronon groans as he and Teyla help him get upright and on his feet.

 

"We're all going to be dead unless we get out of here." John glances around the chamber urgently.

 

Rodney moves to help Ronon, looking at him intensely as they make their exit, "Ronon, I..." he stumbles a bit as they retreat from the room, "What you did back there, I'd be the one who was -I mean I'm-"

 

"Forget it" Ronon grimaces in pain, "Just keep up so I don't have to save you again."

 

"Right." Rodney sounds emotional.

 

Okay everyone's alive... but they might not be for much longer; John directs them, "Look, we need to-"

 

Cutting him off, Sam calls over the radio, "Sheppard, what's your status?"

 

With his gun trained ahead, John keeps them going at a fast pace, "We got Ronon. We're headed to the gate."

 

"How much time?" She asks.

 

Rodney answers with his words running together, "5 minutes to get there-5 minutes to recalibrate the DHD for local coordinates." 

 

"10 minutes." John simplifies.

 

"I'm sorry." Sam's voice sounds heavy, "The Hive is powering weapons. We're out of time."

 

John stops in his tracks. So he can't save them. He wishes to hell the rest of them hadn't come out here. This was _his_ mission, his fate to face alone. 

 

"Understood." he whispers hoarsely.

 

Rodney has that expression on his face, like he's trying to find a workaround; John lowers his head unable to look at him, "Give me the detonator." he mumbles.

 

"We're almost there…" Rodney points down the hall in bewilderment, "I mean -look-did I say 5 minutes to recalibrate the DHD? I – I meant 2 minutes"

 

 _"_ Rodney _."_  John can barely hear himself say it. But Rodney always knows what he means, he can tell what he's feeling by the intonation. _'I'm sorry, I'd change this for all of us if I could.'_

 

Anxiously flitting his eyes about the room, John can tell Rodney is still thinking he just needs a moment to find a different solution. But John knows there isn't one; there just isn't any more time.

 

Without meeting his gaze, John reaches out his hand for the detonator.

 

Giving a sigh of despair, Rodney hunches his shoulders and activates the device before handing it to John. 

 

John turns his face away, he still can't look at him. At any of them. He wishes to God he was here alone; he was good and ready to die before they showed up.

 

It's what has to be done to save Earth, but knowing he has to sacrifice their lives too, everyone he cares most for... Dammit. He has no choice.

 

Okay then, this is it.

 

John reaches his thumb over the button. It'll be over fast, they won't feel a thing.

 

"John, wait." Sam's voice cuts in, "We're detecting another ship in orbit."

 

Ronon looks up at John with a questioning frown from where he is slumped against Lorne on the floor 

 

"I don't know" John softly answers the unspoken question.

 

"Listen," Rodney whispers privately to him, "if we're about to..." His voice wavers quietly, "if this is it... I mean-" 

 

 _'Yeah.'_ John doesn't know what last words Rodney has for him, but he wishes there was enough time to say more himself. To say everything he's ever wanted to.

 

The Hive shakes and they all lift their heads at the explosions coming from several levels above.

 

"It's Atlantis!" Sam announces with excitement, "They're engaging the Hive."

 

"That may give us enough time to get to the gate." John isn't sure but he'll die trying to get them the hell off this ship.

 

He hands the detonator back to Rodney as they run toward the gate.

 

Tensing as the door opens, John doesn't see any Wraith and moves to sweep the chamber, "Get to work, Rodney."

 

"I'm on it."

 

If anyone can do this in time, Rodney can. And John really, really needs Rodney and the others to make it out of here safely.

 

Suddenly Lorne yells down one of the many passages converging into the room, "We got company!" 

 

Providing cover fire, John and the rest of the team do their best to keep the Wraith out and protect Rodney while he configures the DHD.

 

The Hive is still being rocked by small explosions but it sounds like its shields are holding.

 

Angrily firing into the onslaught of Wraith soldiers, John knows there are too many of them to fight off much longer. And it won't be long before he's out of ammo.

 

"How's it coming, Rodney?" He screams back towards the gate.

 

"I got it! Dialing the Alpha Site now."

 

As the event horizon washes open, John shouts to the others, "All right, let's move!" he stays behind and keeps firing to give them a clear exit.

 

The others all disappear through the gate and it's just the two of them now. Rodney hands him the detonator.

 

Rushing to the dialing device, John sets the remote activating sequence, then spins around shooting again at their attackers.

 

"Rodney go!"

 

"But you-"

 

"I'm right behind you." John keeps firing until Rodney has made it safely through.

 

Okay, he set the thing for 15 seconds. So he's got about 5 to make a run for it.

 

He sprays another round of ammo for good measure, then steps into the wormhole.

 

Coming through the other side to the Alpha site, John smiles at Rodney, "Let's see if we can connect to the SGC now."

 

"Right." Rodney grins back, "Think you could have cut it any closer with your exit back there?"

 

John gives him one of his looks especially reserved for Rodney, the feigned ambivalence that doesn't really disguise the affection he's feeling right now, "I had at least 2 seconds left." he lifts his shoulders in a dismissive shrug.

 

"Okay, good" Rodney makes a face, "Obviously you had plenty of time."

 

"As long as we managed to take the Hive out," John nods to the dialing device, "Let's see if we can reestablish a connection to Earth." _'If the SGC is still there.'_

 

"We can't."

 

"Rodney." Translation: _'What else is wrong here?'_

 

"No-no-no, It probably worked, but if Atlantis is out there, it's gate will override the one at the SGC."

 

"Then dial Atlantis." John drawls sarcastically.

 

"Yeah, yeah, I don't know if that will work either, if they're still out there. I mean, it's not like they really had a chance against that Super-Hive, for all we know it'll take us right back to the Wraith-"

 

"Rodney." Translation: _'Stop being so damned negative and get us back home.'_

 

"I guess one way or another we'll find out." Rodney grumbles.

 

"Stay positive." John uses his mildly condescending coach voice and pats him on the back.

 

Rodney simply glares in response.

 

Kneeling down next to Lorne and Teyla, John grasps Ronon's shoulder, "You doing' okay?"

 

Ronon wheezes a bit but nods up at him stoically, "Fine."

 

Teyla shakes her head, "He will need medical attention soon." 

 

The Stargate opens and John sends his IDC code through. Chewing his lip, he frowns at Ronon. He's not going to make if they can't get him help soon-

 

A signal comes back. It's Atlantis and they get a go ahead to come through. But there's a lot of static and interference over the com. Something about damage to the ship causing  uncontrolled entry into Earth's atmosphere.

 

Judging by Ronon's condition, they don't have a choice, they've got to stop the bleeding. John makes the call and tells them to have a medical team ready.

 

As they step through, John sees Jennifer arriving with her staff and a gurney. He helps lift Ronon up and steps back as they begin triage.

 

Atlantis rumbles and groans.

 

"What's happening?" Teyla asks.  

 

"Oh that?" Rodney grimaces up at the control center, "Probably just the ship coming apart as we careen down to the planet's surface."

 

"Leas-this means we killed the Wraith." Ronon slurs with his eyes half closed.

 

"You did good." Jennifer grasps his hand, "We're going to get you fixed up now."

 

"'fore we crash?" Ronon lifts a skeptical brow at her.

 

"The fight took a bit of a toll, so we fell into a low orbit, but Carson's flying and," Jennifer smiles with forced optimism, "well, Carson's going to land, um, we hope... somewhere over an ocean."

 

"Great." Rodney groans, "We're definitely gonna die."

 

John pats Rodney on the back, "Stay positive."

 

.

.

Only the sheer luck of their trajectory ends up giving them a water landing. A hair further and they would have ended up smashing into San Francisco instead of the bay. 

 

Knitting his brows, John thinks back to something Sam said, when she radioed to congratulate him.

 

What was it?  _"Atlantis is home now."_

 

With the chair at Area 51 gone, he supposes there isn't  much of a chance that the military will let go of the weapons chair on Atlantis... It's just become Earth's new primary defense.

 

Not that John will be around to usher in whatever new era the SGC has planned. This feels like the natural ending he's been waiting for, the right time to let go. Ronon's almost recovered from surgery and everyone seems as settled in as they're going to be. 

 

He won't have to worry about them too much, the Milky Way is pretty safe these days. SG-1 teams back home have taken out most of the major alien threats. He'd probably get bored not facing certain death at every turn.. dealing with all the politics...

 

Yeah, that sounds like a plausible excuse. Not that he's planning on offering any. He can't. He just can't handle saying goodbye to Rodney. 

 

Sighing and stepping into the infirmary, John isn't able to muster up his usual nonchalance.

 

"Hey, buddy." His voice is soft as he approaches Ronon's bed.

 

"Hey."

 

"I was, uh…" John puts his hands on the foot of the bed and leans over.

 

Sighing again, he looks up at Ronon with affection, "I thought I lost you there…"

 

Almost losing Ronon like that... Almost losing them all... He's had enough friends die and feel to blame. Mentally John tries to tell himself that they'll all be better off without him; but he knows it's himself he's trying to protect this time. This thing with Rodney, he just can't do it anymore.

 

"Yeah well, I'm alive, now." Ronon jokes.

 

But John feels to heavy to kid around the way they normally do.

 

Ronon seems to understand and looks at John pensively, "You're leaving."

 

Pressing his lips together, John stays silent. He hopes Ronon knows how much he cares, how it nearly destroyed him in those moments when he thought he was gone. 

 

When he finds his voice it is hoarse and constricted, "I'm really going to miss you, you know?"

 

"I'm still going to see you though, right?" Ronon's eyes squint with a mixture of warmth and concern.

 

"Yeah, sure." John nods, "When, uh, once I figure out where I'm going. I'll visit lots. Promise."

 

Ronon gives a nod of sad resignation.

 

"Well…" John changes the subject, "Well, how you feeling?"

 

"I'm ready to get out of here." Ronon groans.

 

"Take your time." John speaks gently, "The city's pretty banged up. Even with the ZPM's we're not going anywhere for a while."

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Ronon raises his brows. _'WE'RE not going anywhere for a while?'_  

 

He wonders if John is trying to reassure him by talking like he'll actually be around to see the repairs through. Ronon can tell by the look on John's face, he plans to leave soon. He knows that look, having spent so many years on the run himself.

 

Leveling his eyes at John, Ronon doesn't like the feeling that he won't have him watching his back anymore. John's always been the one he can trust. Not Woolsey or any of those other guys in charge.

 

"And when they fix it?" he asks, "You really think they're going to let us take it back to Pegasus?" Ronon's gut tells him that it might be a while before he sees his own galaxy again.

 

John pauses looking guilty, "I'll make sure you get home." 

 

Ronon knows that's a promise John can't really keep once he's resigned. But he doesn't plan on letting John disappear from his life. Should be easy enough to find the guy, since without military access he'll be stuck on this world without a Stargate to use. And if John, Teyla, and the others are all stuck on this planet with him... well, Ronon supposes they're the closest thing he has to family by now.

 

"This _is_ my home." Ronon assures him.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John feels an ache in his chest. Atlantis was the closest thing to a home he's ever known. Leaving it behind will be hard. Especially Ronon, who's been more of a brother to him than-

 

"Am I interrupting?" A pretty girl walks in; It's Amelia, the one Ronon has been telling him about.

 

"Um…" John begins, he looks to Ronon and sees his eyes are bright with excitement.

 

He'd wanted to say more but it will have to wait, "No, uh, I was just leaving."

 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Ronon lets Amelia lead him on his first walk since the surgery. She's insistent that she's taking him to see something amazing.

 

They make their way out onto a balcony where a bunch of the others are staring at a large red bridge against muted browns of a coastline.

 

Huh. He doesn't see any settlements and wonders why they are all so excited. 

 

"Ronon, welcome to Earth." Woolsey greets him.

 

"No one can see us, right?" Jennifer asks Woolsey nervously.

 

"We managed to activate the cloak before we came in too close." Woolsey answers, "This entire area is under naval quarantine."

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Looking for Woolsey, John finds him out on the balcony with most of the senior staff, "Oh! So this is where everyone went, huh?"

 

He'd hoped to have a private conversation, but for now he'll try to join in and act like it's any other day. Amelia is standing next to Ronon and John takes the empty spot on his other side against the railing. 

 

Teyla smiles at him on his right and he feels like the two of them are a welcome barrier from Rodney. Rodney is standing just on the other side of Teyla, nestled up against Jennifer.

 

"You okay?" Jennifer bobs into Rodney.

 

"I'm alive." Rodney answers pragmatically.

 

Jennifer laughs and Rodney must realize how unromantic he's being because he changes his tone, "And I've got you." He looks at her softly.

 

John watches from the corner of his eye as Rodney puts his arm around Jennifer and pulls her close, "What else would I need?"

 

His stomach lurches as he sees Jennifer rest her head on Rodney's shoulder. He averts his eyes and looks straight ahead, "Nice view."

 

Woolsey agrees. Carson looks especially happy. Amelia leans lazily over the balcony next to Ronon. They all seem like they are going to be just fine without him.

 

Just then Ronon's arm brushes against his, like he is letting John know he's here for him. But letting go of Rodney is more than he can bear. John's jaw clenches. He stands frozen in place as long as he can, then excuses himself.

 

As he walks back toward the control room, he looks back once over his shoulder. Rodney is happy now with Jennifer, he has what he always wanted. John's stomach clenches in grief.

 

He'd say goodbye if he knew how; John's lip trembles as he whispers to himself, "So long, Rodney."

 

Turning away, he asks one of the technicians to alert him when Woolsey returns to his office, then heads to his room.

 

Once back in his quarters, he pulls out his letter of resignation and reads it again. He's reread it a hundred times. It's perfectly worded, no mistakes. John sets it back on the desk and begins packing what few belongings he has.

 

There isn't a lot to do. He rolls up his Johnny Cash poster with care. This one he'll probably carry, to keep from wrinkling.

 

"Colonel Sheppard. Mr. Woolsey is back in his office." A voice tells him over the com. John takes the letter and heads to the transporter.

 

He finds Woolsey smiling, "Hello, Colonel. What can I do for you?"

 

"Do you mind if we speak privately?" John turns his head to the door.

 

"Of course" Woolsey closes the panels and looks at him expectantly.

 

John frowns and pushes his lips together. He doesn't know where to start.

 

Woolsey is looking at the paper in John's hand, so he begins, "I've had this for a while now, and… It just seems like the right time."

 

He hands the letter to Woolsey and stares at the ground rather than watch his reaction.

 

"This is…" Woolsey sounds shocked, "Isn't this something you should be giving to your military commander?"

 

"Yeah, I've got one for him too."

 

"This is a very... big decision." Woolsey blinks and sounds stern, "You've got over 20 years in the military. I can't believe that you would just... just..."

 

John says nothing.

 

"You've been an outstanding commander here." Woolsey continues, "Frankly, I don't know what we would have done without you. And I'm very hesitant to let you go."

 

Again, John says nothing.

 

"You've really got your mind made up?" 

 

John nods.

 

"Does anyone else know about this yet?" Woolsey questions.

 

"Only Ronon." John shakes his head.

 

"I'd like to ask a favor." Woolsey looks like he's making a calculation.

 

John raises his eyebrows.

 

"Before you make this official…" Woolsey continues, "Can you just give it some time? You have some extended leave that you haven't taken. At the very least, you will get a paid vacation."

 

"I'm not going to change my mind."

 

"Well then, you have nothing to lose but a little paid leave." Woolsey shrugs.

 

"I just want to be done." John sighs, "I don't want any loose ends."

 

"Look, I'll… I'll keep this in my desk for a few weeks, and then, when you're leave is up, I'll make it official, okay? I'll tell the Air Force that I asked you to take the leave… that I asked you to let me submit the resignation."

 

"I'll still have to do that myself." John squints.

 

"Will you at least give me a few weeks?" Woolsey looks tired, "Will you do that much for me?"

 

He supposes he can wait a few weeks before offering his official resignation in person to the SGC. As long as he doesn't have to come back to Atlantis.

 

"Okay." John closes his eyes, "Can I go now?"

 

"Can I stop you?" Woolsey sounds bitter.

 

John shakes his head and walks away.

 

He is done packing before dinner. All he has left to do is give Ronon the cards he has written for Rodney and Teyla.

 

He can't quite bring himself to say 'goodbye' as he talks to Ronon. But on his way out of Ronon's room he pauses and turns back, telling him, "You haven't seen the last of me."

 

Ronon just frowns at him.

 

John's shoulders droop, "I mean... to me you're like... a brother, I mean, more than my actual brother."

 

"I've met your brother," Ronon smirks, "that's not saying much."

 

"But, I am saying…" John fumbles, "trying to say… I mean-"

 

A fierce bear hug from Ronon cuts him off so he can barely breathe.

 

"I know." Ronon answers in a gravelly voice.

 

John squeezes him back in his own fierce way, trying not to think about how much he'll miss him.

 

Clasping John by the shoulders, Ronon stands back and wishes him luck.

 

"Thanks buddy." John gives Ronon a final pat on the shoulder.

 

He leaves to grab a duffel bag, a box, and a poster from his room.

 

And then he is gone.

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 5 during/ after episode 20 "Enemy at the Gate"  
> .


	18. He promised he would never leave me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _When Rodney realizes that John has left, he gives up everything to go after him._  
> .

.  
.

Over dinner, Rodney wonders, "Where do you think John is, questioning Todd?"

 

Ronon shrugs and says nothing. This is too public a place to give Rodney his letter and John wanted to wait until it went through official channels before any others found out.

 

The following day, he makes plans to spend some time alone with Teyla and give her the card. He knows she'll be upset, but it won't be as hard as telling Rodney.

 

She opens it and reads it in front of him. 

 

"I cannot believe he would leave us without saying goodbye," Teyla looks up at him with hurt. "I am... deeply saddened."

 

Ronon comforts her and explains what little he can before going to find McKay.

 

Stopping by the lab, he asks Rodney if they can talk alone.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney screws his face up in confusion. This is probably the first time Ronon's ever sought him out to 'talk' about something.

 

Usually John is the only one who comes by the lab to drag him off somewhere. For that matter, Rodney wonders why he hasn't seen John at all today.

 

Following Ronon out to a balcony, Rodney notices he has a strange look on his face, like he's afraid to tell Rodney something.

 

"What!?" Rodney's eyes dart from side to side.

 

"This is still private…" Ronon looks like his shoulders are hanging a bit, "for now. But you should know, uh, John's gone."

 

"What do you mean, John's gone", Rodney snaps impatiently.

 

"Ah," Ronon shuffles. "he left." 

 

"Okay." Rodney rolls his eyes, "And when's he coming back?"

 

Ronon slowly drags his head into a shake.

 

"Well, wait, I don't get…" Rodney is flustered, "What are we talking about?"

 

Reaching into his heavy jacket, Ronon pulls something out.

 

He offers Rodney a card and tells him, "He wanted me to give this to you."

 

Rodney's eyes grow wide and he rips the envelope from Ronon's hand, tearing it apart. He reads the short letter in growing horror. The brevity of the message makes it even worse.

 

_Hey Buddy,_

_Sorry I asked Ronon to give you this, but you know me, I can't deal with goodbyes._  
 _Promise when I find my bearings, I'll come up for air and check in with you -no matter what galaxy you happen to be in._  
_I wish I could explain but I'm going through something personal that I just need to work out on my own. But it makes it a little easier at least knowing you're happy and that great things are going to happen for you._

 _Miss you already,_  
_-John._

 

Stricken, he stares at the words. "What-What… What is this supposed to mean?"

 

But Ronon is just gently shaking his head and offering no answers.

 

Feeling frantic now, Rodney pushes his hands uselessly against Ronon's large frame, "What the hell is this supposed to mean? You know, you fucking know, I know he told you."

 

Looking guilty, Ronon pulls his head back into himself.

 

"He _promised_ …" Rodney stops attacking Ronon and looks up at him in misery, "He promised he would never leave me."

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Ronon frowns and studies Rodney's face. He wonders if Rodney even realizes that's not exactly the kind of promise you make to friend.

 

"Did something happen?" Rodney pleads.

 

"I think he was planning to resign for a while, you know, he was just waiting for the right time." Ronon's tone comes out more gentle than he feels like being right now.

 

"For a while?" Rodney's voice is choked, "What's a while?"

 

"Dunno," Ronon shrugs, "at least a few months."

 

"You've known for months!" Rodney sounds shattered, "You've known all this time? Why didn't he tell _me_?"

 

Arching an eyebrow, Ronon looks reflectively at Rodney; his wide eyes, seem on the verge of tears.

 

Not for the first time, Ronon wonders, just what exactly Rodney feels for John. It seems to be more than, well, more than friendship… maybe.

 

"I think," He speaks slowly, "you know as much as I do."

 

"Does he…" Rodney crumples the paper in distress, "I don't know what this means."

 

For a guy who claims to be a genius, Ronon can't believe how stupid Rodney can be, "So now you need everything spelled out for you?" Ronon's voice betrays his frustration.

 

"Yes!" Rodney flails his arms.

 

"All I'm saying is…" Ronon shakes his head, "if you guys are so close, than you'd probably know better than anyone." _'Shit. He's already said way more than John would want him to.'_

 

"What do you know about…" Rodney's eyes get even wider, "I mean... did he tell you… "

 

"What's there to tell?" He gazes at Rodney with heavy lids and shrugs.

 

"But I… How can I…" Rodney's lip is quivering, he's shaking like a leaf, "No... I can't… He can't go."

 

Ronon turns to leave but then Rodney slumps into a pathetic shape on the ground. Dammit, John wouldn't want him to leave McKay like this.

 

"Hey." He sighs and squats next to Rodney, "Don't go falling apart now." He gives him a few obligatory pats on the back, "It's all good. You're happy, remember?" _'_

 

Even if he and John are miserable about how things ended up with Jennifer, at least Rodney's fucking happy.

 

.

.

* * *

.  
.

 

Something about the word 'happy' makes Rodney pause. John said the same thing in his letter.

 

A few stray tears fall from his eyes. Normally Rodney would be embarrassed for Ronon to see him like this, but he can't help it, his world really is falling apart.

 

" _Happy_." He looks at Ronon suspiciously, repeating the word.

 

"Yep." Ronon sighs, "Things are going good for you… so, just, stay happy."

 

"What does any of this have to do with me being happy?" Rodney narrows his eyes at Ronon.

 

"Never said it did." Ronon sticks his lower lip out ambivalently.

 

 _'What if this is all his fault somehow?'_ Rodney will probably never know. Unless… unless, he can find John. Force him to talk somehow.

 

"Okay." Rodney pushes himself up suddenly. 

 

"Okay?" Ronon looks puzzled.

 

Rodney has a plan now and he knows what he needs to do, "Yeah, thanks." he mutters and runs back to his quarters to get his things in order. 

 

After he has finished drafting a letter of resignation, Rodney starts to try to make some order out of the jumble of his room. Then he remembers Jennifer.

 

He looks at the time. Her shift is almost over. God, he wishes he could just write a short letter like the one John gave him but this is something that has to be done face to face.

 

In utter dread he walks to the infirmary. Jennifer spies him as he approaches and gives a dazzling smile.

 

Oh God, this is going to be hard. She notices something is wrong and walks over to him in concern asking if he's okay.

 

"Yes-I mean no. Can we... can we talk away from here?" Rodney asks.

 

"Of course," She furrows her brows in worry and strokes his arm, "what's wrong?"

 

Rodney leads her to a bench outside and takes her hands.

 

She gives him a tender smile, "Rodney, have you been crying?"

 

Wincing sadly, he sighs, "Something happened today… that… it, uh, made me…"

 

"Oh no! What happened?" Jennifer whispers.

 

"You… are so, so, wonderful." Rodney lowers his head at the thought of hurting her. "I thought I could forget... I thought I could make myself forget about things…"

 

Anxious and fearful, he forces himself to say it, "I realized today that… I can't let it go. Because, uh, there's someone that I've loved for some time now. And-and, well, my heart isn't as free as I'd like it to be."

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Jennifer is stunned. Was this what Rodney was talking about in the infirmary when he was sick and delirious?

 

She'd thought he was speaking to her. But maybe Rodney hadn't been aware enough to know who he was talking to.

 

He'd used that exact phrase. _'for some time now'_.

 

"How long is... 'some time now'?" she asks coldly.

 

"Too long... uh, for like," Rodney looks down in shame, "the past 5 years." 

 

She wonders, "Is this why we never…"

 

"Uh..." Rodney's shoulders slump forward, "I don't know… probably."

 

"Oh my God. I feel so stupid." Jennifer tries not to burst into tears, "I thought you loved _me_." 

 

"I almost, kind of did," Rodney pleads, "you're so amazing and great and better than I deserve... I, I just lost my heart to someone else a long time ago."

 

"And _today_ you realized that?" She keeps her tone empty to hide her emotions.

 

"I-I…" Rodney frowns in confusion, "Well, I knew before, I just tried to forget. But, yeah, today I couldn't anymore."

 

"So then something happened between you and this person today?" Jennifer feels sick.

 

"No," Rodney shakes his head dully, "No, nothing like that's happened between us for years."

 

Now she is confused, "So what then, you've just been pining for her all this time?"

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney sees the pain he is causing Jennifer and knows they can never come back from this.

 

He's just thrown away his best shot at happiness to go chase after a guy that doesn't even want him.

 

Other than feeling absolutely horrible for putting Jennifer through this, he doesn't care that he's just resigned himself to a life without love. In a way, he feels more right than he has in a long time. 

 

"I've tried not to, but..." Rodney falters, "I know I'm an idiot because now I've lost the best thing I'll ever have… I mean, you, with you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. And it's so stupid because whatever I thought I had in the past is long gone, but I just have to be honest with myself, if I don't even try... God, I'm so, so sorry."

 

"I think you should go now." Jennifer tersely stands up and looks away, "I don't want to hear any more about why you don't love me."

 

Nodding sadly, he retreats back to his room to pack. But when he gets to his quarters, Rodney realizes he has way too much stuff to organize.

 

He needs to go now and travel light if he's going to catch up with John. Wherever he ends up, he'll have to have his stuff sent to him later.  

 

Since hacking into the system, Rodney's been tracking John's movements using his subcutaneous transmitter. Right now John's in Southern California, maybe heading towards the SGC in Colorado... maybe headed East to see his brother...

 

He's moving too slow to be on a plane, John seems to be driving and stopping along the way.

 

If Rodney takes a flight, he might catch up with him.

 

_'And then what? Grab him, shake him, try to make him love me the way I love him?'_

 

Sounds like the best plan he's had in a while.

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place immediately after the end of the series.  
> .


	19. The truth is, I'm in love with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney tracks John down... and at long last finally gets the love he's always so desperately needed from him._  
> .

.  
.

When Rodney hands in his letter of resignation, Woolsey isn't pleased to have two of his senior people resign days apart. He tells Rodney he'll make him the same offer he gave John -an extended leave to give him time to recover from the stresses of the last year and reconsider.

 

Bobbing his head appreciatively, Rodney thanks him for the flexibility and promises to let Woolsey know as soon as he has things figured out.

 

Taking the first flight from SFO to Vegas, he heads West in a rental car to try to cut John off. He was planning to stay on 15 and catch John in Barstow, but he's moving faster that Rodney expected, veering north onto 127 and into the Death Valley area. Rodney redirects his course towards Pahrump.

 

If he's fast enough, there is still a chance to cut John off.

 

Reaching the border between the two states. He veers South onto 127, where John seems to be stopped in the middle of nowhere.

 

There are a few abandoned houses along the highway, a general store and a motel. It isn't really big enough to be a town but Rodney spots a red vintage car parked at the motel that he somehow knows must be John's.

 

His heart skips a beat as he pulls in.

 

He rents a room and then walks breathlessly to the door that the red car is parked in front of. Rodney's pulse quickens. He has no idea what he's going to say but his knock is insistent.

 

There is a rustling inside. The door opens.

 

_'John.'_

 

Rodney is awash with relief but John just stands there stiffly looking tense and stunned.

 

"…Rodney." John blinks like he can't believe that he is here.

 

"I told you I could find anybody when I wanted to…" Rodney tries to sound cheerful.

 

"Guess so." John frowns, staring at Rodney as if he's seeing a ghost, "I'm sorry," he says wearily, you know, that I had to leave like that…"

 

"You don't like goodbyes?" Rodney narrows his eyes.

 

"Yeah..." John shrugs guiltily.

 

"Well, I didn't come to _say_ goodbye." Rodney steps into the door frame, letting John know he expects him to step aside.

 

As John lets him pass into the room, Rodney continues, "I came to tell you that, ah, you're stuck with me…so just accept it".

 

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* * *

.  
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John quietly shuts the door and turns around, realizing he's having his own words thrown back at him. Rodney looks pleased with himself grinning nervously and sitting on the side of the bed.

 

He wasn't prepared for this emotionally. Just the sight of Rodney makes him shaky. He should have realized he wasn't going to get off this easily. He feels guilty for even trying to.

 

"So... what are you running away from this time?" Rodney lifts his arm beckoning John to sit with him.

 

Closing his eyes, John doesn't even bother to argue, he just shakes his head and rasps, "I had to go, Rodney."

 

"John." Rodney's voice cracks.

 

Opening his eyes, John follows Rodney's gaze to the bed. His body seems to follow of it's own accord, sitting next to Rodney. Being so close to him right now makes John's skin feel like its on fire.

 

"Does this have something to do with me?" Rodney is still staring at him with questions in his eyes, "Did I do something wrong?"

 

"-No!" John answers quickly, "You didn't… Look, everything is as it should be now. That's all."

 

"You once promised you'd never leave me…" Rodney sounds so hurt.

 

A sharp pang seizes in John's chest as he sees the pain in Rodney's eyes. It's fucking killing him to be the cause of it. But he just can't bear watching him with Jennifer anymore, there's no other way forward but to let go.

 

"Rodney, I'm sorry. You..." John lets out a staggered sigh, "You just, once asked me to do something for you. And that's what I'm trying to do."

 

"What?" Rodney's eyes go wide, "What did I ask you to do? I never asked you to leave."

 

"You wouldn't remember." John's emotion surges and he impulsively reaches to touch Rodney's hand, "It was a different timeline, but you trusted me to…"

 

Rodney's face pleads for more answers.

 

"I met you in the future." John begins again, "You'd spent your life working on-"

 

"Right -right," Rodney interrupts "a way to bring you back."

 

"No, not me." John shakes his head, "You don't understand… You left Pegasus with Jennifer, and the two of you built a life together. You were happy. But then you lost her…"

 

John pulls his hand back and stares at the floor, "You vowed to spend the rest of your life working on a way to bring her back. And that's what you did. Even though you spent 25 years alone and unhappy. Nothing could stop you."

 

He looks back up to Rodney, "25 years of your life you spent working on a plan to bring her back and you entrusted me with that mission."

 

"But I," Rodney interjects, "it was to bring _you_ back and save Teyla and-"

 

"Rodney." John stops him with a look.

 

"But, but you were going to kiss me before you left… You said..." Rodney is plaintive, "I'm not crazy, I didn't imagine that."

 

"Look," John tries to keep his voice steady, "I told you there were no guarantees that you two would end up together again. But I, ah, I could see when I got back, that it was just a matter of time before you and she… would be."

 

"But you wanted me before you left on that mission. Tell me the truth, tell me I'm not crazy."

 

"I wanted to respect your wishes so I kept my distance-" John's jaw clenches, "You deserve to be happy."

 

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Rodney reaches for John's hand and grips it with urgency. "You... kept your distance? But you wanted something more?"

 

Without waiting for John to answer Rodney confesses his feelings in a rushed jumble, "Because _I_ wanted more- I only started seeing her to get over feeling... Look, no matter what timeline, she could only be a very, very distant second to you-"

 

Before he loses what's left of his courage, Rodney presses forward, "And I couldn't let you go without at least trying to tell you how I feel, even if you... even if it means-

 

I know-I know, you told me never to go there again with you but now you're gone and, well, I have nothing left to lose at this point. Except you. And I thought maybe if we weren't working for the military anymore, maybe there's a chance you'd reconsider..." Rodney takes a winded breath, "Look, I resigned my position and broke up with Jennifer and, and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing right now-

 

"You did what?" John's expression is shell shocked, "You're weren't supposed to do that… You're supposed to stay with Jennifer and be happy."

 

"Well, that's over." He gives John a frustrated look, "So let go of that… mission, or whatever you thought it was."

 

John looks so vulnerable right now Rodney wants to take him in his arms, but he knows from past experience that it's a bad idea jump to the gun and make the first move. He can't risk John running away again. 

 

Looking at John hopefully, he asks "You were going to tell me something when you got back from that mission… You never did. Please tell me now?"

 

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John feels Rodney's hand in his and squeezes it for courage. He doesn't know why he's so afraid; God, he wants Rodney so much and Rodney just said he wants him too.

 

But John can't understand how Rodney could possibly care for him. Not after all the mistakes he's made. Rodney might be willing to give him a chance but he's never going to love him the same way. John feels so small and undeserving.

 

He tries to think with the blood pounding in his ears, the heat of his burning skin. It's too hard to meet Rodney's eyes, like Rodney can see right through him.

 

"I-I, uh...wanted to tell you, that uh," John ducks his face in embarrassment, but Rodney moves his head to catch John's lowered eyes.

 

He feels lightheaded with Rodney's mouth so close, just inches away. John closes his eyes for a moment to compose himself.

 

John whispers. "I wanted to tell you..." He opens his eyes and looks at Rodney without hiding his pain, "To tell you that I love you, Rodney."

 

"You mean…" Rodney's face expands in a bright expression, then his brows furrow, "Or do you mean in the way that like, a friend loves another friend?"

 

Remembering those unfortunate words he said some years ago, John's face twists into a frown, "No. -Not that. That was never right, even then..."

 

He stares into Rodney's wide blue eyes and surrenders into the intensity of his emotion, letting everything he's feeling bleed through, "I was just afraid to admit it before… but ah, the truth is... I'm in love with you."

 

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Rodney's breath hitches, not even in his wildest hopes had he thought John might feel something like this for him. He is fluttery, short of breath, elated; his mouth gapes in surprise, then he finds his voice, "If you… Wow... Then…"

 

Whispering, Rodney leans in close to John, "So you wouldn't run away… if I tried to…"

 

He moves his mouth so it is almost touching John's.

 

John shakes his head lightly without moving his lips away from Rodney's.

 

"Okay." Rodney breathes softly, pulling his lips to close over John's.

 

It is a chaste kiss, but John gives a small moan.

 

Then Rodney pulls away, just enough to kiss John again, this time a bit more fully.

 

"God, Rodney." John's voice is heavy with desire.

 

Rodney opens his lips to breathe with his mouth against John's. They stay there, lips parted, brushing on each other for a moment.

 

"I want to be good," John whispers, "I've never done this..."

 

 _'What the hell does John mean? They've had sex before.'_   Then Rodney remembers how John reacted last time he tried to kiss him.

 

Oh. John means he hasn't _kissed_ a guy before. It all makes a lot more sense now, why John was spooked by something that seemed so innocent to Rodney.

 

He speaks in a soft, sexy tone, with his lips still brushing onto John's, "It's just me, John. You and me."

 

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John reaches his hand to cup the back of Rodney's neck and takes Rodney's lips in his mouth. He takes them strong but sweet, the way he remembers seeing Shep kiss.

 

Then he licks lightly on Rodney's lower lip, the edge of his tongue teasing Rodney open. Rodney gives into the kiss and lets John take over.

 

As John's tongue slowly snakes into his mouth he feels Rodney melt into his arms as he bends him back onto the bed.

 

God, this is… everything he's ever wanted. Rodney.

 

And John has to have him, Rodney is his. He has to possess him utterly, make him forget anyone else. He kisses Rodney fully on the lips again and then goes deeper, drowning in the passion.

 

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Rodney's tongue eagerly seeks more, taking everything in as John presses him back into the bed. His body flutters with the dizzying intoxication, he can't believe this is actually happening. He's been needing this for so long, missing this...

 

It's never felt this good with anyone, he wants John to take him right now. And John seems to be thinking the same thing as they both angle themselves further onto the bed. 

 

He pulls John's shirt up and runs his hands over his chest.

 

John exhales shakily and and dips his head forward to rest on Rodney's brow, "Sure you really want this?"

 

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this."  Rodney moans as he wraps himself close and begins to unbuckle John's pants.

 

Within moments they have stripped each other bare, perfectly tangled up with nothing between them.

 

Leaning over him, John's eyes are soft as he runs his fingers through Rodney's hair; cupping his face, he kisses Rodney softly this time, "I've loved you for so long, I'm sorry I never-"

 

"We're together now," Rodney looks up at him with butterflies in his stomach, "That's all that matters." He grasps the sides of John's face and pulls his mouth down to his again.

 

There is no way to get enough of him, Rodney gently bites into John's lower lip and he cries in out a quiet moan

 

John's tongue pulses in Rodney's mouth, like a promise of how he plans to take him body and soul.

 

A sharp splintering sound suddenly explodes from behind them. Rodney sees the bright light of the open door illuminating several dark figures.  Something bites into his skin with excruciating pain and it all goes black.

 

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Jennifer has pieced some things together after having a talk with Woolsey.

 

Officially, John and Rodney are on a leave of absence. But Jennifer is wondering, she's not completely sure, but this must have something to do with Rodney's break-up.

 

The two of them left a day apart, and it seems significant that Rodney has gone running off after John just after confessing his unrequited love for someone else. Someone who's obviously been a part of this expedition the whole 5 years…

 

After asking discreet questions of Teyla, Jennifer soon determined that she had no insights to share. If anyone else knows what's going on, it would be Ronon.

 

But Ronon is the kind of person that would take something to the grave. So Jennifer decides to pretend she knows more that she does, hoping she can bluff her way into more information.

 

Right after it all happened, Ronon gave her a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. He shared with her the full story of losing his fiancée in Sateda. Actually, he's much more sensitive and soulful than she ever realized.

 

Woolsey once referred to Ronon as Jennifer's burly protector and she's grateful for his friendship in this tough time. Maybe if she hadn't thought Rodney loved her this whole time, she would have gone for Ronon instead. But Ronon is with Amelia now.

 

Ronon has been showing her some meditation techniques he learned from Teyla, but today Jennifer asks if they can just talk instead.

 

Sitting in his room filled with Teyla's borrowed candles, Jennifer hugs her pillow and gets comfortable on the floor.

 

"Ronon…" She heaves a deep sigh, "Rodney told me."

 

He just looks at her blankly.

 

"Relax," Jennifer stresses, "It's okay, I know. I was confused before when he had the parasite in his brain. I thought Rodney was telling me that he loved me, but it turns out he was talking about John. He's loved John this whole time."

 

"This whole time?" Ronon sounds genuinely surprised.

 

Okay, maybe Ronon knows less than she thought. "Yes Ronon, for like, years, like the whole time he's been here."

 

"Years… " Ronon seems to be thinking.

 

She hugs the pillow to her chest, "It would have been a lot easier if Rodney had just been honest about the whole thing."

 

"I'm sorry, Jennifer," Ronon frowns, "I had no idea."

 

"I'll get through it." She pauses, "I just... need to figure things out. You know, it's like the rug got pulled out from under me and I just have to… see things as they really are."

 

Ronon nods silently.

 

Then Jennifer decides to put things more boldly, "So Rodney is in love with John. He quit his job-

 

"What? I thought he was just taking a leave-"

 

"No, I, I got the low down from Woolsey. He actually submitted a letter of resignation. Woolsey's just sitting on it in case he changes his mind."

 

"Wow."

 

"Yeah. So he quit his job, which is, like, everything to him, and now I think he's scouring the countryside, to what? Profess his feelings to John? Do you think John feels the same?"

 

Ronon shrugs in confusion.

 

"Well," Jennifer continues, "Rodney said they were together before, some years back. He didn't say who, but it's obvious now. I'm so angry, I'm angry but… but I'm also worried for Rodney. I think he is going to end up terribly hurt, you know? Because I can't really see John being capable of any kind of real attachment."

 

"John is very capable." Ronon's eyes flash with sudden emotion, "I would never doubt him in anything. I would sooner doubt Rodney."

 

 _'Aha. So maybe Ronon does know something about this'_ "Well, I know Rodney. Outwardly he might seem  insensitive, but he really is the sweetest, most endearing person if you get to know him.

 

I mean, he just dropped everything to run after John -I can only assume to tell him how he feels. I really think he's going to end up totally crushed, much worse off than me right now."

 

"Why is everybody so impressed with Rodney?" Ronon growls, "I mean, I don't get…"

 

Jennifer waits for Ronon to finish.

 

"I mean, when you two started dating, I was pretty annoyed."

 

"Why?" Jennifer asks.

 

"Just," Ronon shifts on his pillow, "I mean…whatever, going after the girl I like..."

 

"Well," Jennifer smiles, "I think I'm the one who kinda went after Rodney, he's not too good at that."

 

"But you think that's what he's doing now? Going after John?"

 

"I'm pretty sure… And since when was I the girl you liked? You told me you weren't interested."

 

"Yeah, well," Ronon makes a face, "guess I lied."

 

Feeling awkward, Jennifer tries to sound pleasant, "Well,  you have Amelia now, so…"

 

"Yeah, sure." Ronon gives Jennifer a sexy look, "after the girl I liked turned me down."

 

 "Right." Jennifer smiles in embarrassment.

 

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 **WARNING: John and Rodney have been kidnapped!!** The next 2 chapters contain violence and graphic material of the hurt/comfort variety. If you wish to avoid this, skip ahead. You should be able to infer what happens in the storyline easily enough.

 

**I promise the section (Come Back to Me) is deeply emotionally rewarding with lots of comfort and romance as the long-suffering angst of the story finally evolves into true love and happiness.**

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